Undone

Ever had those moments where you just wanted to run and hide in a box? Yeah, this is one of those moments. This is the moment that staples is on the phone and he’s talking to me, and i’m just… wondering why he thinks that Monkey and I are still dating.

You think i’d run with that idea, considering the fact that Staples is interested in me… but since i don’t think monkey would appreciate that very much, and i don’t need to be deluded at all.

So I told the truth. Aren’t you proud of me? I told the truth when it was harder. I told him that I wasn’t, and I hadn’t been since July.

I’ve never been so proud of myself. I feel like calling and telling Monkey right now — but instead, I’m going to go buy cake. Yes, fattening, thigh adding, waist thickening and tongue happy cake.

I don’t care. I told the truth. Good On me.

Derringer Meryl [Happy, and then Not] Out

While I admit, I love my siblings all very much, and they’re all very special, I”d like to take this moment to express my anger at one of them.

The Specialist.

I’m sure it’s a very hard life being abnormally smart, as well as looked up to. I’m sure that’s a horrible burden to bear. I’m sure it’s hard for people to ask you for things all the time and then to deal with their anger when you don’t necisarily know the answer. I’m positive that all of that is hard. Difficult to deal with.

But there’s a thing called “No” Maybe you should have started to say it earlier. I don’t know. But now you’ve gotten yourself tangled in a whole bunch of promises (either said or unsaid) and you can’t keep them all. So most of them get half done.

Maybe i’m saying this when i’m too angry about it, maybe it’s the fact that I can’t write without music, and thus the fact that i can’t hear a LARGE amount of my music means that nothing is getting done. I have the feeling that several large Bobbie pins have been shoved through my left eye, and i just want to break down and never move again. Dammit, all i want is my damn music.

My father has spent three hours trying make it work, and I’m sure …. I don’t know. I’m just so … stress that my throat is constricting and i’m crying because i can’t listen to my stupid music. it’s stupid and childish,a nd I’m probably not even that mad at the Specialist as I am that life sucks and I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want to do school. I don’t want to Date, I don’t want to think, I just… don’t want to function any longer. I want to lay down in my large luxurious bed, and not get up.

it’s horrible to say that. I hate myself for saying that, which is probably just as contradictory as anything. My head hurts, my teeth are clenching so badly that my jaws hurt all the way up into my forehead. My cat Bit me, and i have a major paper due on tuesday, work tomorrow night. I’m so… tired. I’m so. … i’m just done. I just want to be done with it.

Derringer Meryl [Stressed to where It hurts] Out

Here’s hoping you enjoy the new layout. if it’s hard to read, i may find time in my very busy schedule to fix it. if not, i’ll hire a chimp to do it. 🙂

Derringer Meryl [Hi Ho, Hi ho, it’s off to work i go] out

No Sound. I got a new harddrive, which is spiffy and pretty, but I have NO sound. I’m not very happy. No eminem for me while I write. That makes me sad. Very Very sad. *sniffles* I’ll fix it later. I’m too tired to care right now.

Cause I need to rant.

Change

I hate change. I hate it a bunch. I hate how everyone expects me to understand it and do it like there’s no big deal at all. And I feel like chucking a brick through the head of the next person who tells me to go with the flow.I don’t know how to. No one has taught me, or explained to me HOW. They just tell me that i have to. I hate that. Give me steps, tell me how, explain to me.

and I want to murder my computer, I want MUSIC dang it. I don’t want to hear the laughter, I don’t want to hear the jokes, I don’t want to deal with everyone else, I just want to listen to Eminem swear about how life sucks. That’s all I want right now. And so…

I’m about to pull my hair out.

I went to see Win a Date with Tad Hamilton and fell in love with Topher Grace (all over again)

I renamed (or will rename) my computer soon, to Miroku. Don’t ask, don’t tell. I’m pretty strict on this one this time. I figure New harddrive, New name, right?

I better go figure out WHAT exactly I’m going to do my Psychology paper about — I’m going insane, slowly.

Derringer Meryl [need to update more often] Out

Have I mentioned yet how i hate this? How i hate Iambic Pentameter,a nd I hope it goes to the depths of Hell when school is done and over with. When am I ever going to need Iambic pentameter? WHEN?

*pulls her hair out* I’m horrid at it. Simply horrid. I can’t get the syllables right, and I just don’t feel very poetic right now.

So I’m listening to Eminem, and hoping i’m inspired.

Derringer Meryl [It feels so empty without Iambic Pentameter] out