Undone

bwahaha! Finally, I got into my diary. I know that sounds odd, but anyone who has run a free diary on Diaryland knows that when it’s busy– sometimes you can’t write an entry. it’s slightly annoying. But then again– i’m not paying, so i don’t really have a right to complain.

worked last night. i was supposed to work with Jerkie-mc-jerkerson but he was sick and switched Monkey Schedules. It was interesting. Tho– i know monkey reads this, (and i know it, because he and i discuss things i say once ina while) I will refrain on a full commentary on what happened last night.

We were busy. Very very Busy. I took some work home because i didn’t get it done while i was AT work. and No, i didn’t get paid extra.

Now, for those of you who are upset and the wrongness of it all, me working and not getting paid…. well– i dont’ really care. Sure, it wasn’t MY fault the work didn’t get done before we closed, in fact… but whatever. It’s not like i wasn’t already going to be up till one in the morning– now i was just doing something that actually counted. 😀

Mou. I’ve been trying to figure out what i can do (sans medication…) to help myself with my depression. I hate my medication, as i’ve said multiple times before– but– i seem to be in this odd place in my life.

Where I hate everything about myself. I’d change it all, and i hate to look at myself in the mirror (hence the fact there are no mirrors in my room… that and a really scary story i was told when i was younger….) but i’m okay. i mood swing, really fast. but i’m trying to keep it in check better. Trying to speak to myself in my head to calm myself down.

i’m not a nutcase, I’m different than you– in fact, maybe you’re what’s different and my moodiness is normal. In fact, if the overwhelming amount of the general populous is depressed and moody, you’re the minority…. maybe you should bend to them…. *leers*

and i’ve come to realize that i write in this journal as i do in my physical Journal. I address someone as “you” and i never really name HERE who they are where as the physical journal has a specific person i’m writing to. It’s interesting.

I guess it’s a habit. Talking to ‘you’ but when it’s on the internet– it could be the specialist, or Dax, or Wudan– or some random person from Indonesia… or something. I know there’s someone from Pennsylvania somewhere… that reads, i’m not sure if it’s regular– but i’d like to think so. 🙂 That’s just cause i’m delusional…

Mou. It’s tuesday. For those who didn’t know…. *smiles* and we positively absolutely need a lyric spew.

Genius, Duncan Sheik

Clearly I’m a genius

If she only knew it

but somewhere in her radius

I really blew it

I know, I know what I said to her

and I know what I did

What I don’t know is how I could ever be

so incredibly stupid

[CHORUS:]

(you don’t really need to know every last detail.

Its hardly worth telling

suffice to say I said that I would be there

i never came through)

Maybe I’m a genius and

she just don’t see it

I fronted,

I should have admitted,

she saw right through it

I never thought that I could be

so underhanded.

somehow I’ve cornered the market on

the double standard

[CHORUS]

For this act of genius

and so many others

I know I should apologize

and see how it goes

what am I waiting for?

come on, come on, come on, come on

sha la la la la la sha la la la la la la la

to all of the geniuses…

Oh yeah, i’m a genius. I know it. *dances like a freak from the eighties*

Go ME!

Derringer Meryl [You don’t need to know] Out

I’ve never considered myself weak, only kind.

However I draw the line exclusively at touching. You touch me, and i WILL react in a violent manner. I may regret it later, but no matter what, It will be violent. Tonight at work with the Mouth and a parttimer i voiced my extreme dislike for being touched….

And then promptly was touched BY the parttimer.

Let me clarify what I constitute as touching. I have a bubble. I’ve had this bubble for a long time. It surrounds me, and if you invade it, that’s okay, just get out of it fast…. that’s just invading my space. Touching means a part of YOUR body comes into contact with a part of MY body. It’s very simple.

Now, this wasn’t a simple pat on the arm. NO. This was, he slipped his arm along my back and attempted to scoot me out of the way– he did this instead of asking me to move, or more appropriately tapping me on the shoulder, he instead tried to move me forcibly by putting his arm around my waist.

Before I sound like a crazy, I know there is only about three feet behind the counter space (depth wise) and that there isnt’ a lot of space to maneuver. The occasional brush of someone against someone else is NOT unheard of. Hell, I’m used to that.

This was intentional contact, in, in my opinion, inappropriate ways. I don’t LIKE to be touched. I hate it. I told him I hated it.

Then he touched me. Does anyone else see what’s wrong with this? I do.

*shudders* I hid behind the Mouth for the most of the rest of the night. I became quiet and withdrawn. I hate being touched. Being touched reminds me of things– memories long since forgotten– I wanted to hide, i wanted to be away from the store.

For the first time in my two years and three months of working at the store, I felt uncomfortable there. Emotionally. I’ve hated my co-workers– I’ve hated my managers. I’ve hated the customers, but all the while i’ve been safe.

Now I don’t feel like it so much. I don’t know why– but it’s not safe there anymore.

Derringer Meryl [In Need of Help] Out

Feels like i haven’t updated in years. Psh. Oh, and it’s only been a little while.

I went to work this morning expecting the day after Christmas rush, as I should, but the power was out, so… yeah… I did pretty much nothing all day. I was at work from like… eight-thirty till noon, just hanging out, as my brain slowly became… used to the gross things that Gert and the Mouth were saying.

They are not for repeating, ever. *shakes her head*

At least I don’t have to work the rest of the week– seeings as how I’m not scheduled, and … i’m kinda snowed in. Oh, but that won’t stop me from having a stripper for my birthday, damn straight.

Not really. I think i’d be frightened of a stripper, and I’d glue anything i hold near and dear down, so as to prevent them from taking a five fingered Discount. Heh. Sorry, i watched a Tru Calling where a stripper steals some stuff– and so ever since, i’ve been wary. Not to mention the idea of seeing someone nekkid…. Isn’t my idea of a good time. I’m more of the– “Watch a movie and eat pizza” type. Though, if it was with the right people, i wouldn’t mind a tickle fight, and shameless non-committal flirting. Heh. Right? How can you go wrong with that?

Okay, so i know a few ways you can go wrong with that– but– it’s okay. *feels a twinge of guilt and anger* Blah Go away.

What I do want for my birthday (cause i’m a shameless birthday ho, and i want presents. Because of the weather, i’m not getting anything from Family. They had no time to go out and get anything before the merciless weather hit) is a Berserk toy. (coughs) not that i expect it. But if someone just wanted to call and say Happy Birthday, and just say they were thinking of me on my special day, that would be alright too. I guess. 😀 Honestly, next time i go to work, i expect to get an Xbox game that was free to my manager, but he was too much of a ho-bag to distribute like he was supposed to, and is instead giving them as Christmas Presents. Mou.

Lets see. I have games to finish, a lesson to prepare, and a room that desperately needs to be cleaned….

I think i’m going to read some Fanfiction.

Derringer Meryl [Evil] Out

*dances*

I’m soo…. enthused. I dont’ know why– maybe it’s Christmas. Maybe it’s because I’m actually feeling good about being alone, again (tho, I’m still a firm believer that i’m ugly. Ten months of someone telling you that everyday, you start to believe it.) and it’s good.

Life is. ya know. I’m going to be Nineteen, and i’ve never been kissed– but i have a feeling i’d not be very good at it…

Blah– but i’m good. Stuff is good. i don’t feel all…depressed for no good reason. It’s good. I mean, sure there’s stuff I could complain about… like how i nearly hit someone on my way home from taking presents to work– but i don’t really want to. I don’t feel the need to. *sighs* And I’ve been reading romance novels (novelettes, fictions) and i’m okay. I don’t care that i don’t go to sleep with someone holding me.

Cause all that seems to bring is drama. Nothing works out as simple as it does in the movies. Heck…. Because if we watched a movie that was life like– it’d never end. And you’d be depressed. and no one would want to see it.

We want to see fake movies, that are up lifting and cheezy. Those movies are good, and make you feel good about life… Tho, if we sold a depressing movie with a suicide booth right out side of it…. we might make a … killing. Heh. What a horrid pun.

Anyway, I’m off to make a killing selling adult video games to children. It’s fun to see their parents come back after christmas, pissed off, and powerless. Heh heh heh.

Feeling a bit evil?

Derringer Meryl [Yes, Yes I am] Out

Finals, Are done. Hallelujah…. praise the Lord, Amen. *nods*

Right then, on with the rest of the blog. *nods again* The Mouth and I were reminiscing about our first meeting, how i threw a copy of Herdy Gerdy Across the store and, not only knocked several things off their proper places on the shelves, succeeding in breaking the case quite nicely. He seems to remember assessing me as ‘a quiet, pure, Mormon girl’ and i saw him as ‘a complete jerk off’ (I didn’t tell him that, but it’s the truth…. that is how i saw him. heh.) Yes, most people see me as that. The good church going Ned Flanders would marry me if i weren’t so young, pure as the driven snow (before acid snow was around), white little lamb. Yeah, i guess that’s how i come off, and dang it, i sure do use it to my advantage.

The unfortunate thing is, i have a bit of a sailor’s mouth. After three years of public high school, you get a mouth like that. Actually, that’s a lame cop out. There’s a lot of kids in this great state of mine who come out of school just as pure as they entered it. What i really mean is After trying to FIT IN for three years at a public high school, you get a mouth like that. I admit, i bent to the pressure. It’s not drugs, it’s not drinking, and i don’t do it cept when i’m angry. Bad habit. I’m trying to quit. Honest. *shrugs*

Geek Check. I”m getting this tomorrow, it makes me all kinds of happy and giddy. *nods* Then i get to idle my birthday and Christmas times away by watching the episodes until my brains fall out. *nods* It makes me happy. *dances* YEs, my complete Buffiness, will soon happen. They release about two a year (or so) episodes. So one in July (or so, it might get bumped a bit) that’s the sixth season, and another in December, the seventh season, and POOF they’re done. Happies. 🙂 This is the last season on the WB, who were fools to give SMG and the rest of the crew, the boot. Joss was clever, to give it an ending that would have been fitting if the show hadn’t gotten picked up by UPN…. a fitting way for Buffy to die, but i’m sure everyone else is much happier with her alive the way she is– tho…. people were pretty pissed about Spike… People being me.

Right. He’s semi-alive now. Just as alive as he was before. *nods* Corporeal. Neat. eh?

Derringer Meryl [All I want is a Corporeal Spike] Out