Undone

ONE MORE WORD! *growls*

If i hear one more word from a certain MAN about who and when and why i get married, i’ll kill him. I’ll just go some kind of berserk, and then i’ll claim insanity because he was attempting to controll my life. Jerk.

So yeah, I’d like to get married in the temple, it’s a special place to me. I want to be sealed to the man i love forever. Hello! C’mon. But the bishop doesn’t ask if you’re a Eagle scout or if you went on a mission because IT’S NOT REQUIRED to get MARRIED!!!! Oi!

Yeah, Most of the time RM’s and Eagle Scouts are nice– but i’ve heard stories of guys who are all of that and are still Jackasses. Hello, ex-boyfriend? Eagle scout. *shrugs* I’m sorry– but those things don’t matter so much to me.

Standards? Religious. I want him to be religious. Preferably my religion. I’ve heard too often that religion breaks up marriages, ya know the differences in practices… etc…. can cause marital unhappiness.

So yeah. Also, i’d like my husband not to be a complete prick– like some other people.

Oh and if anything like “Women should be seen and not heard” EVER spilt out of his mother loving pie hole– he could count on being castrated and put out to pasture.

Derringer Meryl [Femminazi Extrordinare] Out

My fingers are all pruney.

I just spent the last hour washing dishes as a deal so I could come on here and update. Hee hee hee. I did a good job, it’s not my fault that everything smells like vinegar (gack).

I was thinking about my older brother (sure I have a lot of them,just to keep you guessing) he’s only four years older than me. Well… three years and six months, but I figure, what ever. Anyway, I’m a devoted little LDS girl, I’m not ashamed of it. I love my religon (Before you flame me I adhere strictly to the 11th article of faith which states that (in Lay terms) you do what you do, I do what I do, we just let it go. k?) and I know it makes me happy. It might not do that for everyone– but I know it made him happy. It was one of those things you could see in his eyes, even when he was mad– or sad– that he knew it was true. That God loves us…..

Then — I don’t know where it all went wrong. I don’t know when he stopped believing it all– but I didn’t like the person he became. I still love him, he’s my brother, there isn’t any way I couldn’t. I just know that he isn’t — that he doesn’t

that he doesn’t feel right. He’s struggling. He’s confused. Because the rest of his family is LDS and he isn’t, and he doesn’t want to be on the outside, but he doesn’t want to go to a church he no longer believes in to make someone else happy.

All I know is that my older brother… the one who looks like my twin. The one who i’ve always looked up to, the one I strive to do everything right so I can be like him–

Can’t go to my wedding.

Sure I’m not engaged, or anything like that, hell, i’m not even dating much! But As I sat spinning in a computer chair today at the local store, My mom said: “That’ll be useful for when you move out” and for the first time really– it hit me.

I’m a grown up.

I have only a few months left of my life as a reckless kid, who stays out late and does things that are fun on the weekend, and — who doesn’t think about the concequences when they buy some stupid thing at the store. Then I realize–

I’ve been grown up for thirteen years now.

My brother used to stay out late, and made stupid choices without thinking about the concequences, and I saw how it hurt my family. How it hurt me. I didn’t like it, so I decided that I wouldn’t do that. And when he got his girlfriend (now wife, thank you very much) pregnant, he stepped up and took responsibility.

I was afraid. Dammit, I still am. Because– because we’re almost twins. We look so much alike it’s scary, I kid you not. Because I’m afraid of making the mistakes he made, I became my own parent. I told myself “Is it very responsible to go out and do things with people when you have homework?” and I got better grades. I said to myself “Is it really responsible to go to dances when that big test is on monday?” and I stayed home. I didn’t need my parents to ground me, or yell at me, or remind me of the concequences of my actions.

I did it myself.

I wanted to do everything right, every last thing. I wanted to take the AP tests he didn’t, I wanted to pass the classes he didn’t, I wanted to win the awards he didn’t. I wanted to be him, and better. Every good thing about him, I wanted to be.

I lost myself while playing his shadow.

Not to mention I’m a perfectionist. It’s not hard to take the tests he didn’t, or pass the classes he didn’t– but the awards, the glory. He was an editor, and went on all the dates to all the dances.

I didn’t wish to repeat the dances– that would take away from my academic glory.

But here I am at my senior year, and the world is rushing me out into life, into the world of uncertainty where you don’t have someone to hold you hand–

and i don’t have a path to follow.

It makes me nervous. I had my entire life planned out. I was going to graduate from the academy of Travel and Tourism, work as a travel agent through my college years, and then become an English Teacher for a high school.

Then My senior year happened. I didn’t like High school students, the academy became much too– well lets just say it was far too challenging for the beginning classes you take. The college I wanted to go to, and wanted me, was Catholic, so that was banned by a higher authority… ahem. So here I am.

I’m going to go to SLCC until I decide where else to go. What a plan.

Derringer Meryl [Game of Life] Out

If I could– I’d give up nearly everything I know for a beautiful body.

Nearly everything. I’d keep the knowledge of the gospel– but everything else– gone. I wouldn’t care. I’d be gorgous and I’d sell video games– at an amazing rate.

I’d date! Shocker. I actually would date if I were pretty. If one man who was not blood related to me would tell me that I was hot. That he’d date me– I’d date.

I get the little sister treatment.

I don’t mean your best friends little sister. Imagine (if you’re a girl) that you’re a boy, and someone wants you to date your little sister.

Nasty! I know.

A boy once told me he couldn’t date me because I reminded him of his little sister. I hate that. I hate the fact that i”m not demure and — and– coy and all the things boys like

I’m not what they want. I’m not what they’ve been looking for all their lives. I’m their little sister.

Annoying, Bossy, and someone you want to leave you alone for the rest of your life.

That hurts.

Derringer Meryl Out