Undone

I’ll get to it eventually. Really.

I am on day… Something of my hair and make up challenge. Actually (IMO) doing better on the hair than the make up. It’s easy to forget. Like how I’m currently forgetting to take the Amoxcicillin I’m supposed to take before my root canal next week,

Eep. yeah I’m really nervous about that! Why you might ask? Um, because I’m going to have a gaping hole in my tooth. Yeah. Then, I’m going to get a bunch of fillings and some crap scraped out from under my gum line. a LOT of numbing going on my friend. A LOT. Here’s hoping that my fear of needles dissipating from having kids carries over to my mouth. I’m actually PRETTY freaking terrified.

Oh well. Gotta man up I guess. Little Rei’s Root canal went well. Now she’s got a mouth full o’silver. She looks like a pirate! And, um, She’s four. What the hell happened there? Did I just sleep through the last four years? I must have. Bleh. I deeply want to be at home with her. WIth both of my girls. Just my luck, I’ll get out of working just when they get into School. POO. Never fear, I should at least be able to go part time by then. I hope!

Scott and I won a TV and an Ipod shuffle touch…. doo hicky. Something. We traded it in. While the tiny apple packaging kept saying to me “KEEP ME” it turns out, that paid for a lot of other stuff that is fun that we’re enjoying. 🙂 I am slightly sad to remark that Scott finished up Portal 2 while I was sleeping last week. GRRR. This is what comes of me working different days from him. We have no “Stay up really late and enjoy each other company” nights anymore, and while I am thrilled for his promotion, I will be EVEN MORE thrilled when that can mean something along the lines of more time together.

Have I mentioned that we work with creepy people? I say that because, we work for the same company. Scott says the people on his shift are relatively normal, and my coworkers upstairs are too, but some of the things I get told Stun me! (not by people in my department mind you) Someone asked me today If I was Scott’s wife, and if I was afraid he would have an affair with his new “Free time” with his new job. I flatly told them no, while looking at them like they had brains oozing out their ears. First of all, what women work on the graves shift? Second, HELL TO THE NO! Third, Scott is a hard worker. He’s not really socially outgoing or anything like that. These two combined leads to him working really hard. And DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN guy, Have you seen/know what he’s got? I am WAY better than any other woman working there. SO SHOVE IT. (No offense to the other women, but Scott got married to me for a reason. He kind of loves me and stuff. He thinks I’m awesome.) In anycase, it put a bit of a crimp in my day.

I have hit a bit of a … Stand still? On Lil Rei’s quilt. It’s frustrating to find time to do it. also… I’m tired. They always get into my thread and needles… and be terrible.  I need a walking foot for my machine and I’ll finish itout that way. It can’t be that hard… right?

Going to bed. Don’t you judge me.

Derringer Meryl [Feelin’ Punchy] Out

With my thoughts of a 30 day optimism challenge, my job decided, “Why don’t I make things interesting” and I have never been this busy at a job, EVER. I seriously mean it. I have had back to back calls, yes. Undoubtedly. I’ve experienced that almost my whole call center career (haha, career) but when it’s slow, I’m busier than when I have calls. Following up on forms, closing out cases, calling people back, etc etc. It’s BUSY. I am open to close jam packed busy. (for that matter, i don’t think I even had time for an afternoon break) In any case, Busy busy busy. THEN i had some lady rip me a new one, and after 6 years in the biz, you’d think I’d be fine with that. I’ve had single moms tell me their sob stories about how I was stealing food out of their kid’s mouths, I’ve had old people tell me that I was robbing them. There are stories from my jobs that STILL haunt me, and have made me bitter against our government and the way they treat our Veterans, etc. I should probably let go….

In any case, she ripped me a new one, and for the first time in a long time (since 2007) my job made me cry.Don’t get me wrong. I have cried at work, A LOT. I was pregnant at work, and cried A LOT, so there you go. But crying nonsensically about work issues, haven’t done that in a while. It wasn’t that she got to me, it was that she made me feel like I was bad at my job. And damnit, I’m pretty fabulous for being there only 4 weeks or so. She can eat it, because it turned out to be HER fault not ours.

Anyway, I have been continuously debating whether I should go back to therapy. I say to myself “Was it helping?” and the answer was “Yes” but then i ask “was it creating more problems?” and the answer is also yes. So it leaves me in a dilemma. Should I seek help again somewhere else? Should I just stop all together? Should I just go back to the same therapist. Messy. Annoying. STRESSFUL.

I like to think that I’m a person who has their head on straight, and is thinking clearly, but the truth is, not always. I try to fact check as much as possible. I like to talk to other people to make sure I’m not… fabricating things.

I know I tend to err on the side of the dramatic. I’m not trying to make a fuss, drama is me. It’s how I feel. it’s in my heart, in my head. It makes me broken.

Derringer Meryl {uh oh, it’s getting late} out

that’s right, I’m on edge, for some reason. (and I don’t mean the cellphone network) I just feel antsy all of the sudden?

I have been going to therapy still. I feel like i’ve turned a very positive corner by leaving Verio. They were a great employer for a long time for me, but it came time, and very evident, that it was time for me to part from Verio. I won’t say anything bad about them, mostly because I don’t like to burn my bridges.
I took a week off (as I mentioned before) and my therapist could tell an obvious difference in me, he said I seemed more relaxed, and like I was taking care of myself. It’s true. I was. I am. I’m trying. I’m putting an effort forth. It’s difficult to remember myself. LIke how I should be tucking myself into a cooshy bed right now instead of blogging. Part of my brain says “KISS MY BUTT SENSIBLE SIDE!!” and I’m staying up. Whee.

New job is great. They are so… HAPPY and sensible, and … relaxed. Don’t let me fool you, they are SERIOUS on security, SUPER SERIOUS! But it’s fun, and they joke and we all kid… and it’s great. Tomorrow I start listening to calls. I’m excited and nervous.

And tired.
Derringer Meryl [So much more to say, tired though] Out

I am going for an interview tomorrow. I am trying not to say anything on facebook, because well, I don’t want to cause a stir with my employer who spies on my facebook account. If the man is reading my blog well… 😛 none ya bidness MAN!

Anyway.

I’m pretty excited about it. An interview, is just an interview, but it makes me feel marketable. I hope something positive comes of it.

We went tonight to roast marshmellows and hot dogs. Delicious. Katie loved the river, and slipped in a little bit. but she didn’t get too wet. I also got off work early to go to my doctor’s appointment. It was miserable. I took the two kids, and the doctor was running an hour behind. UGH! You know what is miserable, two kids who are super grumpy and need naps trapped in a small room with a few books and one toy that the older one won’t share. That is what I call hell. Anyway. i told the doctor about my dreams that seem to just be false memories, that I swear up and down that they have happened. he asked if they were hallucinations, and I said no. He seemed nonplussed. I am much more concerned for my sanity. I don’t think all mentally unhealthy people are as easy to detect as a paranoid schizophrenic. But still. I think maybe I’ll go to psychiatrist, for all of my mental health needs. I am finding that i’m having a hard time trusting people. My paranoia is increasing. I feel tense and anxious when it’s unnatural. I told the doctor today that I shouldn’t take wellbutrin, I remember I got taken off of it really fast as a teen, but I couldn’t remember why. He still seemed insistent. There is nothing I dislike more than a doctor who is unwilling to listen to my needs. DO NOT LIKE. Anyway. Off to look for Psychiatrists in the area.
Derringer Meryl [what what!] Out

WHOA. Seriously. Whoa.

In the past three weeks Scott has had THREE jobs. I kid you not. First he had his Job where I work, then his new job, and then his NEW NEW job. the middle job there hired him with good intentions, but found that they had lost clients the same week he had been hired and that put him on the chopping block. It was NOT  a great way to start February, but over all, if any month in the year has to suck, let it be february because it’s so short.

I got to go and be there when Sukie found out that she was having a girl. I am SO excited for them, and SUPER excited to help throw her baby shower. I have never done one. Ever. Unless you count me helping my mom on baby showers before, but I don’t really since I mostly just sat there and agreed with my mom’s plans. I’m only help plan/and host, so I’m glad I don’t have ALL the responsibility, but I’m very excited for the shower. Did I say I want to make a cake and decorate it? I don’t have the clearance or go ahead… but of course I had to check it out… I was thinking, this?

too much?

I’m just kidding, in case you couldn’t tell. 😉 though I would have LOVED to have a cake like that with Audrey. It’s hilarious.

I’ve been thinking about Audrey’s Birthday a lot lately (I know I”m weird and obsessive) and I am hoping to make a marshmellow fondant ballerina cake. TECHNICAL. i am so … worried about it. I need to figure this stuff out. Maybe I should try not to over do it. I really enjoyed Katie’s last birthday because it was so simple. Balloons, clean house, family and close friends. It was great.  But … I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned it before… I love cake decorating. I do. I wish I could do something super impressive, but I find myself not dreaming about it too much mostly because I have stupid hands. (If you don’t get the reference, I highly recommend watching Futurama’s episode “The Devil’s Hands are Idle Playthings” and you might get it.) I love cakes (so much so that I’ve had two pieces this week… for no reason other than I needed it to not feel depressed, Yeah I”m horrible) and I love the pretty decor. I would LOVE to try something.

I should probably get into classes, even if it is just to learn. I don’t need to be a professional… I just want to do something fun.

Derringer Meryl [cakes on the brain] Out