Happiness was designed to make you hurt more.

There are not enough expletives in the world to express the way I feel right now.

Really Super, horridly, Bad.


This is why I hate showing emotion, cause if you do it wrong, someone could interpret it wrong, and then you have one big bad mess of emotions, and you have to deal with it, because the nagging voices in your head won’t go away until you do.

They stay until you make the pain stop, either until you’re so sugar high you can’t remember who the heck Horatio Alger is, or by running a dull swiss army knife across your wrists until the numbness of the action takes all the pain away.

I’m praying for one or the other. All I want right now is for a pint of B&J (The ever faithful guys) and to watch the rest of Bourne Identity. Ya know what, that isn’t much. Really. I don’t want to think about Our Town, or homework or anything. I just want to hide from it all for awhile. Too dang bad for me.

Right now was a really bad time to cut back on the swearing. I guess that’s the breaks, right?

Not to mention if I look at any more scholarships I’m unqualified for, I’ll die. I’m so very tired. I don’t want to do this any more. I know it’s supposed to be a test and all, but it’s like walking through a wind storm, ALWAYS against the wind. Constantly. And there’s nothing to hold onto, nothing to brace myself up against.

I need my Red.

(My momentary nickname for my friend. I don’t know if she’d appreciate the exposure of her name.)

I just want to escape the storm for a little while. i guess that was saturday, right? and now I just get shoved back in, because I didn’t do it right. I screwed it all up. Because I act all smug and stuff, but when It comes down to the wire, I don’t know anything.

And everything…. Everyone has made this painfully obvious.

I guess I get what I deserve

Derringer Meryl [I feel so. . .] Out

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When you wake the morning covers you with light

Let me run off at the mouth for a while…. I just need to — ya know?

Sometimes I want things so bad, that it makes me hurt, that I can feel the hurt inside of me– and that I cry…

I never cry. I didn’t cry and my Grandpa’s funeral, I don’t cry in sappy movies, I don’t cry when I think about all I have in life.

Doesn’t mean I don’t care, and it doesn’t mean i’m not grateful.

It means Id on’t cry.

So to say thinking about what I want… no, that’s not right. THinking about who I want, makes me cry– it’s not a simple thing, it’s … it makes me hurt down inside… it’s really serious. Super.

All my life i’ve been taught to marry a mormon, have mormon babies and cook mormon food (a variation on what the Greeks were taught in My Big Fat Greek Wedding) What happens when what I want in life isn’t that?

What if the man of my dreams is Catholic?

I’m still at war with myself on this one. I just need to hit on (as in beat on) one of my coworkers, and i’ll feel better.

I just need someone sometimes. And i’m not exactly the picture of Animal magnetism.

And Heaven forbid some man become interested in me–

I would have no such clue as to what to do. I don’t date. I don’t socialize. I’m a friggin’ Hermit for the love of God. I am so lost now. I don’t miss the social life.

I didn’t know there were different types of stalkers (the guys at work are convinced that I’m stalking a friend of theirs. He’s my friend too, or at least I think so. Maybe that’s what makes me a stalker.)

The fact that I have social anxieties– makes me a stalker? I can’t believe it. Oi, so now that i have an ailment that makes me some sort of psycho who calls at two am to ask what color of underware you’re wearing? NOT EVEN!

I didn’t dig through trash

I didn’t steal his number

I don’t follow him home every night–

and I don’t know where he lives inside of his house

CRAP, the only time i’ve been in his house was when I was invited there anyway!

Anyway. I don’t know what I need to do–but i have to get rid of this need for him. the feeling in my stomach that he means something, that he’s important somehow.

I’m insane.

Derringer Meryl [She stays just out of sight] Out

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Stamp me. Reject

Ever just want to tatoo a huge note on your head that said “Reject” ?

I do.

Well not really, honestly I feel like there’s one there now. Like everyone is ignoring me…. like they’re hiding something. Maybe I’m just paranoid.

Ah, I take it back, I know I am. I know I”m paranoid.


I just wish things made more sense. I don’t understand why God gave me a brain, when no one listens to what you’re saying unless you’re really pretty.

Then they listen. That’s what’s pathetic.

Sure, they nod, so you think you’re doing well, but when you see the ballots in front of you, you know the truth…. You know you aren’t pretty enough to be enticing…… and that doesn’t even make sense.

The words I speak, are never justice for the words I think. I know so much, but I can’t … articulate them. Now i don’t mean I speak sloppy, I mean i don’t know the right words to emphasize what i’m saying…… so I sound stupid.

I just want to have them leave me be. I never really understand why withdrawing from society will make me feel better, but at least I don’t have people who are trying to comfort me all the time.

At least I’d be where I think I belong.

she’d do anything to sparkle in his eye she would suffer, she would fight, and compromise she’s been wishin’ on the stars that shine so bright for answers to the questions that will haunt her tonight

she must rinse this all away she can’t hold him this way she must rinse this all away she can’t love him this way

how she’d be soothed, how she’d be saved if he could see she needs to be held in his arms to be free but everything happens for reasons that she will never understand ’til she knows the heart of a woman will never be found in the arms of a man


and if she runs away she fears she won’t be followed what could be the worse than leaving something behind and as the depth of oceans slowly become shallow it’s loneliness she finds… if only he was mine

she’d do anything to spakle in his eye she would suffer, she would fight, and compromise she’s been wishin’ on the stars that shine so bright for answers to the questions that will haunt her tonight

she must rinse him she must rinse him she can’t rinse him she can’t rinse him she can’t, she won’t, she must rinse him she can’t, she won’t, she must rinse him she must rinse this all away she can’t hold him this way she must rinse this all away she can’t love him this way

Rinse it all away


Words hurt me, don’t you know

Those words you speak

They cut so deep

Falling from your ruby lips

Like feathers


so inexplicably soft–

You speak to me

Your tone is light

But your words hurt me

Slicing me to the bone

letting me bleed out

my last memory

is of you.

A bit of Slam poetry for the moment. p0r /|_| r0||||y. . . .

Derringer Meryl [Bleed me] out

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Someday– She’ll tell you.

Can I say I’m frustrated to the ultimate?

All the cute guys surround me, and I can’t go after even one of them. Not one. *sighs* They’re all co-workers, or close friends, or going on a mission soon, and don’t want to date right now…. *sighs*

Not like I”m exactly the catch of the day. *frowns* Mom is constantly telling me I need to loose weight. It’s sad, I’m glad it’s the end of the week, I think i’ll work out all weekend and …. well …. get all buff so I can kick my ex’s butt.

For various reasons which I would rather not discuss…. *growls*

I wish my buddy were online so I could talk to him. He’s going to teach me how to flirt, and It’s hard enough flirting, but flirting well is even tougher.


Oh Sod it all.

Derringer Meryl [I’m a bad man] Out

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