Undone

I need this like a hole in the head. Isn’t this great? Isn’t the screaming, and the impending doom wonderful? Isn’t the fact that my $100 dollar piece of machinery on the shag carpeting sucking in dust and stray particles. And it’s mine. I just want to make this day end. I want to make this “vacation” end. I want to escape. This is some kind of torture. IT’s for my sins. It’s for the fact that i considered moving in with a guy. it’s because I cuss daily (a bad habit) it’s because I’m bad. It’s because i’m dirty. I’m broken….

I don’t have time for this. I dont’ have time to have important things of mine broken. I don’t appreciate it. I don’t appreciate any of this. I bought something JUST so the gamecube wouldn’t be on the floor. It’s like everything and anything. That system is one of the first things I bought with my large paychecks (one of the few large paychecks.

I feel like i’m playing a game of “I hurt but i can’t tell you why” and I want to. Oh I do. I want everyone to know. I want to make it stop. I want to make the pain stop, and I want to make it go away. I can’t. I can’t because it would hurt someone else in the process. I can’t help caring. I’m supposed to. I’m supposed to put people before myself. That’s what I’ve been taught. That’s why I’m in hell. Silently.

Derringer Meryl [Hating Everything] Out

if it were possible to have one person hate every aspect of you, even to the deep and hidden things, that would be my sister-in-law.

I hate to say it, but i feel that she does. Video games are my pride and joy, besides the fact that they’re my job too. She hates those to pieces….

i don’t know what it is exactly, but I get the vibe. Maybe it’s stress, and it’s just oozing out … I don’t know. I still get the “I hate you” vibe all the same.

Derringer Meryl [confused] Out

Have you ever hurt someone unintentionally? I’m just curious as to if any of my readers are as stupid as me. I remember talking to the Specialist regarding breaking up with someone. He mentioned that he’s never had to do it. I count him a lucky one. I’m tired of doing it. And for some reason, it’s not like a bone. It’s never a clean break. People fool themselves with the “we can just be friends” sh…. stuff. It’s crap. This guy pointed out to me “It would be awkward and uneasy. I don’t want that with you.” and I guess he’s right. So I told him he didn’t have to talk to me anymore if he didn’t want to. So he stopped. And I guess i got what i asked for…. in a way.

But he still seems like he’s trying. Trying to win me over. I don’t know how to tell him that i’m not okay with being loved right now. Or liked, or being affectionate. I don’t know how to say it. I don’t know how to express the fact that i’m not okay with myself yet. Blah, it’s hard to explain.

and i’m tired. and sick, and stressed so much my brains have leaked out my ears…. and i get bloody noses when i sneeze. I don’t get that

Derringer Meryl [Bloody Meryl] Out

2004-01-18 – 11:24 p.m.

Yessir I mean it. I have 563 points of stress. Three hundred is the bar of “If you’re over this, you’re going to die very quickly, and i pity you.” type of thing.

That’s okay, i’m not scared of dying so much as i am afraid of living. I see death as a means to an end. Everyone pictures heaven as a place that’s all happy and bunnies and what not, but I don’t. That sorta got shattered. It’s still happy, but it’s not free of pain. I guess that’s what comes from being all sorts of Masochistic. Maybe. I don’t know.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately. About Me, about Monkey, and about an unnamed person. I don’t think i’m going to give him a name. I’d like to say he’s of no consequence, but honestly, I’ve learned you don’t know what it’s like until you walk a mile in someone elses shoes. As it goes for Monkey, i’ve walked about two feet, and i want out. All the rolls have flip flopped, and now i’m him, and the unnamed guy is me– and i have to use a line the ever so useful “I just want to be friends” line that I loathe so much. And i understand Monkey’s unease of using it. How much it scared him and how much he hated to use it because it sorta did hurt. I cried. I did. I can admit it now. He meant/means a lot to me. I associated the line with the subtexts of “I never want to see you again you annoying bitca.” I understand now that what i felt wasn’t a romantic type thing, i was (I sorta still am) just addicted to how i felt around him. There was no pressure. None. Not to be a good girl,or a bad girl, or to kiss him or to get the best grades, or to do all my homework before i went out. Monkey time was a stress free zone, and i craved that. I still do. I just deny myself the pleasure. (I honestly don’t deserve the freedom) I’m trying to be careful with how i say things…. about him, because it’s hard to be candidly honest and have what you’re saying come out in the way you mean it to.

It was like being everyone and no one at the same time. and i have to admit i’ve never felt so beautiful or ugly as i did at those times. Everything seemed so confusingly clear. But Monkey didn’t feel… he didn’t get the rush I did when I was with him. I honestly can’t speak for him, so I won’t, but in any case, he just wanted to be friends.

For a while i wasn’t okay with that. I was stupid and i was childish. (I still am occasionally) I pushed a lot of blame on him, and he took it, and now i hate myself for that. Because he’s the last person on the earth who deserves it. he’s not perfect, he’s not innocent, But dammit, he’s the nicest person i’ve ever had the pleasure of spending time with. I couldn’t be more sorry for the things i’ve done if i tried. Most times i feel like a schmuck. I did stupid things. I still do them. a lot of the time.

and then after a period of healing — it wasn’t long enough apparently — i started to date again. I guess you could call it dating. I’m not sure. I’m not sure of a lot of things….. I found a great guy. The unnamed guy. He was sweet and affectionate. Kind, generous, loving. Everything I wanted,but never got. I guess there’s a gap between what i want and what I need…. I need another no-stress zone like Monkey gave me. I want the affection, but to live– i need no-pressure.

He’s everything you want

He’s everything you need

He’s everything inside of you

That you wish you could be

He says all the right things

At exactly the right time

But he means nothing to you

And you don’t know why

You’re waiting for someone

To put you together

You’re waiting for someone to push you away

There’s always another wound to discover

There’s always something more you wish he’d say

But you’ll just sit tight

And watch it unwind

It’s only what you’re asking for

And you’ll be just fine

With all of your time

It’s only what you’re waiting for

Isn’t insane. The perfect guy comes walking along, and there’s always something in the way. and it’s me. Doesn’t it figure? Makes sense to me. That it’d be my fault. I’d give you the run down of how low and dirty and wrong i am, but i’m tired. I’m twitching very early tonight, I think it’s from the stress– and i just want to collapse.

Derringer Meryl [two boyfriends in the last 12 months] Out