Undone

is it just my imagination, that if you get away from an addiction, and even flirt with the idea of going back to it, it’s got you in a grip tigher than one of JLo’s dresses?

Yeah. That’s the way it is. It sucks you back in. *sighs*

Poor Mouth. The Mouth. The Mouth I hate and usually despise, or at least loathe. (At the Very Least) He got ditched by his girlfriend after them spending two years of their life together. I guess he really didn’t see it coming. *shakes her head* I wish heartbreak on no one. Being betrayed like that…. can hurt worse than anything. *frowns* I’ve had my own share of “I care, he doesn’t” relationships. It’s really rather annoying. I did one relationship like that for ten months and nearly killed myself (no joke), so the idea of doing it for two whole years, and then having to live– it’s hard. Apparently she just wants to see if what they have is real– like to see if their relationship will last.

I think that’s crap. I think it’s stupid to back away from a perfectly fine relationship and say “Hey, want to screw this up as much as we can by dating other people??” I mean YEAH you’re going to be attracted to other people. Good Grief. I mean, Even during my relationships I find other people attractive, I just don’t chase any tail. IT’s how it goes. So the idea of splitting up a successful relationship because you “aren’t sure if it’s working” is some lame scape goat excuse so you can get out of a relationship you’re obviously afraid of.

Buckle down, Batten the Hatches, and face your FREAKISH fears, okay? I’m afraid of going to college. Like going there. Being there makes me ill. Passing people on the walkways makes me depressed, and going to class takes a will of Iron (I have a will of Aluminum foil, so I dont’ go to class) But in January, I’m going to go full time. I’m buckling down, and i’m doing it. I don’t wanna, but I hafta. So there. Do it. Do what you don’t want to.

I’m not saying stay in an abusive relationship, and I’m not saying stay in a relationship where there’s no chemistry, but don’t bail because you’re bored. Trust me if you’re bored, your significant other, is five times as bored as you. Spice things up, try something new. And if you’re BOTH still bored, seek some help–

Giving up is for Sissies.

Derringer Meryl [stupid vortex of love] Out

Psh. Like The Specialist actually DID lyric spews before me. Yeah right. *blinks* I don’t know. his blog doesn’t go as far back as mine does, so i’m not sure — but I started lyric spewing the end of my junior year of high school.

Cha.

I’ve spent my day reading fanfictions. I love to read stories. AU stories, Romance stories, Drama, Thriller….

Pretty much anything. I’m a reading freak. Which reminds me–

I was talking to my mom last night, who unfortunately gets no alter title other than my mom…. sorry, about how i hate going to school. She says she thinks that I may becoming agoraphobic… Or afraid of going out into public. I can understand what she means… but I think it’s actually the fear of interacting with people I don’t know. I’m not scared of the mall… err… most malls…. and I”m not scared of the doctors office (cept the germs, icky) I’m not scared of any of that… I’m petrified of school.

It’s the forced interaction of people, who otherwise wouldn’t talk to each other. I don’t do well with the idea of making small talk with someone. *frowns* I’m no good at it, and i …. I hate doing it. I hate talking to people. Conversing with random people, annoys me. Frustrates me. ANd it’s freakishly ridiculous that it’s expected of me.

My mom says I can’t be afraid of people cause “How do you expect to get married….?” and I think to myself “I sorta hoped he’d be introduced to me, or that…. well that we’d be forced friends. Two people in an unsavory situation (like work or school) and that i wouldn’t have to start the conversation…. and … I don’t know. Sue me. I don’t like to talk to people…. *mutter mutter*”

Yeah. Maybe I don’t want to get married RIGHT now. Maybe I’ll have to take sometime to get over things…. and MAYBE it’s going to take someone else to really bring me out of my shell. Good grief.

Invasion from Within Tsunami Bomb

Enemy inside of me!

I’m caught! I cannot kick them out

Their claws are wrapped around my throat and they are squeezing tighter

Insanity is coming over me

Their every wish is my command

No way out!

I feed them, you will too!

They’re gonna take control of you!

You’ll know when they have got you trapped

Everything looks cloudy and you feel like you’re on fire

Inhabited, I wish that I were dead

My blood has turned from red to black

No way out!

When they come for you

They see right through your flesh and bones for soon you’ll be their home

They know you deep inside, the things you can’t try to hide

No hope after the first bite

Look out ’cause they are onto you

They’ll cut you open, crawl inside and you’ll be lost forever

Don’t try to run ’cause you’re the chosen one

Your world is gone, no turning back

No way out!

Derringer Meryl [Nothing works out right] Out

Me? Cynical and unable to stand the company of others for an extended period of time? NEVER!

I’ve been looking over the school books, figuring out what classes i need to take, what i’m going to be doing for the rest of my life. I”ve pretty much rested on …….

LEGAL SECRETARY!

I know, it’s sort of, um, anti climatic. But the Certification is only four credit hours long. Basically, while i’m taking the first one, I can dick around and take whatever classes I want. Ten credit hours of WHATEVER I want! Isn’t that the awesomest? Sure, some of it is stuff that i’m going to need to be a good secretary (that is, filing and stuff like that… 🙂 Sure, it’s not special stuff, but then i can take the psychology classes, and the Lit classes that i wanted to, but not be pressured into a major–

Give me some time, i can find the lazy way through anything. ANYTHING.

Sure, i may be selling myself short (Legal secretary? C’mon, you’re a genius writer Meryl, you could do so much more…) But I find myself sorta– dried up in the wya of poetry. All of it comes out in the way of …. really bad angsty teen poetry.

and I hate angsty teen poetry. So While I’m not going to toss any of it, I”m also not looking to be published either. Cause it sucks– and anyone who says otherwise, well– they’re trying to make me feel good…. so thanks, but I’d prefer the truth. 🙂

So on that note, i’d like to end with a poem. 😉 Oh, and this is total slam impormpty poetry…. so flame me, but once again, i’m not going to feel very badly since i know it sucks.

The icy touch
stinging
ripping
pulling my
mind apart
and it stays
buzzing
ringing
whispering
to my mind
unknown to my ears
impossible to know
what keeps it there
Insanity slowly grips my
body
as i come to realize
and loose this all
what was
never could be
facing backward
in an downward
movement elevator
and my brain
shudders
in an orgasm of thought
shaking me
violently
stopping all other action
and I SCREAM
Leaving the blood clots
on the dainty white doilies
and every time
my head fills to the brim
stretching
reaching out to you
to why
it ended
i’m back
where i ended
not knowing
but i keep reaching
touching the blood stained
walls
hoping to remember
what never was
and could only be
some deluded fantasy
my over ridden mind
produced

Derringer Meryl [The orgasm of thought] Out

The shame of forgetting to update my blog each day. Lets see, shall we take a run down the “HALL OF EXCUSES”? Lets.

First, I have a temp job in addition to my regular job. Hallelujah, especially since i have a full slate of college classes coming up. I’m really REALLY REALLY looking forward to that. In fact, you might say, i’m downright despising the idea– more on that later. Homework would be another good excuse. I”m trying to be better about getting it done, and like– on time for once. My story (which is going swimmingly) is also a time and writing energy sucker, and Angel, and Institute. Blah. So basically, all of the hours of the day are being wiled a way, actually DOING something other than writing in here. Makes me sad, this Journal is like my baby, and ignoring it makes me feel like some kind of ,…. mean mean person. *eyes flutter* Man, am I tired.

Yes. So Imagine this (I have you do that alot, don’t i?) that you’re going to college. One class is basically sucking up anything you’d like to call free time. That’s just one four hour class. Amazing, right? So now, for heavens sakes, you have to take twelve credit hours, and you’re wondering where the hell your parents are thinking you’re getting the A)Time and B) money to do this. I mean, sure, doing the school thing, that’s great, everyone says so…. but sheesh. The price of education, is horrid. I don’t want to go to school reallly, but the parentals say i have to. (Which i’m sure is a factor that is going to make some of your heads pop off, but if i want to live at home rent free, i’ve got to be earning myself an education.) While i’d prefer to just doing what i’ve been doing (working, and lazing about) For some reason, a college education seems like a good idea to people.

Too bad, i have no clue what I want to be when i grow up. Maybe if i did, i could actually pick a major, and work at it. *frowns*

Derringer Meryl [damn seasoned rat] Out

Money sucks. A lot. It’s like the uber suckiness of all time. I hate it. I hope it rots and dies, and then I follow there after.

Oh, and in a close second comes college. College sucks ass. The fact you have to pay for books (written by pompous jackasses) pay for classes, pay to park, pay to eat, pay to sleep…. what don’t you have to pay for? Honest. The person who thought that higher education is great, is a complete jackass. I hope to kill him, and follow soon after.

Oh, Right. My family reviewed their monetary standing today, and lets say, we’re standing below the newest Joe Millionare by some degree. *grumbles* I don’t want to go to college (one of the sources of our lack o’money) and i really don’t want to continue my education. For Heavens sakes, i just got done with friggin’ 13 years of education, my brain hurts from all of that, and now, i’m back. For year 14, and i’m tired. I don’t want to do it. I don’t want to go, because my general education requirements are mostly done– like i have four or so credit hours left, and i really don’t want to DO any more. I don’t know what i want to be when i grow up, and i’m not going to know by the beginning of January.

I’ve narrowed it down, lets see… out of everything i could be in the world– I don’t want to be something that involves other people, crowds of people, talking on the phone to people, or touching people. Does that narrow it down for you? I thought it would. So basically, if it’s a job– and it has people there, i don’t want to do it.

I’m pickier than hell.

Derringer Meryl [Suffer Me this] Out