Undone

Meryl, what makes your problems so difficult?

They’re mine.

it’s that simple. everything in each one of our lives seems more and more difficult, because it’s us. we have intricate problems, with situations and rules and emotions, that someone else couldn’t possibly understand.

Like my situation with Gert. I’d give anything to be able to tell him how I feel. to be open, and flirty, and just… cute. ya know? I’d love to be able to act the way Artemis does around him, (they’re adorable, but completely platonic) I’d give anything to date him and to see if anything would actually work out between us. To see if I could even make him a better friend. I wish I could do that. But he’s my boss. (to which people say, so what?) that means I work with him on a routine basis. Which also means, the uber uncomfortable-ness of our situation would be extreme, if i said anything along the lines of “I really like you. Do you want to go out sometime?” and him saying “No” (as he is bound to do….) we would all feel, extremely odd, and i would loose my job. and then, nothing at all would be good about my life.

*Frowns*

Well. See, then there are phobias, and just– being neurotic, and wants and desires, and … everything. SO Complicated.

oh. and i’m never EVER ever going back to the mall. I’ll just go to the Software Etc, that’s it.

Derringer Meryl [Pistol Whipped] Out

Late Night Huzzahs!

Mostly the delusions of my mind being too warm while we drove down to the local college town (Only one hour away, what goodies) I thought about why I play video games, and why I work at a video games store, because honestly– I’m not an OG like i pretend to be. I’m a fairly ‘casual gamer’ that is, until i started working at the store, i wasn’t deep into video games– or anything…. ya know? Then I met this guy, he’s also the reason i’m really into Anime, and he liked video games, and so, then I liked video games….

Now don’t get me wrong, i don’t, in all reality, hate video games (like some girls who change themselves to get guys, I hate girls like that…. i’m such a hypocrite) What is really going on here, is that– I”m willing to try new things because someone else is interested in them. Sure, that person maybe a really hot guy, but HEY, it’s stretching my mind a little, okay? So Yeah. 🙂

and yeah, i’ve figured, i’ve done a lot in my life (short as it’s been) For guys sakes. I’ve moved, and stretched, and changed for guys. (Not that i’ve ever had one change for me ever, but that’s not the point here…) The point is, i’ve become the product of what the opposite sex seemed to be interested in, and instead of becoming the really hot girl who everyone wants to date because she’s SO understanding, and SO cool and laid back about stuff, i’ve become…. One of the guys Isn’t that great?

No, I (After molding myself to what i *Thought* guys wanted) have come to realize that guys want someone who is completely moronic, that they can feel smart when they talk to because they (their significant other) have no clue what they’re talking about. I’ve seen it at my own home, i’ve seen it at work…. i’ve seen it everywhere. Don’t tell me it’s not true, because i know it is. *leers* Stupid, Pretty, and Skinny. That’s the ideal woman…. Oh, and having boobs so big that her back will break, that’s good too.

So Yeah, I’m SLIGHTLY cynical about what guys want from a girl, but that’s because i’ve been trying to be what I THOUGHT guys wanted for so long, that’s it’s me now. Who I am– and now… I’m just sorta screwed.

Oh, and, Guster (awesome band, heard about them from Gert) is coming to town soon. I’d like to go, just because i’d like to do anything other than stay at home, and because i’d like to go with Gert. 🙂

Derringer Meryl [My Moods Don’t swing, Silly!] Out

What really gives me the willies about weddings

So tonight was my friend’s wedding reception. She’s only a couple of months older than me, so it’s a little odd to see her getting married… But anyway, She was a stunning Bride, and she seemed very VERY happy to be getting married. She felt it was right, he felt it was right, so they did. Happy for them. 🙂

What I hate about weddings.

The constant You’ll be next! vibe you get from people. It’s more than likely true, that i will NOT be next. I don’t know anyone that well, or have even dated that many people or ANYTHING like that. So– No. I won’t be. And I want to know how you’re not supposed to feel really shitty after coming home from something like that. I mean, you’re alone, and the bride and groom had rooms full of people who cared enough to come see them…. and you’re about two cats from being the crazy cat lady people find dead, slaughtered by some maniac they allowed into their life because they were so desperately lonely. It’s insane!

I’ve never been popular. Ever, by any stretch of the imagination. I’ve never been admired for traits, or anything like that. The people i once held near and dear to my heart as friends have become complete jerks to me. and when someone is where i want to be, i have to evaluate what i’m doing in my life to make it so shitty. And I know exactly what it is.

You’re not social enough.

Blah. I hate people. I hate sitting with people. I hate chatting randomly with people. I love sarcasm, and satire, and being bitter. I love myself that way, and i enjoy the company of people who are like that. Bitter-life-haters. People who smile too much genuinely get on my nerves, to the bitter end. There are a few of them I can stand, and even admire for how they smile even through the shitty stuff, cause i know i can’t…. heck, i can’t even smile through the good stuff, cause i’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop…. and it always does right after the good stuff happens.

Speaking of my lack of sociality (or whatever it’s called… i have no clue, i’m not social, so i don’t know) It made me think of Gert. Poor Gert. *sighs* He had a crush on another girl, and …. she’s taken. *Frowns* Poor guy. Man. It must really suck to be him. And I have all these things swishing around inside of my head (Sloshing, like fine brandy…) that i wish i could say to him, and i do (Just in my dreams) that would make him feel a million times better, but i just keep my mouth shut because he’s my boss. *shakes her head* I have the worst timing ever. i’ve considered going to Dateless’ store so i could date Gert, but i’m not sure i could stand the Animeboi they have working there. He’s just so irritating…. and scary. Besides, me working there, would not guarantee that Gert would even want to go out with me. *sighs* Probably not.

He likes skinny girls. Very petite girls. I am NOT a petite girl. By any means.

*Rolls her eyes and tosses some salt over her shoulder* Meh. Week after week sucks to no end. Lost 5 pounds, (Of the ten i gained recently) but i’m captain fluctuate-y– so who knows how long that’ll last.

Anyway, I have another chapter of my story to write, so i might want to start on that. 🙂 Else wise the many shall chase after me, and I shall die in the throes.

Derringer Meryl [Dressed in Black] Out

Happy Beginnings! It’s a new week, and i’ve used this weekend to reflect on a few things. First, I don’t know anyone as well as i’d like to. Including myself. I find myself falling into the Julia Roberts (ala Runaway Bride) role. I like whatever someone else likes. I’m uber laid back. It’s not like a guy i like, loves fried eggs, and i say i like them too, and what not, just because he likes them. I furiously hate fried eggs. No one could make me eat them. I hate TV drama shows (Ala The Practice) and like more cult-ish shows. (Buffy, Xena, Angel, etc) I like Anime. I don’t like Porn– i’m fairly strong on that point. And I figure, in the long and short of it, how the hell do i really know anyone else if i spend all my time trying to figure out me.

Lets see– what else? I have another temp job tomorrow– and it’s going to be a fairly tight day. Test, and two jobs. One brain stew. i’m really nervous about the test, because, well– i hate math.

Do you ever find yourself agreeing with someone just to end the argument? I find myself doing that, WAY too much. Like– all the time. I swallow my ‘pride’ and just say “Yeah, you’re right, and i’m wrong.” just because i don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I’m starting to get sick of being the submissive one.

I’m writing a story… which a few of you can’t read because you’re a) too judgmental or b)extremely rude. No offense to anyone outside of my circle of friends (that i know, i figure if you read this regularly, you’re as good as a friend) You’d have to suck up in a major manner to get the link, or you’d have to be really smart to get to it online. 🙂 I’m sorta having writers block with that. I wrote myself into the corner, but since i’m doing it first person narration, i figure if i switch characters, i have so much room to move it’s ridiculous. I’ve gotten more reviews with this story (all of them in a positive direction) than all of my other stories put together! It’s pretty awesome. I find it heartwarming… and it sure inspires me to write.

Lets see, yesterday was saturday, i should do a shopping recap: I got myself a pair of wings, and i got my sister-in-law’s Christmas gift, I bought a gift for Red too (as we went shopping together) It was a little Jade Buddha. She got me a gift (tis the season, or something.) it was a nifty little journal with “Fading Memories” inscribed on the front. The Pages look like they have been burnt a little, and a little purple bow ties it all up on the outside. It was a warm fuzzy for me. Cause I got one eighth of my family shopping done. Of course I still have Red, Monkey, Marco, Gert and J-Bob to buy for *smirks* You gotta cover your friends. 🙂 I’m sure i forgot one of my friends, and they’ll read that and be upset with me 🙂 But sue me, there are so many that i don’t regularly correspond with– so it’s hard to remember them all.

🙂 Anyway. I’m going to go brood, wanna join?

Derringer Meryl [Broody Bint] Out

2003-10-17 – 12:35 a.m.

You ever have those days where nothing PARTICULARLY sucks, but the day in a whole puts you into a funk. Like the fact that the perfect guy (personality wise) sits before, em and i just long for him to kiss me, or to show some interest, Or SOMETHING– anything– and then there’s my religion. I’ve said it once, i’ll say it again– i love my religion. I honest to God do…. it’s just a bit of a downer sometimes to say “He’s the perfect guy, but he isn’t LDS.” Friendjamin says I shouldn’t limit myself to a specific religion. But if there’s one thing i’ve learned in watching relationships crumble and wither and die– and such– that big things like religion, or kids, or money, usually causes the shit to hit the fan. (I’m sure there’s other big things, but i’m just not thinking of it right now.) Oi, think about it. THe first time I was in a serious relationship, he was the right religion, right height, right color of eyes, loved kids, but he was stingy with money. Sure, at the appropriate times, being stingy is okay. I mean, he was STINGY. as in he never paid for ONE date the entire time we were together.

Lets see, who was there after that… Oh. J-bob. We weren’t really ever together, but he’s the one who pulled me out of my sullen mess over the first one, so while it wasn’t an active relationship in the romantic, “we’re SO dating’ sense, it’s more of a — i liked him. A LOT. (Ahem, i still do.) And he was the right height, and he had this smile, and the sense of humor, and these dimples, and it just made you mushy. ‘Scuse me, it made ME mushy. Still does. I keep getting caught on the fact that he isn’t LDS. In fact, he’s very rebellious against the whole damn religion thing. He drinks, he likes pr0n, and i’m horribly in love with him. It’s like some sort of horrid thing where we torture (or I torture, whatever) myself by returning to see him, and i wish i could be that kind of person for him…. but that’s not a line i’m willing to cross. I’m just not.

Then, there’s Monkey. In the beginning, we hated each other, faught like friggin’ cats and dogs. But I always secretly liked him. He is LDS, but doesn’t go. He’s the right height, right smile, right words, …. wrong me. I guess. I can’t honestly place what was wrong with us. If there was an us. I’m a little hazy about that. But we’re still friends today. Mostly. I know i bash him about a bit in here. I really shouldn’t, and i feel pretty shitty about it afterwards. He’s an awesome guy, he does nifty things. He says the right things, at all the right times… *falls off her chair* how is it not supposed to make me feel bad that i was the wrong one this time? *raises her eyebrow*

In any case, i’m a disaster waiting to happen. Don’t give up on the things you want in a person, in a significant other. You’ll find it– and they’ll find you. And you’ll be happy. I just hope– that it’s sooner rather than later with me.

Red is coming up tomorrow (huzzah!!!) I have to take her about to meet new Co-workers, and J-Bob…. and basically i want to parade her like a friggin’ trophy. “Hi, My Name is Meryl, and this is my best friend Red, she goes to a real college. None of this Community college crap. Oh, No. She has roommates, and a dorm, and they cook, and she meets new people. *nods* Not like me, who stays at home, and shuns the touch of people.”

Speaking of touching people (smirks easily) dont’ get the wrong idea, this is clean. I thought i might explain why i hate it. WHy I wish it was acceptable to wear gloves 24/7 in society today– because my skin (like my sense of smell) is super sensitive. I hate people brushing up against me, or moving past me too close, and if you’ve ever been to the mall with me at Christmas time, you know what i mean– or if you’ve been to a Debate meet with me. I don’t go check postings. I stay back, I wait for the crowd to disperse– and if i HAVE to be in a large crowd, My arms instinctively lock so my fisted hands are underneath my chin, and my elbows are locked at an acute angle. I’m the type of a girl who reads something into touching. It’s an experience, I guess no one else has taken the time to notice. You can tell what a person does for a job by their hands. My hands are always so smooth and cold. People say “Your hands are so smooth, how did you get them like that?” I respond casually by saying “By doing no work.” And it’s the truth. I have upperclass princess hands. *blinks* I’m straying from the topic. My catchphrase back in the day (when I broke up with my first boyfriend) was “Don’t touch me unless it means something to you.” I’m not a fan of insincere hugs, fish handshakes, groping of any sort, or kissing random people…. Oh. And No Holding my hands. Don’t hold my hands. Don’t touch them. Not my fingers, not the palm, not the wrist. NO! *shakes her head* To me, holding hands is a bond. A promise. Not a forever promise, but a promise that says, I’ll be there. I’ll do what i can to help you through things. and we can do it together.

The idea of holding hands for the sheer thrill of it, or because ‘it’s what i’m supposed to do on a date…’ is shit. Complete, unquestioned, CRAP. You really like a person, and you want to hold their hand, you sure as hell better mean it.

Maybe i’m old fashioned, and a prude, and a freak– but if you felt everything that i felt when someone touches me, you’d want it to mean something too.

Derringer Meryl [Waiting for something– More] Out