Undone

I went to school today, and actually got something worthwhile accomplished too. I have all of the cards that we (Scott and I) got from Bed Bath and Beyond filled out with our names on it. (His first, since that’s how we’re registered) and I only messed up once! I’m really proud to say that’s done and out of the way.

Our invites are mocked up. THey need a few finishing touches to be complete, but we’re getting really close. I got my session for the temple scheduled (wahoo) for the Fourth of June. I’m sorta nervous about this. It feels like …

wham!

and i’m a grown up. I mean, I’m getting all these grown up things to worry and think about. An apartment, a GOOD job (lets face it, you know it, i know it, Gamestop sucks monkey butt) and it’s just something i’ve been thinking a lot about lately. That and school. Scott says it’ll be a while until i get to go back to school. I think it’s fine. I think some time away from school will help me appreciate it. Right now, I dont’ know what i want to do. I think it’s a waste of money that i’m going– because it’s not going towards anything. Not general education or anything. Just random classes that sounded good. :S The thing is (I know Scott’ll try to contest this, and maybe The Specialist) I’m not good at anything. I mean, i can’t remember ONE time in my whole life that The Specialist wasn’t insanely brilliant. I mean, he’s always known stuff, always been a really good speaker, very eloquent, and a good speller (I remember him winning the spelling bee, one of my first memories) He’s just always been smart. Always. Sure, everyone messes up, or is wrong sometimes, but he’s always been brilliant.

The thing behind it, I think, is passion (I happen to be insane about passion at the moment, and the lack there of) The Specialist has this passion for computers. He loves it. He loves knowing things about them. He knows so much about them, that I think my brain might explode just trying to comprehend how much he knows…. Scott has the same thing. He knows stuff about computers. He knows which processors do what. He loves knowing stuff about computers. Loves knowing stuff that other people don’t. I don’t have that. I don’t have the passion to learn. I remember the one thing that I used to be passionate about learning about was Mythology, but It got to the point where I couldn’t focus anymore. It just kinda went away. I know SOME stuff about computers, but just enough to make an old person feel stupid (with the exception of my mom, who I swear has now surpassed me in computer knowledge.) I love to write. I’m passionate about my writing…. but that’s not something you can get a grown up job with. Not really. I mean, I could pull a JK Rowling and write something amazing on coffee napkin, but in the end, I’ll probably end up more like Emily Dickinson, who wrote her whole life, but no one liked it until she was dead… (Makes me kinda wish I was dead sometimes… in a non suicidal way.)

I’m passionate (or maybe anal is a better word) about being neat. Looking at my computer desk and bedroom, you’d think i was a big fat liar. But if you take a look into my filing cabinet you’ll see that all my essays from my AP American History class are in order with a front sheet saying what grade I got on each, what the essay prompt was, and then the average for the scores. (adding all the scores up, dividing them by the number of scores…etc) I did it for my English Class too. I love doing that.

Is there a job like that? Where you take things and organize them? I love putting things in order. THe thing is, with my room, not everything can be alphabetized and put in order, so that’s why it’s running amuck. But my magazines are in groups of fashion and gaming (what an odd combo, right?) and then the magazine title Specifically (and alphabetically) then by date issued. 🙂 I’m a freak. I know. I love it. I love that.

Seriously….. Is there a job where you just clean and organize like that?

Derringer Meryl [Finding her Passion] Out