Undone

There are days, where you feel your lowest. To strictly contrast that, you have days where you feel your highest…. Most people don’t have those in the same day.

I do.

You can call it what you want. Bi Polar, Depression, Chemical Imbalance…. whatever you want…. i call it life. I don’t think it’s right to just muddle through, but I’ve been down the paths that the world seems to scream as useful and at one point in my life, i swore by them– but now, things have changed. *frowns* I’m not sad and depressed because of a chemical problem– i’m sad and depressed because of who I am.

I can’t get a good guy. Now before I piss off those of you whom i’ve dated before, let me continue. I can’t get a good guy TO STAY. and it keeps repeating in my mind, i’m not good enough… and that all of my relationship problems come from me. ME. I do it. I break things, and i make them bad. I do it. ME ME ME! Don’t try and tell me that’s not true. I don’t want words. I dont’ need your words. I miss a simpler time when i didn’t feel.

and I miss it. I miss being dead inside. I miss not living. I miss not caring about people…. and I miss not loving. I wish i could wish it away.

I wish I could not hear people. I wish their words didn’t sting and ring so true in my ears. and i wish that i could see what makes me so completely undesirable to the male sex.

Every guy says he wants a girl like me, interested in the things they’re interested in, but– they never…. I’m too much like a sister or a best friend…

Or there isn’t any attraction there anyway.

Say the truth. Say what burns. Say what you mean… Tell me i’m ugly tell me that i’m the fattest thing you’ve ever seen– i just want to know.

It’s insane.

i feel like my brain is fallin out of my ears and i’m not sure why I feel like sobbing– but I know i’m scary. I must be. Why would everyone run so? Am I that appallingly boring in personality that no one desires to speak to me?

Derringer Meryl [the answer is yes] Out