Undone

I hear this a lot.  Don’t you WANT to stay at home with your kids?

I will be upfront: yes. That’s the short answer.

The VERY long answer is this:

I have two kids and a house to pay for, in addition to the convenience of having money… I think we’re a bit addicted to it. I love the company I work for. I do. The people I work with are amazing, and great people. I have a good boss, and a company that cares about me as a person and wants to continue my development. Twenty-two year old Meryl would have been SO enthused. This was all I wanted. I wanted to be a trainer, and to work and be vital to the workings of a company.

it’s just one of those “be careful what you wish for” i guess. I feel stressed. Like a million knots have been tied in my stomach. It hurts! I’m getting older (everyone does, and it’s not so cool now as it was when I was 11) and each year I find I’m getting less sleep. I wish i was getting more, but it’s always less, and the wild swinging schedules are killing me. But I will keep doing them, because I”m a woman of my word. I said I would, and honestly, I don’t think I could go back (or maybe I would?)

When my former Boss asks me “How are you liking working for your new boss?” and wants my honest opinion, I give it to him. I feel like a house divided, and quite frankly I’m not standing up to that very well. I am tired, A LOT. I’m trying to adapt, and it takes a lot of work. It’s just the adjustment period. I’m just … I’m trying. All the while it keeps ringing back….

Don’t you want to stay at home?

Yes. I do. and it always turns out to be a “someday” or a “soon” and even “I should be able to {insert future date}” I wouldn’t mind working at some menial job (grocery and retail, whatever) part time. I need something lower stress. I need something healthier. It’s almost 6 years past when I wanted to stop working.

I keep going. I am beginning to think it’ll never stop.

Derringer Meryl [I’m a sad face] Out