Undone

So many things– that i just wonder about. I’ve been getting out later, and later at work….. especially when i work with Gert. I know i’m not doing anything that’s different, so i’m wondering, what’s taking so long? *blinks* eh…

and so much for the idea of “Don’t point out pretty girls in front of other girls.” yeah. Every (or darn close to it) girl who walked by our store yesterday got a “How you Doin’?” from Gert. *frowns* but what am i supposed to do? I can’t say anything– I can’t do anything– Good Grief. I can’t say “Hey Gert, I think you’re pretty funny, I really like spending time with you– and the bottom line is– i really like you.” No. Cant’ do that. Want to know why?

CAUSE HE’S MY FREAKING BOSS, duh!!! You can’t say things like that to bosses. You can’t say things like that to people you work with for that matter. Thinking you can is fallible. You’re wrong. and if you for some reason think “MY case is different, it’ll work out for ME….” you’re just fooling yourself– you delusional freak. Heh. *whispers* though i’ve wanted to give him the address to my blog here for a while…

Right-

Oh, By the way, Happy October!!!

I bought the first DVD of Slayers today. I should be getting my copy of Inu Yasha and DN Angel soon too (tomorrow, or friday) and so i’ll be in Anime Heaven. 🙂

Time to cook dinner. Oh, and because of my special friend — i get to stay home and watch Angel. 😐 Ick about the friend. Yippie about the Angel!! 🙂

Derringer Meryl [off to cook some dinner] Out

I worked at Gert’s roommate’s store tonight. It was nice to be able to clean his store up– and help him out a little. He’s a really nice guy– and very friendly… I really must think him up a code-name *smirks* I have it. I’ll call him Dateless. Everyone teases him about not having a date in quite a while, but all in all, i think it’s because the girls here are waiting for some dashing prince charming, who just isn’t going to come– and are simply missing the warm, funny, polite, kind and gentle guys around them.

Trust me– You don’t get everything you want in a mate, you give and you take on somethings, just stick it out on the important ones. That’s all i know, that’s all the wisdom i have to impart.

But there i am, working at Dateless’ store, and i was thinking that I could get used to it there. Not that I don’t love working at Gert’s store, he’s absolutely wonderful– which is mainly why I don’t want to work with him any more… because it’s unprofessional to date those you work with, I know that. Shit. I feel bad for dating monkey while we worked together– it was a bad idea… *sad eyes* i’m not going to focus on that right now-

anyway– the store is fairly easy to keep up, and i could date Gert (if i so chose) and i’d be away from Monkey … i’d still be in the company… though i’d be away from Artemis. that makes me sad, i do greatly admire her, and love to talk with her. Friendjamin is moving away, so either way, he’s going to be gone. I’d have to work with one pompous Animeboi. He annoys me …. probably because he turns me on so much. Which is icky, because he’s smarmy and ew, and… EW. really. he’s ew.

Why does it sound like i’m trying to convince myself? *shrugs*

anyway, I think i’ve caught myself an illness, so i’m going to go sleep, at a semi-reasonable hour.

Derringer Meryl [living the only way i know how] Out

Isn’t it horribly amusing when you fall asleep thinking about one guy, and you wake up from a dream you had with another?

right. Well I think it is. I think it shows how undecided i am about the whole “who I like as more than a friend” situation i have going on in my mind.

The one guy i was going to switch jobs for, just so i could date him…. and the other guy, well…. we gave it a go, and he just doesn’t think of me that way. It’s okay I guess, not everyone in the world has to be physically attracted to me. *smirks* (Note: I’m not usually this cocky.) I guess I should move on, but ya know– i’m not the kind of girl who just gives up. I guess it’s what scares people away from me. I’m not normal. I’m not what they want me to be, and that bothers them. From My parents (specifically my dad) to my friends and co-workers. I’m determined to make things work MY way. No matter what. 🙂

Stubborn little byatch, aren’t I?

the thing is right now… which way is my way? I’m not focusing on how i feel, but how everyone else feels about things. It’s so much simpler to say ‘Well Frank feels this way about this thing, so i’ll just do the same.’ There are so few things i feel overwhelmingly like i have to express my opinion, i just go with the flow. 🙂 eh. Works, doesn’t it?

Derringer Meryl [how do YOU feel about that?] Out

Have you ever felt the kind of pressure that when you feel it, you feel like lashing out at the person who seems to be pressuring you? It’s like, they keep reminding you, and pestering you, about stuff you know you need to do, but … you just don’t want to. If that person was a tamagotchi, you’d put it in a drawer and ignore it’s small chirps for help as the piles of poo surrounded their tiny body. Poor thing.

*sighs* I’m just tired of feeling like everyone isn’t so much advising as they think they are. Or maybe it’s all in my mind. I swear. I don’t want to go to the singles ward more and more each time it’s suggested by my dad. We even had a discussion about it with our home teacher today. …. *sighs* good gravy. I’m just so tired.

I don’t think i’m taking the job at Game Crazy. the idea of it makes my senses scream, and my body tense up. I guess it’s because i feel like i’m a liar. I misconstrued myself so that i could get the job. ick. I hate feeling like this. and I could continue on with the drama that is why i don’t act anyway i don’t feel… but eh, that’s okay. I don’t want to think about it.

I feel so stressed. I have another test this week, and i feel grossly unprepared, in a way that just about sickens me. I better head off to bed, so I can *crosses her fingers* feel better in the morning…. and maybe God will tell me, in the night, how to wriggle my way out of working at GameCrazy. I’ve never been one to say no… heh.

Derringer Meryl [i always seem to be going upstream] Out

going slightly insane. I can smell his cologne on me. …. and i hate myself. Every part of me, everything that makes me me.

i got the job. I got it by being fake. I hate it. I hate the job. I hate myself. I hate what i do to people.

I hate feeling this way. I wish i just knew. Knew how to act around him, how to live and breathe, without hurting someone. I wish– I wish I’d just stop. stop seeing, stop feeling, stop being all together. I dont’ want to die… I just want to cease to exist.

That’s alright, right?

I want to be forward. I want to be right. I want to know what it is i feel when i feel it… and then once i knew, i would make it go away.

It feels like i’m making my own life crumble on purpose with this new job. Like i’m kicking the last solid thing i have in my life out from underneath me. My friends leave for college, my friends get married (and engaged and what not), and my family seems… distant, like i’m not really here… and they all grow closer together, while i’m on the outside.

I won’t even touch the monkey situation, since i have no clue where it is. I hurt inside when i think about it though. I’ve done some damn shitty things, and he forgives me like it’s nothing.

I’d just like to stop existing now, thanks.

Derringer Meryl [periodic crying bouts] Out