Im Crazy And Unwell

Impending doom. I know what that feels like. i have this sick horrible feeling settled into my stomach telling me that everything I touch or I’m involved in breaks. I’m a ruiner. I ruin things for others.

I’m petrified of getting married. it’s not that I don’t love Scott, because I do. He’s wonderful, and about fifteen million other similar adjectives…. but I’m still scared. I’m scared of becoming like other married couples who aren’t happy. I’m scared of becoming like my parents.

I’m scared that Scott will be like my dad. (at this moment I’m shaking rather violently, excuse any spelling mistakes) My dad never was very much involved in my life (until now) and …. that sorta makes me angry. He always said it was my mom’s job to be involved with my school stuff. He never went to one parent teacher confrence, and like two of my choral recitals…. he went to a play I did once– mom was always so much more vigilant. Dad seemed out of the loop.

I guess something Scott said yesterday just scared me. He said that i’d be in charge of nurturing the kids.

I don’tknow. That just sorta brought my dad to mind. Maybe I’m out of line–but… All i know is that this horrible feeling in my stomach just won’t go away.

Derringer Meryl [Didn’t want to say that] Out

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Greatest day ever

I was reading Ryoko’s new blog (I’m calling her that. She’s Antigone’s sister, Youngest sister) and she was commenting on kissing.

I highly recommend waiting. Very much. I learned that it sorta kills you a little inside to break up with someone you’ve kissed. i mean, I never did it, but I emotionally was torn up with not doing it, so i can’t imagine doing it and then breaking up.

It’d be very odd. Heart breaking.

Not that Scott was the first guy i kissed… well. Okay. He was the first guy *I* kissed, but not the first guy to kiss me. *thinks* that makes sense to me. Another guy sorta stole my first kiss from me. … and i’ve commented on that before, so i’ll just go back to the point. I love the fact that I waited. I think of kissing as a very intimate thing. I’m just that way, hand holding too. I’m just– I subscribe deeply to the “my body is a temple” way of thinking.

and the fact that I usually recoil from human touch, sorta goes with that too. *smiles*

I got my ring last night. It about Killed Scott as I was chatting away with the ring in hand, but I didn’t know it. It was on the stem of a rose *sigh* and Carebear and her sister were there for it, I was all gross in my after work clothes, and my hair hadn’t been done in days– but i felt like a princess.

Anyway– I’ll write more on it later. I should really be a better hostess than I am being. Laters

Derringer Meryl [I have a pretty ring] Out

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Thats What Makes The World Go Round

I thought I’d comment on this by Wudan:

I’d have to say that our concept of a partner is often tied up with our concept of self – we change, they change, we, “grow apart”, as is the beck-and-call of so many divorce attorneys.

Ya know, even before I was engaged, I spent a lot of time thinking about marriage. I know i’d be uber freaking out right now If i hadn’t previously thought about what I wanted and how I wanted to get married.

I’m not so worried about the wedding details as I am the marriage there after.

I haven’t been surrounded by the best examples of marriage. Divorce runs rampant in society, with one of two couples getting divorced. I remember (not that it was so long ago) that I admired my Seminary teacher’s marriage. I had never met his wife, but he kept pictures of them together all over the classroom, not just the office. It impressed me. We were talking about Temple marriage one day in class, and he said to me, “Don’t get married thinking that Divorce is an option. It’s not. If you think it is, you’ll surely be divorced.” He told us about what would happen if he had a bad day at work or something like that. He’d come home, his wife would say “How was your day at work?” he’d respond that he didnt’ want to talk about it. She’d just smile and say, okay. She didn’t press him, or bother him, but simply let it go. He expressed that at some time he’d tell her about it, what went wrong, but he made sure to leave his work troubles at work.

He also told us (me, because I asked in specific) that there are hard times. He did fight with his wife occasionally. It happens. To expect it. To understand it.

I’m terrified of that. Terrified that it’ll be like the fights i’ve heard before. I can’t even express how much the idea of arguing with Scott freaks me out.

and on a completely unrelated note:

And i find myself feeling odd. I have so many words traveling through my head, so many things I could say to Scott, just comments, or things i notice– nothing bad…. just How i feel at a moment, or how much i love him. I find it all trapped inside of my brain because of my slow tongue. I’m not witty and a fast talker (dont’ ask me how i got to be in debate) I don’t have an extensive vocabulary. I’m fairly sure that most of the words I wish i could say don’t even exist. i just sit there speechless, wondering if he can even understand how completely lucky i find myself.

Not everyone gets to find someone as wonderfully perfect for themselves as Scott is for me. *sighs* Okay, I”m gushing all over now, i had better go and take care of the washer.

Derringer Meryl [Ups And Downs] Out

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Oh Brother

I was discussing with Sukie how i have bad memory, which is one of the reasons I write in here, and how I forget when i’m angry at people. To be more specific, I remember i’m angry, I just usually dont’ remember why.

Then she said “Don’t you remember what [My oldest brother] did to you three years ago?”

I responded that he probably pissed me off.

Three years ago was the beginning of who I am now. *gleams* The girl gamer who loves anime, and listens to punk rock music. Oh yeah. *thinks* I wasn’t really big into gaming as a kid. I remember Excitebike (the only game i could win) and Final Fantasy (I never played as a kid, only watched) and vaguely metroid and the like. I never really played much. I watched occasionally. I really liked Legend of Zelda, I just wasn’t any good at most of them. I have (had?) bad hand eye coordination…. I love games though. I guess that’s where my oldest brother comes in. I had received a Xena fighting game and my own paddle for the N64. Now. I have four sibs, and including me that makes five people. We could rotate in and out of playing, or i could be bullied into not playing at all. I’m sure that my oldest brother meant it as some sort of gest, but he said I couldn’t play because I was a girl. Now considering at this point he had two kids and had been married Three or so years. this isn’t some punk kid who’s fourteen telling me that I can’t play, it’s my oldest brother.

*sighs* I suppose i have always been really serious about people saying “You can’t because you’re a girl” I hate that. I heard it all through growing up… “You can’t play with our toys, you’re a girl.” or “You can’t come hang out with us, you’re a girl.” Eventually it turned from just being a girl to being “Little Sister” which got annoying more so. I didn’t want to be thought of that way. I never thought my gender would exclude me from anything. It shouldn’t have. (this is what classifies me to my friends as a femminazi. I don’t think radically, just rationally) Well, I couldn’t play because I was a girl. I pitched a fit, I cried, and then I decided to kill two birds with one stone. My oldest brother always took the opportunity to call me lazy and spoiled too. He always said that i never did any work around the house. I took up mowing the lawn because of that. I got a job at, shock, a video game store. I knew enough. I wasn’t crazy whacko to know everything, in fact I found that no one wanted to listen to me anyway… sadly because I was a girl. But I got more involved. I knew what was coming out, i knew what was good, what sucked, and I knew it well. I listened a lot. I listened to Dax’s opinion, which is (was) right on the dot about games.

So I guess I was a bit of a poser. It’s not that I don’t love video games, I’m just no good at them. (With the exception of Final Fantasy and similar RPGS) I get too excited to play properly and win. But I’ve lost so much, I don’t even care anymore. When I play Halo (dastardly Xbox.) I try to be killed as much as possible. That’s my way of winning. Sure, it wouldn’t be very exciting if everyone played that way, understandably so, but I have so much fun. I cheer on the people who murder me.

No use in getting all upset over losing. Everyone does from time to time. 😉 I just get my fair share.

So maybe I could hate my oldest brother for being a male chauvinist pig, and for treating me like i’m five forever. I could be upset that he doesn’t really see me as a person but as a child (who I suppose is a tiny person, but still) and I dont’ do anything but whine and complain and cry– Next time I see him, I won’t act like that. I don’t really think I did this time.

I just ignored him. Stayed out of his way– and did my own thing.

Derringer Meryl [Who Makes You] Out

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Heres A Box Of Death

Alright you lucky bridesmaids (and Maid of Honor) to be, this is the thing. … I’m an impatient person. It’s pretty insane trying to get Four schedules to fit into a place where we can all go and look at pretty fabrics. So I was out shopping today and found a pretty fabric…. and so– I bought ten yards of it. (that’s thirty feet, and 360 inches, just to break it down for you.) It’s a lot of fabric, pretty heavy, rivaling the weight of an xbox.

Basically, this is the fabric for the skirt. Now…. Before you moan and wail, please consider that I have a bolt (yes an entire bolt) of ugly teal fabric in the back room, no less than ten feet from where I am right now. This is not pretty teal. This is teal that nightmares are made of. I threaten you with that into liking this fabric. The tops will be made red. I hope you like red. You will be wearing red for two nights (One reception the night of, and an open house a week or so later.) I don’t want to go all bridezilla and force you guys into liking it. It has an oriental flare…. Ish– and I’m really not trying to punish you guys– simply allow you to experience my style for a night or two… hee hee.

Now that’s out of the way…. I’d still like to have Scott’s sister’s come and hang out on Friday– maybe we’ll work on the skirts, maybe we’ll leer at Orlando Bloom in Elf attire… Maybe we’ll just sit around and giggle like freaks. I don’t really care. The bridesmaid dresses are really just a ploy so I can get to know you better. :)

I remember when my oldest brother got married. I had never had a sister before, and I was really excited. She didn’t take a particular shine to me (we don’t have a lot in common. She doesn’t hate me, we just … don’t really talk much) she was much too busy mooning over my brother. Ick. that annoys me. Now– I admit, i’m moony over Scott, but I don’t think it has to get in the way of how cool I think I am. 😀 (If that made sense to you, i’m happy.) *nods* So, basically, I want to be the great sister-in-law that I have (because the sister in laws I do have *ARE* great!) But i’m going to be alittle different, I can hang out with people Sans Scott. I have confidence in this. Especially since Saturday– where I hung out with Scott’s friends for an hour and a half (I’m guessing here…) and wasn’t feeling awkward the entire time. Some people feel like “I’m only so-in-so’s fiance, no one cares what i think” but I don’t get that vibe from Scott’s friends. I think they’re very eager to meet someone new, genuinely nice and warm friendly people. *nods* I haven’t felt this welcome since I was … like … um… Five I think. Maybe nine or so. *nods* It’s been a while in anycase.

I was driving home from the store, I just remembered this so i thought i’d add it, and I was thinking about how boys can buy girls flowers and presents and things randomly– and it’s cute. I feel like girls couldnt’ do that so much. I mean, sure I’ve done it before– I’ve bought things for a guy i’ve been dating– even made things– but… it always felt awkward and weird. I don’t know. I think it’s stupid. Honestly, what would you buy a guy to say “Hey, i was just thinking of you, and I really love you.” I mean, flowers… I don’t know a lot of guys who know their way around flowers enough to be touched (remembers she needs to call the florist) and well, the option of sending something like candies with Scott is just right out. (Hello, I love you, how about a box of death?) I don’t know. It’s odd. I usually settle for randomly IMing him at work *cough cough* just to say I love him. (No, you may not gag on the sap factor here.) I just don’t think it’s fair– *pouts* and he has bigger hands so I can never win the tickle war.

Derringer Meryl [Derranged Today] Out

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