No clever title here. Sorry. I had a great vacation though. Pics (or at least a link) should be soon to follow. If anyone even still reads this!


anyway, we left early Saturday morning with our friends and I was driving. I don’t drive stick well. It’s probably some sort of crime that I wasn’t taught, but I was ok with that. I could have went my whole life not knowing IMO, but I do know mostly how to drive one now. That being said, I stalled like 4 times on my way to the freeway. Yeah. Then we drove and drove


I drove all the way to the last city before we went into AZ (St. George) I’m kinda proud of that. And Scott was so agitated by my driving that he decided to drive. but we stopped for lunch, and the kids played and I tried a shamrock shake (unimpressed) and chatted. I was accused of not using Birth control (but Drew meant Cruise control, and we all laughed A TON) Then we piled back in and drove and drove. I navigated, and did a great job staying awake (IMO) helping the girls find things to do. We packed surprises they got each time we stopped. We parted ways from our friends for a while, and we drove down to Carlsbad. We were SO EXCITED to stop and get out of the car. The girls were excited to meet Scott’s Aunt and talk to her about the ride, and their friends. We sat down and ate a dinner (chinese, yum!) and decided that the next day we would probably NOT go to sea world after all, which wasn’t a loss since no tickets were purchased yet. We sat down and started watching Princess Bride, and I gave up the ghost quickly as far as staying awake. We all went to bed.

The next morning I woke up with the girls, and we got ready so we could go to the beach. Since Scott had drove the previous day and didn’t sleep much at all, I let him sleep in while the girls and I went to  see the ocean. The tide was kinda high, So I didn’t want the girls running into it much. They were excited though. We did some sandcastles (in the sand) and then played on a playground that was nearby. They had a ton of fun, and Katie adopted herself into another family. People were really friendly and sweet. I guess sometimes It’s nice to go somewhere else– somewhere different to realize that people outside of your neighborhood, and circle of friends are decent and sweet too. The playground made me wish I was having another baby (but don’t worry, disneyland took care of that!)

We went back midway through the day to the house and Scott had just woken up. So we went to lunch at Bull Taco. They have HUGE  quesadillas, and Scott was in love with their  lobster taco and ghost chili sauce (it wasn’t THAT hot, I even had some!) Then we had some yummy doughnuts. Katie had a Hello Kitty cupcake to match her hello Kitty outfit. Then we went to the Aquarium and had a great time. Have you ever seen a starfish flip over? I have. and it’s freaky neat. Lots of fish, I have to say I liked the Jelly fish, and Katie’s freak out at an eel the best She seriously crawled up the walls to get away from the eel. haha. IT was neat to see that they were simulating the tide within all the tanks… and the garden eel, SO FUNNY. It was a great time. Scott and I, in all of our grownup glory, played on a sea saw, and let the girls run wild. Then we went to see the Secret Life of Arrietty, and had a yummy pizza dinner. Audrey fell asleep, Katie ate a little, mostly everyone slept.

We took off fairly early the next morning, to allow Ann to go about her day as usual, we were all really sad to go, and honestly, I think if we could hang out with Ann every weekend, we’d all be happy campers! We headed to anaheim for a day of shopping. We looked around in shops and found SO many neat things.  We had lunch at Ralph Brennan’s Jazz Cafe, with beignets, gumbo and so much deliciousness. We picked up a necklace for Kate (Pink with Sparkles) some mis matched Socks for the girls  at miss mismatched. and then finally it was time to meet up with our friends again, we all checked in at the hotel and I unpacked the girls bags, and we all just relaxed for the evening. It was nice to have a day off. Isn’t that what vacationing is for? The girls and I went swimming, then they took a bath to wash off the salt water. Katie loved it (she can touch the ground on the shallow end) but audrey wasn’t as big of a fan. She doesn’t have enough body fat to stay warm.

We woke up the next day and I (of course) cannot turn off my internal clock that had me up at 6 am local time. So I got a shower, and the girls played with their friends since we had a suite, they were overjoyed. They picked out their outfits. We went into the park and tried to get on Big Thunder Mountain first, but the line was SO long, we ended up going on pirates first. Katie sat by Ivy (her bestest friend) and they had a BLAST, but also were terrified. haha) from there we went to Big Thunder moutain and got right in. (Fast pass) Kate went with Ivy and her dad, and didn’t seem to mind it until she went with me. then it wasn’t as much fun. Which was ok. We were also doing pin trading, which is SO much fun. Our goal was to trade all the pins we didn’t want  that we had bought online. I got a LOT that I ended up loving.  We went to Haunted mansion. A lot of rides kept getting closed. after that we hit up winnie the pooh, and met tigger, and pooh. The girls were estatic. Katie was hillarious. We were standing in line and she waved to Tigger and then started to cry when he didn’t wave back saying he broke her heart. It was adorable. Then we met up with family and then went to Space mountain, which got shut down while we were on it. SAD. We waited, then bailed, and it  got fixed.  so we got back in line. People were generous enough to let us back to our spot. I took Katie on it… She was not a fan. AT ALL. At which point I met back up with the group to allow them to go on the ride. We kind of got split up for a bit. Scott took Audrey on Astro blasters. She is a sweetie, and loved it (what’s not to love??) we were pretty tired, so what better to test our levels of exhaustion than “it’s a small world” Scott (as usual) stayed back. There was a duck though, in the water, that was playing chicken with the boats for the ride. itw as hillarious. After we got off that always too long ride, we stopped to meet some fairies (Tink and Iridessa) which the girls were super excited about. But Audrey  is MUCH more shy than Katie. Not shocking. We walked right out of there into The Mad Hatter and Alice. That Alice spoke with a lisp. It was odd. Katie was thrilled to meet Disneyland Alice, since she knows that her Cousin shares her name 😉 Because we hadnt’ already jammed enough in, we got into Star Tours (in Shifts) The girls got to go twice (Kate and Ivy) and I chilled with Drew and the babies outside. Which was nice, to sit and relax. Audrey passed out, so that was awesome. I got my turn on the ride, it was meh, but fun.


Is that seriously only 3 days? I’ll have to do the rest tomorrow!


I need to update my blog

I’ll get to it eventually. Really.

I am on day… Something of my hair and make up challenge. Actually (IMO) doing better on the hair than the make up. It’s easy to forget. Like how I’m currently forgetting to take the Amoxcicillin I’m supposed to take before my root canal next week,

Eep. yeah I’m really nervous about that! Why you might ask? Um, because I’m going to have a gaping hole in my tooth. Yeah. Then, I’m going to get a bunch of fillings and some crap scraped out from under my gum line. a LOT of numbing going on my friend. A LOT. Here’s hoping that my fear of needles dissipating from having kids carries over to my mouth. I’m actually PRETTY freaking terrified.

Oh well. Gotta man up I guess. Little Rei’s Root canal went well. Now she’s got a mouth full o’silver. She looks like a pirate! And, um, She’s four. What the hell happened there? Did I just sleep through the last four years? I must have. Bleh. I deeply want to be at home with her. WIth both of my girls. Just my luck, I’ll get out of working just when they get into School. POO. Never fear, I should at least be able to go part time by then. I hope!

Scott and I won a TV and an Ipod shuffle touch…. doo hicky. Something. We traded it in. While the tiny apple packaging kept saying to me “KEEP ME” it turns out, that paid for a lot of other stuff that is fun that we’re enjoying. 🙂 I am slightly sad to remark that Scott finished up Portal 2 while I was sleeping last week. GRRR. This is what comes of me working different days from him. We have no “Stay up really late and enjoy each other company” nights anymore, and while I am thrilled for his promotion, I will be EVEN MORE thrilled when that can mean something along the lines of more time together.

Have I mentioned that we work with creepy people? I say that because, we work for the same company. Scott says the people on his shift are relatively normal, and my coworkers upstairs are too, but some of the things I get told Stun me! (not by people in my department mind you) Someone asked me today If I was Scott’s wife, and if I was afraid he would have an affair with his new “Free time” with his new job. I flatly told them no, while looking at them like they had brains oozing out their ears. First of all, what women work on the graves shift? Second, HELL TO THE NO! Third, Scott is a hard worker. He’s not really socially outgoing or anything like that. These two combined leads to him working really hard. And DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN guy, Have you seen/know what he’s got? I am WAY better than any other woman working there. SO SHOVE IT. (No offense to the other women, but Scott got married to me for a reason. He kind of loves me and stuff. He thinks I’m awesome.) In anycase, it put a bit of a crimp in my day.

I have hit a bit of a … Stand still? On Lil Rei’s quilt. It’s frustrating to find time to do it. also… I’m tired. They always get into my thread and needles… and be terrible.  I need a walking foot for my machine and I’ll finish itout that way. It can’t be that hard… right?

Going to bed. Don’t you judge me.

Derringer Meryl [Feelin’ Punchy] Out


Give a little what what!

AKA: the one where I discuss why I work Customer Service.

Most people don’t say “OH I LOVE to work Customer Service!” Because we can all admit, people can be big fat jerky jerks sometimes, which sucks. No one wants to deal with someone who is angry. I don’t like angry people, and while there are people who do, they are probably some sort of masochist and have jobs doing something else that is kind of kinky.


anyway. I work it because I need to. Not like it fulfills me in a way that nothing else can (which again, kinky sounding?) It just is something I need to do, because, well we all do what we need to survive.

I just wonder sometimes if those people who call someone in a call center realize that talking on the phone isn’t these people’s passion. It’s a job. They do the best they can, and then they go home. No one in a call center (save supervisors maybe) go home thinking “how can I make my job better?” Nope. You go home and you try not to think about the fact you’re going back tomorrow. Typically anyway.

If you’re lucky like me, you work in a marvelous wonderland of free diet coke (you should be hearing angels singing at this point) and nice coworkers, a super CEO/CFO who just make you want to come to work. It’s still hard. VERY HARD for me to not just stay at home (though I know it’d be bad for us) but, it’s nice that if I HAVE to work, to work some place where people are funny and joke, like I do, and they understand you’re a human, and that you have needs. and the phones are so nice (that is the people on the phones, that you talk to) that you don’t mind that your break is only 10 minutes. You know that the office functions like a well oiled machine, and everyone is happy and willing to help…

it’s amazing.

I feel bad for my former Verio Co-workers. They lost some of their pay, and their differential is completely gone. How sad. 🙁 No commentary on the company’s choice, i don’t want to get in any sort of trouble for that. It’s just unfortunate for my friends.
In any case…

I am happy. Which feels odd. After being 7 different shades of miserable for over two years, it feels good, and scary to be happy. Which I realize is stupid. (HAHA) but I have been trying to eliminate a lot of my negative self talk, and remove my ideals. Not like Ideals like being a good person and what good people do. But I seem to think that my house needs to be spotless and that my kids should always be clean and dinner should be cooked and kids should be happy, etc etc…

I can’t force things to be perfect. I feel like I’ve been trying to shove a square peg into a round hole for 2 years. I’ve been trying to balance things out. Trying to make things like they were before. Before we had kids, and it’s been frustrating me that I can’t make it that way. But that’s just how it is. I can’t be the mother my mom was, because quite frankly, I’m not my mother. I can’t be the perfect wife, but I can be a pretty damn good one 😉

Like Mal says:

Mercy is the mark of a great man.
(stabs Atherton)
Guess I’m just a good man.
(stabs Atherton again)
Well, I’m alright.

I guess I’m just a good wife, good mom, and good person. That’s ok, and sometimes I’m great, sometimes I feel PERFECT (or as perfect as I can be) and I am happy, that’s great. But– I can’t be like that all the time. It’s not possible. Not even if I stayed at home. Not even if I cloned myself. I’m not lazy, I’m not stupid, I’m not anything but Imperfect. And Scott Loves me that way.

I need to love me and my imperfections too.

Derringer Meryl [BREAKTHROUGH] Out

Written by admin in: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Did I mention?

That I started depression medication? Maybe I did. LOL One of the side effects of the med is that you can’t remember fact from fiction. It’s quite annoying. there are things in the past few months that I can’t remember if I really did them or not, or if I just through I did it. It’s … FRUSTRATING. I dont’ like the medicine too much, I don’t really feel like it’s helping. I just need to find the time to go to my doctor and get adjusted, or just get a new medicine. Since I feel pretty much the same as I did before if not worse.

depression is the damndest thing. Nothing interests me much anymore. I look back over my hobbies and think “ugh. I don’t wanna” and I also think “I only was doing that for someone else”

I’ve come to realize that I’m the kind of person that lives her life for other people. Quite frankly I would have been done with this Popsicle stand a long time ago if not for 1) the fact that killing yourself is wrong and 2) people don’t want me to. I do still have times where I forget (sorry for being morbid here people) that people don’t want me to. That people would be sad. That’s the dementia that comes along with depression. You can’t understand or see anything clearly. It’s like looking at the world from really strong prescription glasses(when you have no need for the prescription) Nothing seems to make sense. I am sorry if I’m a bring me down here. I like to speak frankly and honestly about my depression. It weighs on me, and i prefer not to be silent. I have had a hard time this time. Most people probably don’t know that this bout has been nearly 2 years for me. It’s been bad. it has been hard for me to be away from my kids, and when I am with them, I can only think “oh I’ll have to leave again tomorrow” (for work) and sometimes I think they’d be better off without me. I know it’s not true, but… Once again, delusional.

I miss going to the theatre. I am watching the Scarlet Pimpernel on the TV currently and I am looking forward to 110 in the shade and The Scarlet Pimpernel coming to Hale Center Theatre down here. I have never seen 110 in the shade before, but I want to, very much. I have only seen the TV movie of The Scarlet Pimpernel, not the musical, but I look forward to it. 😉 Sink me!

Sir Ian McKellen, you were a handsome Youngman!! 😉

Katie scratched her eye today with my old sunglasses. I feel bad. I was looking at fabric and she was rifling through my purse, and she has been crying ever since. She did get a new pony and some candy out of it. But she’s been a very good girl today, considering that I was not up to being a very active mommy.

Did I mention that Audrey said her first word? YES!  the first weekend of April, she said Mama. I have witnesses. Ok, one witness, but it was my dad, so there you go. The next weekend she said “Dada” so I am quite pleased. No random object realization for her, it’s Mom and dad! 🙂 She is full on Scooting now. which is adorable. And a little annoying, We’d prefer her to crawl, but I doubt if it should happen at this point.

Derringer Meryl [Sweet Thang] Out

Written by admin in: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , ,

It’s my blog

And I’ll blog about God if I want to.

I tend to hesitate on this point, simply because I don’t like to stir controversy. But I have been in a dark place, and I feel like, my silence has been resonating in me. I didn’t feel like doing anything. AT ALL. Seriously. I kept thinking why wouldn’t this hole inside of me fill up. I kept putting things there, Finding a new way to put things there, like pounding a circle peg into a triangular hole. I just needed something. Thusly, I have gained back all of my weight lost (sad) from trying to shove food into an abyss in my soul that, frankly, food cannot fill. (Even if it is/was really yummy) I kept thinking (yes, here I go) that people always say they turn to God to help them with their burdens, help them ease their pain. and I felt angry. And stupid. Like “What am I doing wrong? I’ve been asking!! Why won’t he help me?”

And quite frankly, I don’t have an answer for that. Maybe I wasn’t humble enough. Maybe i needed to fall to a certain point so that i wouldn’t just keep doing what i was doing while he was helping me. i’m pretty damn sure God doesn’t endorse the whole “have your cake and eat it too” BS that a lot of people seem to think they can have.

anyway. if this is cryptic to you, don’t mind it. i have been depressed. it makes me increasingly cryptic.

so. finally tonight, after getting some really good advice (and sometimes it seems like the best advice you’ve heard like 30 times, but this time you’re actually listening) i sat down with Scott, and … really prayed. I hadn’t done that in a while. it’s bad, i know. But if this is news to you that i’m not perfect… well you probably should pay more attention to where you’re at. i’m not perfect, and guess what? THE EARTH IS ROUND!! HOLY CRAP!

Anyway. onward and upward. i am very happy right now. it’s not a crazy giddy happy. it’s a peaceful beautiful happy. it’s knowing that my family loves me. it’s knowing that my newest niece is at home resting in her crib, or at the very least at home with her family, where she belongs. it’s knowing that when i am down, there are people there who want to lift me up if i will let them. it’s knowing that when i come home there will be squeals and giggles and probably be stupid chores too– but it’ll be in my house, with my kids and my husband. i hope i never forget how lucky i am to have such a blessed life. i have a good steady job, with benefits. i have a great boss, who understands me, and listens to me. i have friends at work, who care about my well-being. i have SO much.

mostly… i have scott. who (like myself) isn’t perfect, but he is smart, and he is sweet in his own way (sometimes subtle). He works hard to take care of me, and our girls. he loves me the way i am. he forgives me my shortcomings (and insanity) and always remembers important dates. 🙂

i love my life

Derringer Meryl [you would too if it happened to you] out

Written by admin in: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , ,

Powered by WordPress | Aeros Theme | WordPress Themes