Undone

your heart won’t heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures

How true. I hate how i keep doing that. How it goes over and over again in my mind– how i messed it all up– God, i suppose the worst thing is not knowing, if i could have fixed this at all. If I could have had a happier experience, if i had just done one thing, instead of the other. If I hadn’t been so polite to let someone go first and demanded that i went first. What if…. what if…. what if. I’m the what if queen. I guess I spend too much of my time living in unresolved pasts, that don’t, and never will, exist. How sad. To waste your life away wondering what could have been, I hate myself for it. But i suppose that’s nothing new. I only love myself when someone tells me to…

And all this time i’ve been a liar, I always told myself I wasn’t J’s dolly, for him to fling around. For him to make a fool of, to laugh at, to hug then hurt, I told him that. That I wasn’t for him to hurt. I was lying then. I am a dolly. I’m someone you’re supposed to play with, toy with my little heart to see the reactions, then when you’re bored, throw me away for a new one… That’s the way it goes. And I try so hard to say “I am woman, hear me roar! I have power! I am a Person! You must listen to me!” What lies. I say them to myself, and no one else….

I stopped taking my medication after Graduation– probably because i was on such a natural high. I was involved, I was free of what was dragging me down, and i was free to do what I want. Free…. *laughs* Yeah. I guess i didn’t need pills. I was so happy. I had what I wanted, what i needed. I was so careless to let it slip through my fingers. What a Prat I am. *sighs*

Right, enough of that. I’m sure you’re very tired of hearing me whine, i’m fairly sure everyone is. That’s all i do anymore anyway. See?? There I go again.

I don’t fit in with my family, i don’t fit in with my co-workers, i don’t fit in anywhere. Blah. The world seems bleak. I need something that is bright and shiny to look at, so i can smile again.

I need to get out of this damned town, and away from all of the memories it holds.

Derringer Meryl [Trapped with no light] Out

I’m feelin’ a little down. I had a friend of mine over yesterday, and we hung out, and stuff, it was fun–

one of the things we did was reminisce– about Graduation Night. She was one of my special presents– she came over for My Graduation, special. She watched me graduate from way high up some place– and then we went out to rent a movie… with monkey.

I guess that’s where the pangs begin. That’s where the “I should have” feeling starts, and it just keeps going. I shouldn’t have been such a dumbass….. i should have been nicer, i should have let go faster, i should have …. been better, done better, smiled more, kept my insides to myself….

*whispers* i should have been better about Red liking him.

I still have issues about that. But I really need to let go. Monkey wasn’t mine, isn’t mine, won’t ever be mine. I should just push him out of my mind– but still I cling to the memories i have– maybe it’s because he’s the first guy to actually treat me decent. to be kind to me, and do things for me, without expecting some kind of action out of me later on that night. And maybe i screwed up so much because– because his honest kindness towards me confused me. Boys aren’t supposed to be nice — they’re supposed to be jackasses, so i can move on faster, so i can stop loving them, and feel okay. And maybe i could let go of him– if i was able to hate him for something. But i’m not. Sure, things that have happened hurt, but — i don’t blame him. I blame myself. I’m not what he wants, that’s not his deal, it’s not even a deal, it’s just a fact. So I can’t hate him for it… can’t hate him for not being attracted to me that way. It’s just a thing. A fact.

I let go of J-Bob so much faster, maybe it’s because i knew i never had a chance with J-Bob. I knew it wouldn’t work out. We were so different…. are so different– but i feel light headed still when i talk to him. *shakes her head*

I’m still in the high school frame of mind. Thinking that ‘liking’ a guy is enough to make a lasting relationship on. Not common interests, or anything like that.

Which reminds me, my friend Lynn (who was the friend i was reminiscing with) has common interests with Gert. Maybe I’ll see what i can do with that….

And I bet you’re wonderign why i’m setting up my friends with guys I like. Well. I’ve come to the decision, no one would be happy with me anyway, so i’ll pair friends with friends, and see what happens…. I”m no Miss Match, but whatever. 🙂

Derringer Meryl [Got Gadittude?] Out

going slightly insane. I can smell his cologne on me. …. and i hate myself. Every part of me, everything that makes me me.

i got the job. I got it by being fake. I hate it. I hate the job. I hate myself. I hate what i do to people.

I hate feeling this way. I wish i just knew. Knew how to act around him, how to live and breathe, without hurting someone. I wish– I wish I’d just stop. stop seeing, stop feeling, stop being all together. I dont’ want to die… I just want to cease to exist.

That’s alright, right?

I want to be forward. I want to be right. I want to know what it is i feel when i feel it… and then once i knew, i would make it go away.

It feels like i’m making my own life crumble on purpose with this new job. Like i’m kicking the last solid thing i have in my life out from underneath me. My friends leave for college, my friends get married (and engaged and what not), and my family seems… distant, like i’m not really here… and they all grow closer together, while i’m on the outside.

I won’t even touch the monkey situation, since i have no clue where it is. I hurt inside when i think about it though. I’ve done some damn shitty things, and he forgives me like it’s nothing.

I’d just like to stop existing now, thanks.

Derringer Meryl [periodic crying bouts] Out

Yeah, I went in and talked to the guy formally known as “HIM” (well he isn’t anymore because, he just doesn’t seem to make me feel the way he did once…. or maybe it’s because I’ve decided that i wasn’t happy torturing myself because I couldn’t have “HIM”, in any case, he’s just J-Bob now.) He’s still the same cutie he always was. But despite how cute and warm and fuzzy he makes me feel–

i’ve always been more of a one man woman…. I think that’s how I’m supposed to say it. I do miss talking J-bob on tuesdays while we worked. He was always SO nice to me. Kept me sorta… evened out.

*smirks* He loves kids and has these little dimples… and…

Nevermind.

People say absence makes the heart grow fonder– i think it just makes the heart grow more bitter. Like me? yeah. I spend time away from people I enjoy, and I get …. i was going to say angry– but my therapist says Anger is a secondary emotion and that you feel something before anger …. always.

i feel… sad. I miss people. some people make me feel happy.

some people like monkey. and then they don’t ever hang out unless red is around, and then I miss them… *shifty eyes* Right. This is a time where me not talking should happen.

Derringer Meryl [zipping it] Out

Right then– here I go, If you don’t like to read about any religion (if it isn’t yours or at all) I suggest you scoot. I’m having Religious dilemmas.

I love my church, God, Jesus, the whole bit. I’d write out a testimony, but that isn’t what this post is about. It’s about me… and despite the fact i’ve tried so hard to scrape every single memory of him from my brain…. HIM. I’m sure you remember. Blah. In any case, I’ve fallen again, and hard. Mostly due to my legal-ness now. It’s so hard for me to understand. I get that God wants all of his children to be happy (right, makes sense) and for me, being married will make me happy. And despite how obsessed and disgustingly sick this makes me, as far as i know right now, at this moment, I would not mind being married to HIM.

He’s not my same religion. My heart chose. and I hate it. I hate the fact that my heart is leading me someplace that I would love to go, but can’t. It’s like, there are two things that would make me happy (okay, makes sense) but they contradict each other.

Take my sadist obsession…. or being a massochist— strictly in contradiction to what I feel about the gospel. (BTW If you didn’t already know, I’m LDS…. dont’ think ill of them… Some of them are very happy people, and simply wish to extend that happiness to you. *shrugs*)

Anyway– I’m like the living contradiction girl. I love people, I think people are facinating, but I have social anxiety, I want to have a husband, but I’m afraid to date…..

I love a Catholic Boy, despite the fact that I’m LDS and can’t marry him the way I want to.

I dont’ even know what i’m talking about. I don’t even know if I want to marry him at all. But he takes my breath away and makes me feel real. Like the life i’m living isn’t just some day dream that is inside of someone’s head…. Real. Me.

It’s something new to me. I can feel every aspect of emotion– pain, love, it’s vibrant and glorious…

and i want it. I guess that’s why I want HIM so bad. Because he makes me alive inside.

I’m not sure if that’s romantic or really really scary. REALLY

Derringer Meryl [Living Again?] Out