Undone

More scandal and drama they chant.

Alright. I went to work last night (gasp horror) I know everyone at work’s POV on marriage, because we talk about everything together. I thought, in my pre-telling rundown, that Artemis would wig uberly, The Mouth would shrug it off, and that would be that. (I knew I was working with these people, so ya know, I only had expectations for them)

It was a complete fiasco. I told the Mouth first. Hoping that it’d go over well. His eyes got all big and round in his head and he got loud. “You’re what?” and what not, and how long have you even known him, blah blah blah. That’s when Artemis wanted to know what was going on. I had planned not to tell her until later in the night…. so much for that. She didn’t care, shockingly, and simply said to me “No one is gonna know if it’s right but you.” Which i figure is as close to a “Congratulations” from her I’m gonna get. At this point the Mouth is text messaging Guts, who doesn’t believe it. Of course he calls later to talk to Artemis and i tell him then… in the funniest way possible.

Me: “Hey Guts, wanna talk to Artemis?”

“No. Did we traumatize your boyfriend last night?”

I hesitate. “Actually he isn’t my boyfriend anymore.”

“What? Do i need to bust some kneecaps?”

Me: “He’s my fiance.”

“OMG! Really? I think i’m gonna cry!”

*nods* He probably would have busted Scott’s kneecaps If I’d just told him to… *blinks* but I certainly don’t want that. That would make me really upset… Now, he could bust The Mouth’s kneecaps… Okay okay, i’m just kidding.

I also told some of them that I wouldn’t be staying around much longer. Now I admit, I love working at the GS. Its’ great. I love it. But it pays for nothing. not even a video game, brand new, with each pay period. That’s how crappy my pay is. So after finals I’m getting a new job (That’s roughly eight weeks from now.) and Hopefully I can save up to buy things. (Ring, Shoes, Cake… etc)

after the fiasco at work (i’m leaving some of the uneventful tellings out. They’re interesting, but not drama) I came home and got into my pj’s at record speed, and ran downstairs to my computer. 🙂 All night I was pretty much staring at the clock, saying “I just want to go home.” It was stuck in a pretty negative environment last night. Made me really wish that Scott was closer, so I could get hugs and glomps from him 😉 (Glomp: To tackle from the back in an embrace. Usually performed by girls. Looks like cross between a hug and a piggy back ride.) I really miss him, and i’m grateful that I get to see him tonight… I’m sorta scared to tell everyone else, so maybe I’ll tell them right before I leave. I guess it’s because i dont’ deal well with confrontation and despite being in debate when very loud voices are involved i usually forget my arguments.

I just don’t want to hear them demean what I know to be right. (Why I don’t talk about the gospel at work) It doesn’t matter if they don’t believe that I can know that I love Scott already. Because I do. More than anything. It doesn’t matter if they disapprove, because they were only invited to the reception anyway. (Nah nah nah nah nah!) I love Scott, and he loves me, and that’s all that really matters. That we know that this is right. That God says it’s right. That’s all that matters to me.

Derringer Meryl [To heck with the disapprovers] Out

I didn’t have time to blog last night, and this morning I woke up too late, so i’m guessing i can do it now, from school (or Skool) Say hello to beautiful Community College campus. Not huge, but i just walked half of the campus, and it’s a pretty nice day, i thought about walking all of it just for fun, so I could think about things, but I ended up deciding against it. I’m not wearing a watch, and could be seriously late to class.

I woke up this morning and decided to not eat. not necessarily in a manner of fasting, but a “I’m just too dang nervous to eat anything at all” type thing. Besides the fact that i can’t have milk for breakfast (lactose intolerant) and all we have to eat pretty much is breakfast cereal, I decided not to risk it.

Scott is going to meet Guts, Marco and Gert today. I’m sorta excited. Not sorta, I am excited. Scott means SO much to me, and my co-workers (I guess Gert is the only one who falls only into that catagory) are my friends. Scott said not to freak about it. But Guts calls me “Mistress Molesta Dawn” and I’m not even kidding. Scott thought it was funny. I have to agree, it’s my funniest name yet.

I feel like i’m bouncing around the topic i want to talk about– I’m afraid to talk about it. Sorta the “if you talk about your wishes they won’t come true” mentality i think. I don’t want to jinx it. I don’t want to build up all of these good feelings and just loose them because i’m too stupid to realize otherwise.

I forgot to talk to my parents about staying over at Mandarin’s house this weekend (full nickname Mandarin the Corruptor, she picked it, so there ya go) she’s one of Scott’s excellent friends (excellent is my word, all of his friends are his best friends. Which is a lot like me. All of my friends are my best friend) and she’s invited me to stay at her house after D&D this week. It’d be SO nice to do that, I just … hope I remember right that my parents said yes. *sighs* living with your parents who treat you like you’re still sixteen, is a drag. The uber drag. *makes notes to not be a drag when a parent of a teenager later in life*

I parked uber far away, Dax is gonna be so angry. Too bad! so sad! heh. we need the exercise, and plus, i didn’t want to stalk someone for their parking spot. (here I am dancing around the subject again)

I’m just making myself ill with worry. My mom keeps making plans and I say “Scott doesn’t have his answer, and I don’t want to assume yes.” *sighs* this is not the kind of thing you enter into lightly– but it feels so right. I’ve never been happier than when i’m with Scott…. and his friends all say that he’s happiest with me. what can I say besides Hearing that makes me giddy. (giddy is the word of the week i’m thinking) Nothing else has ever felt this right. I’m hoping God agrees. For two main reasons…. 1) I love Scott, and I want to be with him forever. 2) I don’t know the road back from here emotionally. If this weren’t to work out– I’m just not sure what i’d do. I’m not saying this is a “We’re going to do this or else I’ll kill myself” type thing. Heck no. It’s more of a “If this doesn’t work out, i’m not sure where i’d go from here.” type thing. I’d probably still quit Gamestop as I am planning to do. It’s become viciously apparent from going to the mall and my mom saying “Ohh look at these rings” while I shrugged her off…. (she’s been all for this since day one.) that the teeny pay check I pull in from GS won’t support any of my wedding aspirations. So I’m guessing I’m going to have to grow up, and throw Gamestop in the trash, like i’ve been assuming for a long time. :S But I remain there for the social aspect, that’s why i’m still there– why i put up with the stupid demands and the horribly low pay. (i’m the lowest paid worker at my store, I can almost guarantee) I might just go and be a waitress for a while. I’ll be one of the good ones too, the ones that don’t spit in your food. Heh. 😀

Anyway– I had better go. I have classes that I should TRY to focus on, but I’m telling you– my brains won’t be there. I’ll be thinking of Scott… and praying, the entire time.

Dn Angel: A Graceful Evening

even peaceful time and the sorrows of a small heart

appeared to be shining very beautifully

the wind blows against the silent you

that’s just so pleasant I sing a little song

when you stare at me, I can’t really breathe

hey… please don’t laugh

peaceful time passes away silently

I didn’t notice it but spring has come

soon everything will reach the sky

just swaying swaying swaying and floating there

you can stand in the wind, flowing far away in the stream

lets quietly disappear so that no one can interfere

quietly…

peaceful time passes away silently

I didn’t notice it but spring has come

even the tiny world in our tiny hands

are glittering, shining as if we’re inside a dream

as if we’re inside a dream

as if we’re inside a dream

Derringer Meryl [Jpop Queen] Out

If you just joined us, as in you didn’t read my three entries for saturday– I suggest you do so– 🙂 Just for the sake of how funny I think I am, and the entries are. Heh. Anyway. Tonight, D&D.

I didn’t do much. Scott’s friends (as they so are called because I can’t say I know them well enough to create them aliases) picked me up because he had to work really late at work. (really late reads: Nine or so) and they had a hard time finding my house. Shock of a lifetime. Not really. I should make my own instructions on how to get here. If I had been thinking, I would have. Shame on me. Oh well, at least I have the fact that I’m worrying about Essays and Chapters to be read and make up homework, that’s what i’m working on. It would have been nice to get them some better instructions, but alas, there is no use sighing over the past.

I was still pretty quiet this time. IMO anyway, I still blended some, but I have to say, i’m still feeling like a bit of an outsider. Scott and I showed them some Legendary Frog Stuff, and Eight Bit Theater D&D which they seemed to enjoy. 🙂 That was nice. I didn’t eat again. I think I have some sort of phobia about eating in front of a large group of people. I don’t know. I think it shows how comfortable I was with Scott on our first date, because I did eat on our date. *nods* I think it’s because when I’m nervous, I feel queasy (my stomach is my ‘weak link’) and so when i feel queasy, I don’t want to eat. In the long and short of it– It must just be some sort of neuroses.

I have to admit, with no offense to Scott’s Friends who drove me down, (i really appreciate it!) I enjoyed the ride back up, simply because while there was music, we could still talk to one another. I think I’ve fallen into this happy place where I like to talk (as well as listen) and it’s the place where I used to be. Before I entered the uncertainty of adolescence I was a real social butterfly. I loved to talk to people, and i knew everyone’s names. I still considered myself shy, but I really wasn’t. I wasn’t the bravest little toaster, but I was something between shy and outgoing. I moved out of state, and then back in, and adolescence hit and every conversation I tended to join had the razor sharp reply of “Who Invited You to this conversation?”

Anyway, I digress.

I’m really enjoying conversing. I get in the mood to talk, and strangely the mood to listen follows it. I’m just… so excited. I love hearing Scott’s stories about his mission and his crazy antics with his best friend. I love learning about him.

He asked me to go to his Singles Ward with him. And I really Really REALLY wanted to. So I said sure, and then I remembered that last week I had accepted the calling to help in the Primary. *sighs* So not this week. I thought about asking him to come to my ward, but he also has things to do down there. He takes a co-worker (I think, right?) to his Singles Ward with him. I figure it’s a good thing, and I really don’t want to deprive the guy of his very handsome Church going partner. It’d be selfish of me. So instead I get to go and handle the Sunbeams, and probably eat my words about being patient with kids.

Cause I’m more of the …. Relief Society Teacher type. I’m not very verbose, I’m sure the kids can understand me, but I’m not sure I can handle not having attention paid to me when I speak… *yawns* though I seemed to handle it well enough when none of the Relief Society Ladies seemed to acknowledge that I was speaking. They weren’t so good about making eye contact.

I’m still really nervous about tomorrow. For various reasons. A few things looming over my head. And the incessant fear of how i look when I eat. Maybe Spaghetti wasn’t the best choice for dinner. heh. I’m a noodle slurper. Comes from two years of Ramen Consumption.

Anyway. I need to sleep. Though I’d like to mention that my mom was in the room when we said goodnight. So sadly, I lacked a kiss. 🙁 I understand and all. Mom told me she wished that she had waited for me in the basement– I agreed. *blushes wildly* >_< Alright I better go to sleep before my eyes fall out of my head. Goodnight all you beautiful peoples you 😉

Derringer Meryl [When you smile I melt inside] Out

I love to watch my counter steadily go up because of my entertainment value. It’s really quite interesting. 🙂 That’s why I love you guys.

Anyway, I came back from my shopping trip with:

A new black (very swanky) t-shirt, Two new pair of earrings (i haven’t bought earrings since I was fourteen), A very snazzy set of dice, a drink for my mom and I, and a slip (cause I can’t find mine)

I’ve decided on wearing a skirt I already own (which is pretty amazing since i found a pink skirt I fell in love with, but decided against buying for the sheer price of it.) Mom thought it was funny that I spent two hours in a shopping mall and came out with a plain black t-shirt and earrings. I corrected her by saying that the shirt was pretty spiffy, and not bad at all. *nods*

I went and Talked to J-bob for a minute after I got my dice, did I mention they are the coolest dice ever?? And I told him everyone at the store has all the sudden gone “Lets go drinking” crazy. Cept Gert, and recently Guts. The thing is, Guts is pretty dang cool. He knows what i mean when I say that I don’t have to drink to know it isn’t that much fun. Mom said she could bartend for them, mix em up some drinks, charge $300 for the one drink, and they could have the same experience as being drunk, with one drink. Mom’s not an alcohol enthusiast, she planned on giving them some of this Fleet stuff, and it literally is designed to clean you out. *nods* She figured she could make a tidy sum off of charging them a ton of money to go and get ten dollars worth of that stuff. Trust me, it’d make you never want to drink anything my mom gave you again. *shakes her head* Yep, i’d have to say it’s the extereme drinking experience.

Anyway. I took a long nap this afternoon. I think I’ve been this odd kind of testy lately. Extremely defensive of my good mood. (Grood Mood. I mean Good, and great. Great and good.) So anything that could possibly set me off in a bad mood, makes me angry really fast, and then I’m back. It’s like being the hulk or something. Today at the mall some girls (teens, psh) were making rude noises at my mom and i. Normally I’d write it off to adolescence and how hard it must be to be a girl now a days (I know, but really.) and somehow demeaning other people gave those girls a boost. Well, I wasn’t about to let their boost set my boost down lower. Normally I’m really passive, but I went to tell Customer service. I’m in with the Security at the mall (I used to work there.. heh.) So I told them, and the girls got kicked out.

Now, you could look at it as mean, but I’m not really tolerating anyone who is raining on my bloody nice parade. I’ve been extremely nice to people who rang me up today, even if they were pretty ditzy, and Just really– Nice. Those girls made me want to maim them…. making dog barking noises at me and my mom. It may make me a tattle tail, but life is hard enough without having stupid teenage girls sit (not do anything productive) just sit at the mall and make fun of passing people. The world doesn’t really need that. I mean, if you’re gonna hang out at the mall. Play tag, try on clothes, play a board game, play hide and go seek. I don’t care. Just don’t rain on my parade.

*sighs* now i’ve made enough of a deal about that… I should probably get to work on my essay, and what not. 🙂

Derringer Meryl [Homework… is the devil] Out

I just got back from 50 first dates. Great movie, not ranking up with Wedding Singer, but still pretty good. I’m thinking it was the company more than anything. He got me popcorn and a drink, and honestly, I’m one of those people where it’s the small things that count, because i miss them so much. I’ve never been on a date to the movies before where the guy pays for me, and buys me popcorn and a drink. I’m really not that hard to please. *smiles* It also makes me happy that I’m going to go play D&D again this week. He’s even going to the trouble to have his friends come and get me. *smiles*

Once again. The small things impress me the most. Did I mention he stopped to get me a rose from Walmart? *blushes* Flowers from guys in the past limited to required prom exchanges. And one bouquet of roses and daisies that i got from a guy I never met because he stood me up on our first date. (his Mom told him no.)

If you’re a regular reader of my blog (and possibly my writing journal) then you know i’m kinda delusional sometimes (see Ally McBeal, that kind of delusional) where I stop and think that people are actually caring enough to do something as nice as get me flowers. I was really touched.

And i love to hear stories about his friends. About their death defying trips around his town. And I love how he’s not … how he isn’t deterred by the fact that i’m quiet. (Except of course when it comes to Sean Astin, how could I be quiet?) I love how his smile is kinda crooked, it’s so adorable. I love how I can’t stop grinning when I’m thinking about him. I love how his friends make me feel included. I don’t think i’ve felt this right ever in my entire life.

And that’s the scary part. I’m afraid. I’ve never fit in anywhere. I’ve always felt like the little girl playing with the big kids– until now.

Mostly I love how when he hugs me …. i feel like nothing in the world could go wrong.

Oh, and as a quick ps, He kissed me. 🙂 and I liked it.

Derringer Meryl [Back and Forth] Out