Undone

Happy Thanksgiving… Happy Birthday to my Oldest Brother. He’s like… thirty-one now. Isn’t that insane? He’s the very oldest, and i’m the very youngest at Eighteen almost ninteen.

I really need to figure out something rebellious to do before time runs out. *blinks* I mean, i only have like a month and a year to do something completely unorthodox that’s against my parent’s wishes.

I’m just no good at the rebellion thing. (looks at the clock) Oooh, eleven Eleven, make a wishage…. 🙂 Anyway, i’m like a five year old. I don’t know how to do anything that is wrong against my parents…. especially and not feel bad about it. I’m the guilt queen. I feel bad, and it shows. I’m so easy to read– except when I’ve got my gadditude on, then it’s all smiles no matter what….

🙂 Like now. 🙂 🙂

Just kidding. I’ve just realized exactly how obsessed with AMV’s i am. (Anime Music Videos for the uneducated) FUN! 🙂 Seriously. I collect some of the best. 🙂 Humor and Romance, i like those the most…. but character profiles are pretty good too. 🙂

I’m just … talking like crazy.

Derringer Meryl [Thinking of Lockign her Diary] Out

Late Night Huzzahs!

Mostly the delusions of my mind being too warm while we drove down to the local college town (Only one hour away, what goodies) I thought about why I play video games, and why I work at a video games store, because honestly– I’m not an OG like i pretend to be. I’m a fairly ‘casual gamer’ that is, until i started working at the store, i wasn’t deep into video games– or anything…. ya know? Then I met this guy, he’s also the reason i’m really into Anime, and he liked video games, and so, then I liked video games….

Now don’t get me wrong, i don’t, in all reality, hate video games (like some girls who change themselves to get guys, I hate girls like that…. i’m such a hypocrite) What is really going on here, is that– I”m willing to try new things because someone else is interested in them. Sure, that person maybe a really hot guy, but HEY, it’s stretching my mind a little, okay? So Yeah. 🙂

and yeah, i’ve figured, i’ve done a lot in my life (short as it’s been) For guys sakes. I’ve moved, and stretched, and changed for guys. (Not that i’ve ever had one change for me ever, but that’s not the point here…) The point is, i’ve become the product of what the opposite sex seemed to be interested in, and instead of becoming the really hot girl who everyone wants to date because she’s SO understanding, and SO cool and laid back about stuff, i’ve become…. One of the guys Isn’t that great?

No, I (After molding myself to what i *Thought* guys wanted) have come to realize that guys want someone who is completely moronic, that they can feel smart when they talk to because they (their significant other) have no clue what they’re talking about. I’ve seen it at my own home, i’ve seen it at work…. i’ve seen it everywhere. Don’t tell me it’s not true, because i know it is. *leers* Stupid, Pretty, and Skinny. That’s the ideal woman…. Oh, and having boobs so big that her back will break, that’s good too.

So Yeah, I’m SLIGHTLY cynical about what guys want from a girl, but that’s because i’ve been trying to be what I THOUGHT guys wanted for so long, that’s it’s me now. Who I am– and now… I’m just sorta screwed.

Oh, and, Guster (awesome band, heard about them from Gert) is coming to town soon. I’d like to go, just because i’d like to do anything other than stay at home, and because i’d like to go with Gert. 🙂

Derringer Meryl [My Moods Don’t swing, Silly!] Out

Why I’m NOT The nicest person ever

(That is to say, a quickie top ten…)

10- I’m moody– and If you come within my bubble of space, i’ll kill you.

9- Because only a small fraction of this world has people who i’d potentially become friendly with, and you’re not one of the chosen.

8- Cause if enough money came along, i’d sell my family to the Circus.

7- Because I’d cut your tongue out for a Klondike Bar. Honest.

6- Because every moment of my life i’m playing “Anywhere but here.”

5- I throw violent tantrums like a three year old. Yes. I Do bite. Often and Hard.

4- I like Bunnies, just because i pray one will bite all of the annoying people’s heads off.

3- I flip people off British housewife style….. all the time

2- I wear black to weddings.

And the number one reason why i’m not the nicest person ever IS…..

1- No matter what i do for you, or when, I expect a DAMN good payment back. And I demand interest, or i’ll pull your hair out. *leers*

— So honestly, i’m not a person to be feared. I’m not the nicest person either. I pitch fits, I have the mouth of a sailor (I’m trying to be better about that…honest) and i have mood swings like a pregnant woman…. So yeah. I’m not Hitler by any means, but i’m no suzy sunshine either…. 🙂

Derringer Meryl [Just a gunslingin’ girl] Out

Mostly, as of today, I’d really just like to get out of here,

Here being home. I would do anything to take back the bridges I’ve burned. Or– well– do anything to get out of here.

As of tomorrow, I look for a serious, grown up, 9-5 Job. And then, a serious car. and then, a serious way to get the hell out of here.

Any way I can. (well short of selling my body)

Derringer Meryl [Let me go] Out

Oops, I Can’t believe I forgot the LYRIC SPEW!

Linkin Park, Faint

I am a little bit of loneliness, a little bit of disregard
Handful of complaints, but I can help the fact, that everybody can see these scars
What I want you to want, what I want you to feel
But it’s like no matter what I do, I can’t convince you, to just believe this is real
So I let go, watching you, turn your back like you always do
Face away and pretend that I’m not
But I’ll be here ’cause you want what I’ve got

I can’t feel the way I did before
Don’t turn your back on me
I won’t be ignored
Time won’t heal this damage anymore
Don’t turn your back on me
I won’t be ignored

I am a little bit insecure, a little unconfident
‘Cause you don’t understand, I do what I can, but sometimes
I don’t make sense I say what you never wanna say, but I’ve never had a doubt
It’s like no matter what I do, I can’t convince you, for
once just to hear me out So I let go, watching you, turn your back like you always do
Face away and pretend that I’m not
But I’ll be here ’cause you want what I’ve got

I can’t feel the way I did before
Don’t turn your back on me
I won’t be ignored
Time won’t heal this damage anymore
Don’t turn your back on me
I won’t be ignored

Now
Hear me out now
You’re gonna listen to me, like it or not
Right now
Hear me out now
You’re gonna listen to me, like it or not
Right now

I can’t feel the way I did before
Don’t turn your back on me
I won’t be ignored

I can’t feel the way I did before
Don’t turn your back on me
I won’t be ignored
Time won’t heal this damage anymore
Don’t turn your back on me
I won’t be ignored

I can’t feel
I won’t be ignored
Time won’t heal
Don’t turn your back on me
I won’t be ignored

Beautiful. Amazing. Special– and I’m sure it’ll be my wedding song… along with “Fishin’ in the Dark.”

Derringer Meryl [The Biggest Lie Ever] Out