Undone

Isn’t it interesting how everything gets all kinds of mushy at Christmas time?

The Specialist is feeling it. My dad isn’t feeling the mush, and I think he’s missing it. I don’t get mushy over him anymore. *shrugs* I’d be sad if he died…. I do admit that. I’d miss things about him– but sometimes his drama-y ways out weigh the goodness that i know lies inside.

Tonight, i went to see Elf again. Everyone at work was going… and for the lack of a better excuse, i went too. 🙂 I love it when they include me. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzily. Heh. I’m a dork. Anyway, Dad was a little upset that I didn’t ask permission to go. Since i’m eighteen, i didn’t realize that i needed permission, considering it’s my money i’m spending and Artemis’ gas money too. (as in she was outside wasting gas as she waited for me. :S) I guess that’s one of my rebellious things. That I don’t feel like I should ask to go. I don’t mind asking, but i don’t think it should be demanded of me that I should ask.

What i’m most sorry about is that Dax got ripped a new one because i didn’t understand that Dad wanted to talk to me on the phone. Sheesh. 🙁 Sorry Dax. I didn’t know that it was earth shaking that i was going out. I’ve been out before like this. With the same people…. Not like Dad keeps tabs on where I am anyway. Psh. Usually he doesn’t realize that i’m gone …. for a while. Like until Dinner, or Prayers. I have to admit, i’m a little miffed about that. I don’t expect him to have my schedule memorized…. honestly, I barely do– but it’s nice to be missed, and God, if your family doesn’t miss you, who will? (Do i always say that or what??)

I’m a whiner, I need some cheeze to go with my whine, I know.

But tonight… is not the time to be deep and introspective. I’m just …. tired. and I need to… eat something…. So, Yeah.

Derringer Meryl [You Sit on a Throne of Lies] Out

Isn’t it funny… how everyone feels under valued and under appreciated….

That includes me. I have a major familial inferiority complex. I mean, when you have older brothers like Daxero, Wudan, and the Specialist (in no particular order of greatness) You find yourself wondering what kind of worth you bring into any situation. (forgive me any misspellings, the night time tremors hit me, and they’re getting hard to control) I mean, Dax, he’s a genius at Art. I mean it. He hasn’t been to any professional art schools or anything, but he knows a lot. I mean it too. he’s a freakish genius with both the computer art, and the hand work. It’s amazing…. and I get frustrated because I have all these images that i know could look so beautiful– but don’t ever come out through my retarded hands. They aren’t useful for much. They type, and pick at fat on my body, that’s about it.

Then There’s Wudan. He’s my youngest Older brother (that makes sense right?) and I’ve ALWAYS wanted to be good enough for him. I’ve aspired to traits that he has. I was on Literary Magazine, like him, but I wasn’t an editor, I was on Debate like him, but I wasn’ the captain, I tried collaging like him, and he only says it looks like a frat boy threw up. Like I said, hands are retarded. Very much so…. And I can’t ever be as good as him in anything. God, He was better at a religion he claims not to believe in anymore. I can’t even do that.

The Specialist, I have to admit, is the worst. Not that he’s bad, but i may have aspired to impress Wudan, but I lived to achieve approval from The Specialist. I have to admit, it drove me insane. I couldn’t keep up with his trends, and his music was louder than I was used to…. (I was used to the Little Mermaid, I was like, seven okay?) But I wanted him to say I was okay. That I could hang out with him without my mom having to ask if I could come along. I wanted to be part of the crew. The Specialist, He was an artist to be reckoned with as well. He could argue with the best of them– and I have no clue how he gets all of the facts in his brain to stay there. He knows countless facts and dates and times, and he’s rarely if ever wrong…. Not to mention he puts any of my cooking to shame with his simple chocolate chip cookies….

and I can’t ever be good enough. I can’t ever be part of my own family. I never really have been. I never worked right. Ihad hands that kept me from drawing, or being an artist, my mouth was too slow, and my witty comments misplaced…. All I had were my tears…. and their pity. They took me places– but you knew they didn’t want to. What teenage boy wanted to be saddled with the task of watching his younger sister while at the mall? I don’t blame them…

But the question is, why does it keep going this way, when I’m almost out of my teens, and they’re all well out of theirs? Three of the four of my brothers are married. …. and I have no pleasant memories of my childhood…. except… alone.

Yeah, some things may be hard for The three I named…. I wouldn’t doubt they all have their issues too. I mean, everyone does, right? At least I have the comfort of knowing that most of mine started at home.

Derringer Meryl [I don’t hate you] Out

Oooo, Beginnings! I’ve got my homework done. Huzzah. I’m done feeling all oooy gooey about last night. *tosses it out the window* however i’ve come to the decision that my dad won’t CHOOSE who I marry, and for that matter neither will Wudan, or the Specialist. *leers* I don’t know if the Specialist was joking about giving monkey the rusty saw treatment, but in any case, Monkey is one of my few friends, and i’m not about to let one of my stupid siblings ruin that for me. *rolls her eyes*

I think it’s part of the human condition to feel the need to protect your loved ones from people you feel have the capability to hurt them. 🙂 It’s a nice thought guys, but shove off, you didn’t protect me from anything when i needed you to, and now, your “I’m your older brother and i need to protect you from all the bad guys in the world” act is not only bothersome, it’s over done. You care, you’ll back me up in my defiance from what some people in the house have done. Cause when it comes down to it, I’m not Wudan. I don’t plan on being LIKE Wudan. I don’t plan on being the Specialist, or Daxero, or anyone else but me. I know the rules, I know where to go, what to do, and what MY goals are. So, basically…. be supportive. I was of you. I had all the faith in the world in The Specialist and his wife. I defended their right not to go to church, if they so chose. I blatantly told my father that i did not want to discuss their worthiness to go to the temple. I didn’t want to know. I still don’t. It’s not my issue, It’s not something I Need to know. As for Wudan and His wife, well, I’m one of their greatest allies, because honestly, we aren’t winning any points by shoving religion into their gullet. *shrugs* I’m really into this whole AGENCY Thing i heard about at church. I live the way i want to. I get my blessings, and my short comings, and stuff happens. Same with everyone else. Some people aren’t ready for church or religion, and some are.

Some are just being rebellious brats. IN any case, it’s everyone’s own choice to do what they want. And so they do….

*smiles* And I do what I want to– except, it seems like even my own siblings are beating me back down. I mean, the old standard of “I’m older so I can do this, and you’re younger so you can’t.” doesn’t hold up so much anymore. Ya know? I deserve to date who I want. Wudan got to. Why not me? heck, and mine are even members of the church, they just aren’t active. I guess it’s because i’m a girl, right?

Anyway, it’s time for the lyric spew– because I want to… 🙂

In the inspired Karaoke-ness of today (Gert is having a Karaoke Party … no i wasn’t invited, but i wouldn’t have been able to go anyway.) we get a song, that would be great for Karaoke!

Falls apart Sugar Ray

She falls apart by herself

No ones there to talk or understand

Feels sustained, dries here eyes

Finds herself, opens the door inside

People see right through you

Everyone who knew you well

Falls apart, might as well

Day is long and nothing is wasteful

Runaway runaway [Rodney background:] runaway runaway

Hold, hold you but your going away

Runaway runaway [Rodney background:] runaway runaway

[Rodney: Want]

Hold (Want) you tomorrow but your leaving today

You walk along by yourself

There’s no sound, nothing is changing

Been gone away, left you there

Emptiness is nothing you can’t share

All those words that hurt you

More than you would let it show

Comes apart, by yourself

All is well and everything is wasted

Runaway runaway [Rodney background:] runaway runaway

[Rodney: Want]

Hold (Want) hold you but your going away

Runaway runaway [Rodney background:] runaway runaway

[Rodney: Want]

Hold (Want) you tomorrow but your leaving today

Sometimes we’ll feel around and this dance instead can’t be down

All the sound of me on my own

Any sound of me again it’s time away surround around a friend

I know where I know where no where to runaway

She falls apart, no one there

Hold her hand, it seems to disappear

Falls apart, might as well

Day is long and nothing is wasted

Runaway runaway [Rodney background:] runaway runaway

[Rodney:] Want

Hold (Want) hold you but your going away

Runaway runaway [Rodney background:] runaway runaway

[Rodney:] Want

Hold (Want) you tomorrow but your leaving today

Runaway Runaway

Hold (Want) hold you (Want) but your going away

But your leaving today, but your leaving today

Derringer Meryl [She Falls apart] Out

Oh joyus reunion day.

Right. Like having my family come back to this place can ever be happy. I honestly know that I should love the members of my family more, but–

Sometimes it’s hard, like really hard too.

It shouldn’t be.

I have to wonder how life would be if Zoloft and other Non-MAOI’s had been introduced into my life earlier.

Sometimes I wonder if i’m even living this life, or if I’m just imagining it and my first grade teacher will just kick my chair finally and I’ll wake up and be back in Woodglenn Elementary with my little boyfriend that I taught how to swing, and we broke up because he didn’t give me a good Valentine. I should have realized then that I was doomed with romance.

I have to wonder if what is going on isn’t some big joke and someone like Suzanne Summers isn’t going to pop out of no where and try and sell me a thigh-master while telling me that I’m on candid camera.

Like my whole life is one big Truman show. Yeah Right.

That would be some sort of twisted fantasy where I could blame all the problems in my life on the fact that every person in my life had lied to me and I actually had no really true friends– except the ones who were trying to tell me the truth…. It’s funny how readily we identify lies as truth, and truth as lies.

Really, Think about it, any movie you see someone tries to tell a character the truth, and they deny it, because the truth is just too hard to bear. I don’t know where they get off, but get over it, get some medication.

And then sometimes I wonder if my life is a self projected hallucination, that I’ve made up in my mind to cover the heart ache of something way too deep. But then I realize what ever is going on in my life is much more painful than whatever is going on in the ‘unprojected’ life so I did a pretty cruddy job on my hallucination.

Life is pain, I suppose that sums it up, I don’t know why It has to be, but it is.

Derringer Meryl out