Undone

Well I went to the barbecue

I enjoyed it… But I think it finally cured me of my crush…

Sure I still like HIM and all, he’s a great guy..

Very cute, Very funny, we still get along

But I realize now that I was deluded, and I can’t give something that I love so much up, just for a guy. (IE my religion) I don’t expect a guy to give it up for me. I understand that now

I’ll still like him.

But I think I’ll find someone else to crush on for now.

Derringer Meryl [Killing me Softly]

Roller Coaster…

OW- Of love.

Okay, so you’re not getting the whole picture with this, are ya? Well ya know. I’m the singing type. (Thus the reason lyrics to various songs are always spewed amid random thoughts) Roller coaster of love is classic.

*swoons*

He said I could go to his barbecue. I CAN’T go, cause there’ll be drinking and we have ‘family’ plans, but i COULD go, otherwise.

COULD– as in, if I were normal instead of the peculiar girl I am, I COULD go and make out with who ever the monkey I wanted. I could go, and I could flirt, and I could talk–

*sighs* But I”m not a normal girl. I’m the whacky patacky girl who can’t do those things.

Cause I’m moral and upright and whatever. I just — wish that he could see me… see me for more than just some girl he works with who falls down a lot….. See me as — as…

As a woman- Someone he could date, and tell his stories to, and laugh with….

*meekly* and kiss.

is that so much to ask?

I suppose it is. My heart can’t stand this. I wonder if he sees me. It takes alot of guts to say some things… like: “What kind of relationship do we have?” or just the plain old confession of: “Hey, I really like you, and I would like it if you really liked me….”

Man those are lame. I’ll go wallow in hours of Buffy Fanfiction– and

and….

being lonely.

Today he was saying sometimes he misses dating people, well girls– you know.

it was all i could do to keep myself from saying…. “I could help you feel better.”

Lame-o

Derringer Meryl [You don’t love me, the way I wish you would] Out

Life is funny.

Very Funny.

Hilarious really.

The twists and turns that happen to us everyday, can not be described in letter or on the screen, its just the way it is, sometime life is inexplicably predictable, and sometimes wild and unknown.

Right now I’m hoping for the unknown. For something just beyond my reach…. I can’t help but want a better rush than doing the same thing everyday.

Packing the same lunch

Kissing the same lips.

And going to soccer practice with the same kids, the same night of the week.

Is something new everyday unheard of…..?

Although as I think about it, Kissing the same lips everyday wouldn’t be bad. I would just require love, deep abiding love.

Good luck finding it.

I was thinking of asking…. HIM to the prom. Did I mention this already? Time flies on here, and mentioning this one way or another doesn’t matter

I don’t think I could ever do it.

Too scared. Rejection stings– like… like…

the fortieth lash on your back, and knowing that there are sixty more to come.

Burns baby…. like dry wood under a magnifying glass.

It’s inexplicable. Oh well.

I could imagine it…. I’d dress up pretty. The prettiest, and for one night

Just once.

He’d be my date. I’d be his date. And I could die happy.

*imagines dancing*

Here in your arms where the world is impossibly still

Everything seems to be clear, not a solitary thing do I fear….

Derringer Meryl [Dancing Queen] Out

So so Sad

This isn’t real– But I just wanna feel

Bouncing– Coming back from a relationship (see Rebound)

I don’t bounce. I decided it takes emotions to bounce– Emotions I don’t have.

Like what you ask? What kind of sick demented person doesn’t have emotions?

Me and two fictional characters:

Shadow: Final Fantasy three He commits himself to the life of a ninja, and lives without feeling, pain or love. Like a Jedi–

Buffy: After being dead for a summer, and then digging your way out of your grave you’d be emotionless too.

I was dead for Nine months, I know it sounds like I was pregnant, no that’s the time it took me to recover from my last break up. In a sense It’s even longer, nearly two years now. I can’t believe it.

All I feel is pain– if that. Just– Blahs. Flat emotion, the joys of loving depression.

I just want to breathe

I don’t know what I want anymore.

Derringer Meryl