Undone

I’m at Scott’s house. It’s interesting here. Oh, and it looks like after Scott and I are married, we’ll be living here for a while. I think that’s silly.

I can see through my hands….

Right. Um… sometimes I like to pay attention to the things I’m doing. Two of Scott’s siblings are sick. It’s quite interesting. 🙂 One of them is currently running around like a rabid puppy trying to bite Scott’s sister…. it’s an new experience. I never had any younger siblings, and my experiences with my brothers being rabid puppies are limited to Dax, and Dax alone. 🙂

Just kidding Dax. I love you man!

He’s more of a radio active rabid puppy dog. 😀

Scott and I got to spend some time with Red this past wednesday. I’d like to send out a great big thank you for her not telling any sort of horrible stories. And I’d like to thank God that the horrid pictures that Red once had of me, have either been burned, lost, or will shortly be going to Lafayette with her. 😀

We played a lot of games on Wednesday, and then we had Dinner with our parents (all together, one big dinner event!)

I got my invite list done for this. If you don’t get an invite, it’s because you just didn’t send me your address… and you suck butt.

Derringer Meryl [Scott’s Back!] Out

I’m beginning to like my stress management class more and more. All I’m doing is sleeping now days (Wahoo!) in class. It’s really nice. We’ve been doing these relaxation techniques, and I heard one today that I really liked. 🙂 it was short (about five minutes) and it really worked.

I slept through the other two relaxation techniques (mostly).

So while the stress is on for finals it feels like it does when you’re at the last two weeks in High school and no one wants to do anything because they’re exhausted from prepping for finals, and teachers don’t want to grade five hundred more papers, so they just cancel stuff. (I don’t mind, I just feel like i’m wasting my time) You have to go to class, because something important might happen– but you go and you wish you could have known ahead of time that you could have skipped and not missed a darn thing.

I’m so tired of going to pointless classes. Tired of doing this crappy in between here and there work. No one cares– so–

why am I here again?

I’d much rather be with Scott. This is getting infuriating. >:{

I’m beginning to feel less stressed about class though. (wahoo!) and I’m totally not worrying about the wedding so much. I don’t NEED to spaz, I have Scott helping me out (with choices and such) then my mom, and her sisters (my aunts) my wonderful sister-laws (Sukie and Antigone) are helping with a Bridal shower… and Antigone and her sister are helping with the flowers (maybe? I’m not quite sure, it’s okay either way) And Care Bear comes around and we hang out (I try to, sometimes i just suck and have to work or something) and she keeps me laughing. Seriously one of my greatest friends

The main thing here is– that i have a great support system, and i don’t need to worry about this all by myself.

Derringer Meryl [Gonna Go Check up on Red] Out

It occurs to me– (in all reality I was talking to Scott about this last night) that neither of our siblings (for the most part on my side, Dax’ll be there) will be able to attend our wedding.

Now, his sibs are all young and tender, and not endowed. So we’re both okay with that. Most of my siblings are… (Cept Wudan and Sukie) and I’m not writing about this to rag on anyone for their own personal choices. They do what’s good to them. *shrugs*

I just really always imagined everyone being there. The whole gang, ya know? I’m not gonna wait, or put off my date or anything for them, because it was their choice to not be able to come. I try not to make a big deal about no one being able to come, because I don’t want anyone to feel like I hate them for not being able to come. It doesn’t make me happy, but … It’s not about me. *shrugs* I’m a big enough girl to understand that Johnny Golucky doesn’t think “I better not do that, Cause Meryl might get upset.” I know it’s not about me. I mostly kept quiet on the topic because I don’t see my sibs a lot. Sometimes only once a month, sometimes less. I don’t want to ruin my one weekend (or whatever) I see my siblings by upsetting them.

Cause above all, I just want them to be happy.

I have a point. it’s simple. I love my sibs. I love them if they can’t come, and i wouldn’t love them any more if they could. My day would have just been extra special then. 🙂

Anyway. I have to work on homework. I have a ton and a half of it to do. 😛 I just thought i’d speak out on the subject. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately, with the wedding drawing closer and all.

Derringer Meryl [Hi-Ho Hi-Ho, it’s off to homework we go…] Out

It’s been a bit, hasn’t it? I’ll cover from saturday forward, because– well, that’s the day I remember Last.

I stayed up really late on friday, so waking up on Saturday was hard, but I did it. I did my best to get my homework done…. but i’m a pretty easily distracted person when it comes to homework stuffages. I got most of one of my assignments done, and touched on my essay (draft one due today, not done) i got called into work, I wasn’t exactly thrilled with that. I got home and Care Bear, Scott, and I went down to D&D.

Now, as a precursor to the following, I realize that this was all me. I’m pretty sensitive to moods and stuff, and I mean ….. well, really really sensitive, that’s what I mean. Anyway, i felt like the mojo was off. I asked Scott about it, and he said everything felt normal to him. I can’t quite place it. It seems like something was missing, or something. I was very distracted all night too. *blush* Scott was playing very well too. I’m just not good at all that tactical stuff yet. It’s the same as my basic attack in video games, i’m a hack and slash. I don’t know all the cool moves, and I might never know them…. I just do what seems effective. Anyway, the big deal to me was that it seemed like the mojo was off.

Then I went with Care Bear to her Dorm, and stayed the night there. It was the shortest goodnight ever for Scott and I’s record book. It felt weird. Accompanied by the thoughts of “I can’t wait until we don’t have to say good bye llke this!” Care Bear and I talked until really late (catching up…)

On Sunday Scott fell asleep after I woke him up to come get me. So, we got to listen to some of Conference in the car… 🙂 It was good. I enjoyed conference. Lots about the family. Lots focusing on the duties of married people. I found it to apply greatly to me. Nothing much of consequence happened. I made Scott take a nap, because he was freaky exhausted from the week of staying up late. I know how that is. I feel like I could sleep through everything. *sighs* But alas, I have homework out the wazoo. I got to hang out a lot with Scott’s sisters, which i thought was neat. I love hanging out with Scott’s friends and family. I find that I’m getting to be less Shy Meryl, and more Normal Meryl… which is nice. I don’t particularly like being shy, i just sorta get… well, would it be silly to say …. stage fright? Cause that’s as close as I can think. Everyone is watching you. Wants to know more about you, and I’m just sitting there thinking “What should I say, should I say anything?” and now, Happily, some of that stuff has gone away. Sitting at dinner with Scott’s family is just like sitting to dinner with mine.

Scott Drove me home, he inquired about my mellow mood, and I brought something up, I dont’ really like to bring up…. my exes. I hate talking about them– but I realize that they are part of who I am now. In a way. Each of them (well, okay, a few of them) have changed my life, and Scott should know that they had a role in that. I don’t particularly like to talk about them simply because if Scott ever feels the way I feel about his exes… well, then it’s not his favorite topic either. But I had a few epiphanies about my dating history, and I thought i should share it with him. Then Scott and I covered some pressing details– and then he left, feeling a whole lot better than when he came. 🙂 I’m glad.

Anyway. I have to head to school. Maybe i can cover emotional aspects of this (like do my normal “I feel this way about that.” stuff) later on. Basically, my hands are tied in homework, so maybe not.

Derringer Meryl [Hecktic Homework Rush] Out

I was discussing with Sukie how i have bad memory, which is one of the reasons I write in here, and how I forget when i’m angry at people. To be more specific, I remember i’m angry, I just usually dont’ remember why.

Then she said “Don’t you remember what [My oldest brother] did to you three years ago?”

I responded that he probably pissed me off.

Three years ago was the beginning of who I am now. *gleams* The girl gamer who loves anime, and listens to punk rock music. Oh yeah. *thinks* I wasn’t really big into gaming as a kid. I remember Excitebike (the only game i could win) and Final Fantasy (I never played as a kid, only watched) and vaguely metroid and the like. I never really played much. I watched occasionally. I really liked Legend of Zelda, I just wasn’t any good at most of them. I have (had?) bad hand eye coordination…. I love games though. I guess that’s where my oldest brother comes in. I had received a Xena fighting game and my own paddle for the N64. Now. I have four sibs, and including me that makes five people. We could rotate in and out of playing, or i could be bullied into not playing at all. I’m sure that my oldest brother meant it as some sort of gest, but he said I couldn’t play because I was a girl. Now considering at this point he had two kids and had been married Three or so years. this isn’t some punk kid who’s fourteen telling me that I can’t play, it’s my oldest brother.

*sighs* I suppose i have always been really serious about people saying “You can’t because you’re a girl” I hate that. I heard it all through growing up… “You can’t play with our toys, you’re a girl.” or “You can’t come hang out with us, you’re a girl.” Eventually it turned from just being a girl to being “Little Sister” which got annoying more so. I didn’t want to be thought of that way. I never thought my gender would exclude me from anything. It shouldn’t have. (this is what classifies me to my friends as a femminazi. I don’t think radically, just rationally) Well, I couldn’t play because I was a girl. I pitched a fit, I cried, and then I decided to kill two birds with one stone. My oldest brother always took the opportunity to call me lazy and spoiled too. He always said that i never did any work around the house. I took up mowing the lawn because of that. I got a job at, shock, a video game store. I knew enough. I wasn’t crazy whacko to know everything, in fact I found that no one wanted to listen to me anyway… sadly because I was a girl. But I got more involved. I knew what was coming out, i knew what was good, what sucked, and I knew it well. I listened a lot. I listened to Dax’s opinion, which is (was) right on the dot about games.

So I guess I was a bit of a poser. It’s not that I don’t love video games, I’m just no good at them. (With the exception of Final Fantasy and similar RPGS) I get too excited to play properly and win. But I’ve lost so much, I don’t even care anymore. When I play Halo (dastardly Xbox.) I try to be killed as much as possible. That’s my way of winning. Sure, it wouldn’t be very exciting if everyone played that way, understandably so, but I have so much fun. I cheer on the people who murder me.

No use in getting all upset over losing. Everyone does from time to time. 😉 I just get my fair share.

So maybe I could hate my oldest brother for being a male chauvinist pig, and for treating me like i’m five forever. I could be upset that he doesn’t really see me as a person but as a child (who I suppose is a tiny person, but still) and I dont’ do anything but whine and complain and cry– Next time I see him, I won’t act like that. I don’t really think I did this time.

I just ignored him. Stayed out of his way– and did my own thing.

Derringer Meryl [Who Makes You] Out