Undone

Before I begin, IF you are a squemish sibling (or their wife, I figure you fall into the sibling catagory, but i’m talking to you) or if you just don’t wish to know the inner workings of my mind, don’t continue. Please. Dont. I don’t need your teasing because i’m honest. I am honest. I’m open, and this entry is open too. So don’t read it if you don’t want to be slightly (or more) grossed out.

my evil plot has worked….

I’m killing Scott slowly.

*blinks* wait, that was supposed to be carried out on one of my exes, not my dashing darling wonderful handsome stylish fiancee. Crap. I thought the whole torture was going a little easily. :-S

*coughs* So in all actuality I’m not trying to kill Scott, but I’m succeeding really well. He thinks that it’s not hard for me, and i never do anything stupid.

I’d let him talk to Red for two minutes, and wow…. he’d have a different idea– but some horrid stories should come from your spouse to be, and not from her best friend. I’ve done bad things. Oodles. Scott’s lucky that his brain has been normal up till now (as in sex free thoughts) because honestly, my brain has been doing all that junk for a long time. Maybe that’s how i know how to handle it.

Sukie thinks you can’t divert sexual energy into work. *snickers* She may be right, but I seem to succeed at it. *smiles* I’m still a love free zone here, and i’m fine! I think i’ve just learned to handle all the little nasty thoughts that run through my brain.

I sorta feel bad. Not depressed as Scott so thinks though, just kinda guilty. He misses who he used to be, before he met me. And while i know he doesn’t mean that he wants to go back and be without me… i still sorta get that. still sorta feel like he doesn’t want to wait with me (that could be misconstrued, let me explain) he doesn’t want to be in the in between period with me. He wants to be either like he was before he met me (sane with coherent non-sex thoughts) or married.

and the reason I don’t “make mistakes” like he says is because i dont’ want to. I want him, but I want to be with him forever. That outrules everything. I want Scott forever, not just for a little while. And when we kiss, I pull back and look at him and smile. I think “I get to be with him forever If I’m good. I want to be SO good.” That’s why I smile. Because I love him so much. I want to be with him all the time– and I love it when he holds me. Just holds me. Not even kissing. I love to hold his hand, and have his arms around me. I feel right. Do you know how long I’ve waited to feel right? Nineteen years.

So yeah, Sex runs through my brain, a lot. Romance and forever runs more. I couldn’t bear to be without him. It’s death to have him leave every night. But I have to do it. I have to let him go, so I can have him forever.

and that’s what I want.

Derringer Meryl [is going to get stupid comments from sibs] Out

So, i’ve been working on my cover letter/ artists letter for my Creative writing class. It’s really odd. I can’t think clearly enough to write something very coherent.

So you get to read it, and tell me, is it coherent enough to give to my teacher?

Oh, Btw…. if you’ve never read my writing. I’m sorry. Go here and then you’ll know what i’m talking about. Hee.

“Writing is like sex. First you do it for love, then you do it for your friends, and then you do it for money.” Virginia Woolfe

“Passion rules us all. And we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love… the clarity of hatred… and the ecstasy of grief. It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we’d know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank… Without passion, we’d be truly dead.” –Angel, Passion

I write. It is my passion and my pride. I don’t do it for anyone else but me, so I guess that’s what made this class challenging. It was easy to please my audience before, because my audience was me, and I felt the sheer relief of just writing, and I was happy. I admit, most of my writing is no where near worth publishing. That’s okay. I write for love. I’ve tried writing for others, being commissioned, but it just doesn’t work that way. Not for me. Not yet. I write free and open, and I don’t care what I say or how I say it. I feel power in the obscene images I present. I love being honest and bare.

When it comes to writing, I suppose I’m a nudist. I love the bare bones of writing. I love to dissect sentences. I love to be candid and honest. I love broken images. I love hearing someone who has just read my piece say “What was that about?” Maybe it’s some sort of power kick. I like how I can make someone think; how each piece is something entirely different to each person. I know what each piece means, what it’s about, but I get a high off of hearing what people interpret it into. I feel power in writing vague. I love it. I love writing. I love pressing the pen down to the paper until it bleeds ink. Why I do it, the way I do it. Passion rules me… Rules my writing. Without it — it would be empty and lifeless.

Derringer Meryl [Discovering the Joy of waiting] Out

a miracle happened, and these lyrics became suddenly accessible. wahoo! I love this song (don’t look for the CD, it’s not out yet, May 18th) It’s by Alanis Morissette, and it’s called Everything. I love it. It’s what I feel. It cusses once. If you can’t get a grip on the fact that swear words exist– then maybe you need to be reading some self help stuff.

I can be an asshole of the grandest kind

I can withhold like it’s going out of style

I can be the moodiest baby

And you’ve never met anyone

As negative as I am sometimes

I am the wisest woman you’ve ever met

I’m the kindest soul with whom you’ve connected

I have the bravest heart that you’ve ever seen

And you’ve never met anyone

As positive as I am sometimes

You see everything

You see every part

You see all my light

And you love my dark

You dig everything

Of which I’m ashamed

There’s not anything to which you can’t relate

And you’re still here

I blame everyone else, not my own partaking

My passive aggressiveness can be devastating

I’m terrified and mistrusting

And you’ve never met anyone who’s closed down as I am sometimes

You see everything

You see every part

You see all my light

And you love my dark

You dig everything

Of which I’m ashamed

There’s not anything to which you can’t relate

And you’re still here

What I resist, persists, and speaks louder than I know

What I resist, you love, no matter how low or high I go

I am the funniest woman that you’ve ever known

I am the dullest woman that you’ve ever known

I am the most gorgeous woman that you’ve ever known

And you’ve never met anyone as everything as I am sometimes

You see everything

You see every part

You see all my light

And you love my dark

You dig everything

Of which I’m ashamed

There’s not anything to which you can’t relate

And you’re still here

And you’re still here

And you’re still here

I love that song, SO Much. I heard it on the radio, bought ti on the cursed Itunes.

Derringer Meryl [Giddy happy for lyric spew] Out

I went to school today, and actually got something worthwhile accomplished too. I have all of the cards that we (Scott and I) got from Bed Bath and Beyond filled out with our names on it. (His first, since that’s how we’re registered) and I only messed up once! I’m really proud to say that’s done and out of the way.

Our invites are mocked up. THey need a few finishing touches to be complete, but we’re getting really close. I got my session for the temple scheduled (wahoo) for the Fourth of June. I’m sorta nervous about this. It feels like …

wham!

and i’m a grown up. I mean, I’m getting all these grown up things to worry and think about. An apartment, a GOOD job (lets face it, you know it, i know it, Gamestop sucks monkey butt) and it’s just something i’ve been thinking a lot about lately. That and school. Scott says it’ll be a while until i get to go back to school. I think it’s fine. I think some time away from school will help me appreciate it. Right now, I dont’ know what i want to do. I think it’s a waste of money that i’m going– because it’s not going towards anything. Not general education or anything. Just random classes that sounded good. :S The thing is (I know Scott’ll try to contest this, and maybe The Specialist) I’m not good at anything. I mean, i can’t remember ONE time in my whole life that The Specialist wasn’t insanely brilliant. I mean, he’s always known stuff, always been a really good speaker, very eloquent, and a good speller (I remember him winning the spelling bee, one of my first memories) He’s just always been smart. Always. Sure, everyone messes up, or is wrong sometimes, but he’s always been brilliant.

The thing behind it, I think, is passion (I happen to be insane about passion at the moment, and the lack there of) The Specialist has this passion for computers. He loves it. He loves knowing things about them. He knows so much about them, that I think my brain might explode just trying to comprehend how much he knows…. Scott has the same thing. He knows stuff about computers. He knows which processors do what. He loves knowing stuff about computers. Loves knowing stuff that other people don’t. I don’t have that. I don’t have the passion to learn. I remember the one thing that I used to be passionate about learning about was Mythology, but It got to the point where I couldn’t focus anymore. It just kinda went away. I know SOME stuff about computers, but just enough to make an old person feel stupid (with the exception of my mom, who I swear has now surpassed me in computer knowledge.) I love to write. I’m passionate about my writing…. but that’s not something you can get a grown up job with. Not really. I mean, I could pull a JK Rowling and write something amazing on coffee napkin, but in the end, I’ll probably end up more like Emily Dickinson, who wrote her whole life, but no one liked it until she was dead… (Makes me kinda wish I was dead sometimes… in a non suicidal way.)

I’m passionate (or maybe anal is a better word) about being neat. Looking at my computer desk and bedroom, you’d think i was a big fat liar. But if you take a look into my filing cabinet you’ll see that all my essays from my AP American History class are in order with a front sheet saying what grade I got on each, what the essay prompt was, and then the average for the scores. (adding all the scores up, dividing them by the number of scores…etc) I did it for my English Class too. I love doing that.

Is there a job like that? Where you take things and organize them? I love putting things in order. THe thing is, with my room, not everything can be alphabetized and put in order, so that’s why it’s running amuck. But my magazines are in groups of fashion and gaming (what an odd combo, right?) and then the magazine title Specifically (and alphabetically) then by date issued. 🙂 I’m a freak. I know. I love it. I love that.

Seriously….. Is there a job where you just clean and organize like that?

Derringer Meryl [Finding her Passion] Out

I’m juvenile when I’m ill, or upset.

I had a bad dream yesterday morning. It shook me pretty bad. I had a panic attack and the things I could usually handle, I couldn’t anymore. (like going out in public…) I have this fear of people. Now I know the general populous isn’t out to get me, but when i’m in panic attack mode, they are. Every last one person who isn’t in my little circle (Scott, Family, and a few friends) are out to get me. I was in the fetal position on my recliner in my front room. I wasn’t feeling so swell.

I had wound down quite a bit by the time when Scott and I got to talk.

Anyway. Before you ask, I don’t want to talk about my dream. I can almost guarantee you weren’t a part of it. If i told you WHAT happened in it, you’d regret ever knowing as the experience would rip any sort of innocence you have in your body away. (I don’t care to share that experience) You’re not gonna know. I’m not gunna tell you. I won’t tell mom, I won’t tell dad, i won’t tell Scott. Sorry. No. I can guarantee you, you dont’ want to know. So leave it be.

Derringer Meryl [Disturbed] Out