Undone

bwahaha! Finally, I got into my diary. I know that sounds odd, but anyone who has run a free diary on Diaryland knows that when it’s busy– sometimes you can’t write an entry. it’s slightly annoying. But then again– i’m not paying, so i don’t really have a right to complain.

worked last night. i was supposed to work with Jerkie-mc-jerkerson but he was sick and switched Monkey Schedules. It was interesting. Tho– i know monkey reads this, (and i know it, because he and i discuss things i say once ina while) I will refrain on a full commentary on what happened last night.

We were busy. Very very Busy. I took some work home because i didn’t get it done while i was AT work. and No, i didn’t get paid extra.

Now, for those of you who are upset and the wrongness of it all, me working and not getting paid…. well– i dont’ really care. Sure, it wasn’t MY fault the work didn’t get done before we closed, in fact… but whatever. It’s not like i wasn’t already going to be up till one in the morning– now i was just doing something that actually counted. 😀

Mou. I’ve been trying to figure out what i can do (sans medication…) to help myself with my depression. I hate my medication, as i’ve said multiple times before– but– i seem to be in this odd place in my life.

Where I hate everything about myself. I’d change it all, and i hate to look at myself in the mirror (hence the fact there are no mirrors in my room… that and a really scary story i was told when i was younger….) but i’m okay. i mood swing, really fast. but i’m trying to keep it in check better. Trying to speak to myself in my head to calm myself down.

i’m not a nutcase, I’m different than you– in fact, maybe you’re what’s different and my moodiness is normal. In fact, if the overwhelming amount of the general populous is depressed and moody, you’re the minority…. maybe you should bend to them…. *leers*

and i’ve come to realize that i write in this journal as i do in my physical Journal. I address someone as “you” and i never really name HERE who they are where as the physical journal has a specific person i’m writing to. It’s interesting.

I guess it’s a habit. Talking to ‘you’ but when it’s on the internet– it could be the specialist, or Dax, or Wudan– or some random person from Indonesia… or something. I know there’s someone from Pennsylvania somewhere… that reads, i’m not sure if it’s regular– but i’d like to think so. 🙂 That’s just cause i’m delusional…

Mou. It’s tuesday. For those who didn’t know…. *smiles* and we positively absolutely need a lyric spew.

Genius, Duncan Sheik

Clearly I’m a genius

If she only knew it

but somewhere in her radius

I really blew it

I know, I know what I said to her

and I know what I did

What I don’t know is how I could ever be

so incredibly stupid

[CHORUS:]

(you don’t really need to know every last detail.

Its hardly worth telling

suffice to say I said that I would be there

i never came through)

Maybe I’m a genius and

she just don’t see it

I fronted,

I should have admitted,

she saw right through it

I never thought that I could be

so underhanded.

somehow I’ve cornered the market on

the double standard

[CHORUS]

For this act of genius

and so many others

I know I should apologize

and see how it goes

what am I waiting for?

come on, come on, come on, come on

sha la la la la la sha la la la la la la la

to all of the geniuses…

Oh yeah, i’m a genius. I know it. *dances like a freak from the eighties*

Go ME!

Derringer Meryl [You don’t need to know] Out

Lyrics are poetry that is sung. I’m sure that’s the stupidest thing i’ve said all day– still it’s the truth, and i’m all about the truth. and i’ve been listening to this song: You Oughta Know by Alanis Morrisette. And while the overall message is something that i relate to …. the broken promises, the quick replacement– i haven’t done the things that Alanis speaks of in her song… *coughs*

I want you to know, that I’m happy for you

I wish nothing but the best for you both

An older version of me

Is she perverted like me

…..

Does she speak eloquently

And would she have your baby

I’m sure she’d make a really excellent mother

And I feel like screaming that sometimes. What makes the other girl so much better? What is she that is so enticing. I’ll tell you what, she’s Not Interested. and that’s what makes girls interesting to boys. The conquest, the journey, and the fear. It’s a rush. And No one wants to climb (metaphorically) the same mountain twice. Good God. WHy should you have to? There’s fifty million other mountains, so– move on. Sure, there are the few people who climb Everest twice– and those are the (metaphorically) ones who get married, and stay that way. It’s more than an adventure, its a way of life.

Cause the love that you gave that we made wasn’t able

To make it enough for you to be open wide, no

And every time you speak her name

Does she know how you told me you’d hold me

Until you died, till you died

But you’re still alive

I may not have done everything that Alanis speaks of, but I know– that guys (as well as girls, but guys are more noted for it) promise things to get into girls (guys) pants. *laughs bitterly* I promise you that i’ll always be your friend.. Nothing you say can make me loose respect for you… Well excuse me, that’s bull shit. I’m sorry to say it, but there’s no getting around it– no getting around how it’s a lie. it’s age old, and girls still fall for it. We honestly want to believe people, believe that someone loves us, only us.

God, How often is it actually true?

And I’m here to remind you

Of the mess you left when you went away

It’s not fair to deny me

Of the cross I bear that you gave to me

You, you, you oughta know

And how fair is it that when you need people the very most, when you most need a shoulder to cry on people conveniently leave. When you hurt the most. People tell you to suck it up and move on. Just Move On. I get the concept, but the action it’s self eludes me. Yes, because I was a liar too. I didn’t mean all of those nice things i said about you. And i”m going to prove it by picking myself up, effortlessly, and moving on to the next date…. victim. No. So I agonize for … a while. At least people know my emotion is true, it’s deep, and i’m not going to smother it for their good. Too bad.

You seem very well, things look peaceful

I’m not quite as well, I thought you should know

Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity

I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner

It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced

Are you thinking of me when you [are with] her

Pick it up, move on. Love, Move. Love Move…. That’s insane. Freakishly insane. I can understand moving on. I Get that. But c’mon, intense relationships aren’t always the long ones. But society paints it out to be that you can’t get to know someone in a short amount of time…. And left is right and up is down, and there is no right direction. And it’s confusing. So I follow my heart. And it says it hurts still. It hurts because I was lied to. I was decieved. I was lead to believe that You didn’t care, and then to alleve your guilt, you told me the truth– you did care. and then he cared… and i was confused. I was scared. because no one wants me. And I can’t blame you for liking him, but God, I can blame you for telling me…. promptly after I had finally relaxed enough to believe that you DIDN’T like him.

This isn’t so much about him, as it is about your selfish-ness.

Cause the joke that you laid on the bed that was me

And I’m not gonna fade

As soon as you close your eyes and you know it

And every time I scratch my nails down someone else’s back

I hope you feel it…well can you feel it

Can I explain to you, that I love you. Like a sister. You’re my best friend– But it still hurts inside, and i’m not sure where I am at all.

And I can’t blame you for wanting him. How could you not? I blame myself. I hate Myself. Everything about me. For which there is no remedy. Someday the pain will cease. but — not yet.

I don’t want to talk about it. I jsut wanted to get it out. This isn’t a “I want to Discuss this with BOTH of you” type thing. This is a “I’ve bottled this up, and it’s not going to help me move on” type thing. Keeping inside was only infecting the whole damn emotional system. You two can snog like kittens now for all I care.

Just don’t tell me.

Derringer Meryl [Cynical] Out

Mou, can you believe it’s wednesday, and I haven’t even posted a freaking Lyric spew? Shame on me. I’m apparently the shame of the shame! Sheesh!!

Boy Crazy, New Found Glory

Some girls are crazy

Just listen to what I have to say about it

You’ve gotta watch out for the beautiful ones

They’ll twist your head right off your neck

And laugh about it with their friends

That’s just one night for them

They target you with their eyes

And move with their lips

And it pulls you in

She shuts you down with her voice again

And now are you listening?

This song goes out to girls

That we haven’t met just yet

This song is for stupid girls

Who think that every boy is all about them

These girls are crazy…

Just listen to what I have to say about it

You’ve gotta watch out for the younger ones

They’ll tightly wrap you around their fingers

And brag to all their friends

It’s nothing but a game to them

Then target you with their eyes

And move with their lips

And it pulls you in

She shuts you down with her voice again

And now are you listening?

This song goes out to girls

That we haven’t met just yet

This song is for stupid girls

Who think that every boy is all about them

You think you’re on top of the world

When all the eyes are on you

Just wait until your heart breaks

And you’ll know how I felt when I wrote….

This song goes out to girls

That we haven’t met just yet

This song is for stupid girls

That think that every boy is alll about them

Oi, Just switch it– girls to boys and boys to girls. Then this song is me-ish. Not to mention i’m sick of some ho-bag girl running up and screwing with guys i’m interested in. *eyes narrow* I’m protective.

mou.

Derringer Meryl [Doesn’t know what Mou is] out

*grooves to the beat* I’m all over the place in my moodiness. I don’t know why, and at this point in time, i’m not really caring, why i’m this moody. I love the power that comes with the mood swings, making people cower in fear that you’re going to bust out screaming…. yes, i do crave the power. Shame on me. *nods* i’m insane

Moving on…. I haven’t done a lyric spew– and this one is going to be Harder to Breathe, Maroon5 and i’m adding commentary, I like doing that. It makes me less lazy…..

How dare you say that my behavior is unacceptable

So condescending unnecessarily critical

I have the tendency of getting very physical

So watch your step cause if I do you’ll need a miracle

You drain me dry and make me wonder why I’m even here

This Double Vision I was seeing is finally clear

You want to stay but you know very well I want you gone

Not fit to tread the ground I’m walking on

Can I say, I don’t feel this about anyone. Honest. I just love it. Like i said, the powerof anger or any emotion is overwhelming, and i love the way it rushes through you, and it’s like, you’re not yourself…. you’re someone else, someone with super powers…. and you can change the world, or at least the one jerk who cut you off, or called you a bitch….. yeah,you’ll reform them right nicely with a pen in the eye.

When it gets cold outside and you got nobody to love

You’ll understand what I mean when I say

There’s no way we’re gonna give up

And like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams

Is there anyone out there cause it’s getting harder and harder to breathe

Is there anyone out there cause it’s getting harder and harder to breathe

No. No one is out there. No one cares if you can’t breathe…. But i’ve found the moments in which you feel you can’t breathe, are simply the most intense. Even if you’re in pain. Once again…. not being able to breathe is a rush…. adrenaline junkie, that’s what I am.

What you are doing is screwing things up inside my head

You should know better you never listened to a word I said

Clutching your pillow and writhing in a naked sweat

Hoping somebody someday will do you like I did

Have you ever wondered if someone who is so completely innocent that they must be completely deliciously sinful knows that they’re manipulating you? it’s insane that you’d let one person have that much control over you, and your habits, and the way you talk and dress…. and …. oh good grief.

When it gets cold outside and you got nobody to love

You’ll understand what I mean when I say

There’s no way we’re gonna give up

And like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams

Is there anyone out there cause it’s getting harder and harder to breathe

Is there anyone out there cause it’s getting harder and harder to breathe

Does it kill

Does it burn

Is it painful to learn

That it’s me that has all the control

Does it thrill

Does it sting

When you feel what I bring

And you wish that you had me to hold

If I screamed yes, could you believe me anymore? It does kill that i’m alone all the time. I’m defensive of it, and i’m lonely all the time. it feels like a million little knifes in my back when I see a couple kissing, and being happy together…. it burns to read of happy stories as people get married….. and yes, some people have every bit of the control. Every last bit– over me… and it excites me and it hurts and ….

i wish I had someone to hold.

Derringer Meryl [The thrill of the sting] Out

*urk* Welcome to Finals Week. It’s not finals everywhere, some places may have finished finals, and others, well– may have not taken them yet (i know BYU hasn’t yet…) All i know is that mine is tomorrow, and i couldn’t be more nervous. I’m trying to remember a few key equations, and i”m just dying to have this over with. *sighs*

I can’t wait for something So much better to come along. I hate math, i dont’ know why i took the bloody class, but i can say that i’m glad that it’s done. Today though, i’m going to relax a little. First off, I’m not feeling too well, and i’m going to do something that’s rare for my blog, i’m going to not only lyric spew, but i’m going to break it down. Word yo….. Just as soon as i figure out what i’m lyric spew on.

I Love you, Sarah McLachlan

I have a smile

stretched from ear to ear

to see you walking down the road

we meet at the lights

I stare for a while

the world around disappears

And what could be more heart wrenching than feeling like this, and knowing that it can never be willingly returned. Why does life have to be like that?

just you and me

on this island of hope

a breath between us could be miles

let me surround you

my sea to your shore

let me be the calm you seek

I could be. I could be the calm you seek. I could be so close to someone… that it seems insane. I’ve been that close to someone before. It’s amazing the heartwrenching pain that courses through your body when they leave…. not just for a little while, but for good. The way you’re so sure that they mean the things they’ve said, but the knife that was so tactically plunged into your stomach is twisted and explores the inner caverns of your body when you see them…. so openly betraying you.

oh and every time I’m close to you

there’s too much I can’t say

and you just walk away

and I forgot

to tell you

I love you

and the night’s

too long

and cold here

without you

I’ve expressed this before. I’ve expressed how you want to say things to someone…. you want to embrace them and tell them they’re the world…. and you just… can’t. Someone once said it’s rarely a case of can’t and almost surely a case of won’t. But mostly, i’ve concentrated on how lonely the night is without the warmth of another…. you. Without You. (I’m not sure who you is yet… but i hope to find him someday….) But people seem so far away, trapped in their own little shells, afraid to feel emotions… afraid… because they know life isn’t a fairy tale…. and they’re afraid of how life will be if it doesn’t end like Cinderella’s….

I grieve in my condition

for I cannot find the strength to say I need you so

oh and every time I’m close to you

there’s too much I can’t say

and you just walk away

People do that. They just leave. And you have so many words buzzing in your brain that you want to say… so many things that would all sound so beautiful if you could just say them at the right time, and the right way …. knowing that the other person loved you simply and kindly as much as you…. and it makes me wince a little knowing that the words wouldn’t be accepted…. by so many. I don’t knowhow i do it. How i keep living after being rejected so often. *laughs* But here I am…. alive and a little worse for wear….. still helplessly falling in love. How sad.

and I forgot

to tell you

I love you

and the night’s

too long

and cold here

without you

And I forgot…. no… i didn’t forget. I never meant to tell you. I knew what you thought of me, from the beginning. I let myself be deluded by my dreams of fairytale grandeur…. You couldn’t accept even the simplest of affections. And that being the way it is…. and me knowing that you and i aren’t… we …. dont’ match up– then why is the night so cold knowing that you’re no where near me?

Derringer Meryl [A little Truth, a Little Fiction] Out