Undone

Before I begin, IF you are a squemish sibling (or their wife, I figure you fall into the sibling catagory, but i’m talking to you) or if you just don’t wish to know the inner workings of my mind, don’t continue. Please. Dont. I don’t need your teasing because i’m honest. I am honest. I’m open, and this entry is open too. So don’t read it if you don’t want to be slightly (or more) grossed out.

my evil plot has worked….

I’m killing Scott slowly.

*blinks* wait, that was supposed to be carried out on one of my exes, not my dashing darling wonderful handsome stylish fiancee. Crap. I thought the whole torture was going a little easily. :-S

*coughs* So in all actuality I’m not trying to kill Scott, but I’m succeeding really well. He thinks that it’s not hard for me, and i never do anything stupid.

I’d let him talk to Red for two minutes, and wow…. he’d have a different idea– but some horrid stories should come from your spouse to be, and not from her best friend. I’ve done bad things. Oodles. Scott’s lucky that his brain has been normal up till now (as in sex free thoughts) because honestly, my brain has been doing all that junk for a long time. Maybe that’s how i know how to handle it.

Sukie thinks you can’t divert sexual energy into work. *snickers* She may be right, but I seem to succeed at it. *smiles* I’m still a love free zone here, and i’m fine! I think i’ve just learned to handle all the little nasty thoughts that run through my brain.

I sorta feel bad. Not depressed as Scott so thinks though, just kinda guilty. He misses who he used to be, before he met me. And while i know he doesn’t mean that he wants to go back and be without me… i still sorta get that. still sorta feel like he doesn’t want to wait with me (that could be misconstrued, let me explain) he doesn’t want to be in the in between period with me. He wants to be either like he was before he met me (sane with coherent non-sex thoughts) or married.

and the reason I don’t “make mistakes” like he says is because i dont’ want to. I want him, but I want to be with him forever. That outrules everything. I want Scott forever, not just for a little while. And when we kiss, I pull back and look at him and smile. I think “I get to be with him forever If I’m good. I want to be SO good.” That’s why I smile. Because I love him so much. I want to be with him all the time– and I love it when he holds me. Just holds me. Not even kissing. I love to hold his hand, and have his arms around me. I feel right. Do you know how long I’ve waited to feel right? Nineteen years.

So yeah, Sex runs through my brain, a lot. Romance and forever runs more. I couldn’t bear to be without him. It’s death to have him leave every night. But I have to do it. I have to let him go, so I can have him forever.

and that’s what I want.

Derringer Meryl [is going to get stupid comments from sibs] Out