Undone

Have you ever felt SO amazingly wonderful and so extremely bad at the same time?

I could start this out by saying there are voices that I hear… but then I’d sound whacko, and I don’t really hear voices, It’s more like an evil conscience rattling about in my brain. Now, the little bugger isn’t trying to make me DO anything but feel horrid about myself. after the glowing remarks Scott gave to yesterday, and how my only fault seems to be my fear of eating in groups…. makes me feel like I’m lying to him. I mean, I’m certainly not evil. At least not the last time i checked. And i like to think I’m pretty wonderful…. Bah. I don’t know. I know that sometimes I just feel like a great big liar.

But something else i know is that i’m really genuine with Scott. Which is an odd thing. I’m not really that genuine with anyone. The list is small. Including only my most exclusive friends. Everyone else gets this big act. (My brain right now is screaming at me that this concept makes me a liar) I’m usually one of those people who changes themselves to fit the situation. I’ve pretty much learned that way everyone will like you.

I feel like I should say something right here right now. To expose myself, just a little. I have this horrible habit of cussing. You can see it in my writing sometimes– but if i get around the right group of people, I sound like an eighteenth century British sailor. That’s one of the many reasons why i’m leery about taking Scott to meet my coworkers. We all sound like sailors. It’s really not fitting for a girl. The thing is, in my previous romantic relationships, everyone expected me to give it up, because they said so. Like it was just what girls did. Stopped swearing because their boyfriends didn’t like it. I guess in the past I didn’t like them enough to care. My dirty little habit seemed more stable than their passing fancy for me. I didn’t want to give it up. It felt like “In a month you’ll be gone, and I’ll be back hanging out with the crew at work.” I guess I just feel differently with Scott. Like first off, he doesn’t know i cuss (until now), so he’s not demanding that i change. And… I think…. There’s a change in my brain. There’s a difference between someone saying “You have to change, now.” and the “I’d like you to change, if you could.” atittude. The second one is more…. open.

I want to change. I’ve been so much better about not cussing, even when I’m at work, and Scott’s no where to be seen. i think because now, if someone asked me “Why are you quitting swearing?” I wont’ say: “Because my boyfriend wants me to.” I can say “Because I dont’ want to do it anymore.” and mean it. I don’t want to do it anymore. *shrugs*

Derringer Meryl [Confessional] Out

Ohum, wow. Can I say wow? I had a spectacular time. We played games and watched movies, and it was great. *is speachless* I’m sorry, I’m just… Wow. It was a great day. We watched Star Wars Episode Two, and mocked the bad choice of Anakin, and the ever so stupidly written love themes (They seemed really forced to me.) and then we watched Orange County. Which i didn’t expect to be that good, but it was. (BTW, if my typing is off, it’s because my eyes are super sensitive to the light right now because of my contacts, and i’m trying to avoid looking at the screen.) The movies were great, But i really enjoyed holding Scott’s hand, and leaning on his shoulder. Being cuddly is possibly my most favorite thing ever. 🙂 I think I like it best when i’m cuddly with Scott. :”) I looked at our hands tonight, just sorta watched them at a moment that was rather dull during the movie (probably an Anakin moment) and thought to myself– I wouldn’t mind doing this forever. (Shuts up at the risk of freaking ‘people’ out)

Scott’s siblings were funny, and a joy to talk to. Of course they had to drag out the Pictures of him in school and what not. I thought they were cute, but the sibs claimed them “dorky” I guess i’m just into the geek chic thing. 🙂 it was fun to see Scott interact with them. 😉 Much nicer to them than my oldest brother was to me.

I felt sorta bad, i didn’t eat all of my cake. But then again, I do have that little quirky thing about not liking to eat in front of people. I think I did pretty well other than that. It was really nice to get to know Scott’s family. Put faces and personalities to the names. *nods*

On the ride home Scott said I had an amazing laugh. I appreciate that. I’m pretty insecure about my laugh. I feel like i laugh too loud sometimes. Usually resulting in extreme embarrassment, to either myself or the people with me. I try to keep it down, but what can I say? I love to laugh.

Anyway, I have school tomorrow. I still have to finish up some of it, so I better skedaddle off to bed so i can get up and finish it 🙂

Oh yeah, and If you want to know what the Title and catch line are about go here 😀 Smile, It’s one of my favorite songs. I have the single in Japanese.

Derringer Meryl [But I have an idea! I won’t give up whatever happens] Out

When I chose my ever so lovely outfit for today, I thought to myself “Look at the snow! It’s melting. I’m so excited. I can wear my sandles and not freeze!” I giddily picked my outfit out around this prospect, my skirt is spring-y and light.

We got hit with a snow storm. Now, With my spring-y and light skirt, i will be wearing combat boots. Stylish, and keep the snow out. *frowns* I hate snow. It’s conspiring against me to make me do stupid things today. *kicks the snow without shoes on* COLD! Ahhhhhhhh!

Right. So I”ll be looking like a dork, Royally, with my boots. Which I now officially hate. *mutters*

Derringer Meryl [mumbles] Out

If you just joined us, as in you didn’t read my three entries for saturday– I suggest you do so– 🙂 Just for the sake of how funny I think I am, and the entries are. Heh. Anyway. Tonight, D&D.

I didn’t do much. Scott’s friends (as they so are called because I can’t say I know them well enough to create them aliases) picked me up because he had to work really late at work. (really late reads: Nine or so) and they had a hard time finding my house. Shock of a lifetime. Not really. I should make my own instructions on how to get here. If I had been thinking, I would have. Shame on me. Oh well, at least I have the fact that I’m worrying about Essays and Chapters to be read and make up homework, that’s what i’m working on. It would have been nice to get them some better instructions, but alas, there is no use sighing over the past.

I was still pretty quiet this time. IMO anyway, I still blended some, but I have to say, i’m still feeling like a bit of an outsider. Scott and I showed them some Legendary Frog Stuff, and Eight Bit Theater D&D which they seemed to enjoy. 🙂 That was nice. I didn’t eat again. I think I have some sort of phobia about eating in front of a large group of people. I don’t know. I think it shows how comfortable I was with Scott on our first date, because I did eat on our date. *nods* I think it’s because when I’m nervous, I feel queasy (my stomach is my ‘weak link’) and so when i feel queasy, I don’t want to eat. In the long and short of it– It must just be some sort of neuroses.

I have to admit, with no offense to Scott’s Friends who drove me down, (i really appreciate it!) I enjoyed the ride back up, simply because while there was music, we could still talk to one another. I think I’ve fallen into this happy place where I like to talk (as well as listen) and it’s the place where I used to be. Before I entered the uncertainty of adolescence I was a real social butterfly. I loved to talk to people, and i knew everyone’s names. I still considered myself shy, but I really wasn’t. I wasn’t the bravest little toaster, but I was something between shy and outgoing. I moved out of state, and then back in, and adolescence hit and every conversation I tended to join had the razor sharp reply of “Who Invited You to this conversation?”

Anyway, I digress.

I’m really enjoying conversing. I get in the mood to talk, and strangely the mood to listen follows it. I’m just… so excited. I love hearing Scott’s stories about his mission and his crazy antics with his best friend. I love learning about him.

He asked me to go to his Singles Ward with him. And I really Really REALLY wanted to. So I said sure, and then I remembered that last week I had accepted the calling to help in the Primary. *sighs* So not this week. I thought about asking him to come to my ward, but he also has things to do down there. He takes a co-worker (I think, right?) to his Singles Ward with him. I figure it’s a good thing, and I really don’t want to deprive the guy of his very handsome Church going partner. It’d be selfish of me. So instead I get to go and handle the Sunbeams, and probably eat my words about being patient with kids.

Cause I’m more of the …. Relief Society Teacher type. I’m not very verbose, I’m sure the kids can understand me, but I’m not sure I can handle not having attention paid to me when I speak… *yawns* though I seemed to handle it well enough when none of the Relief Society Ladies seemed to acknowledge that I was speaking. They weren’t so good about making eye contact.

I’m still really nervous about tomorrow. For various reasons. A few things looming over my head. And the incessant fear of how i look when I eat. Maybe Spaghetti wasn’t the best choice for dinner. heh. I’m a noodle slurper. Comes from two years of Ramen Consumption.

Anyway. I need to sleep. Though I’d like to mention that my mom was in the room when we said goodnight. So sadly, I lacked a kiss. 🙁 I understand and all. Mom told me she wished that she had waited for me in the basement– I agreed. *blushes wildly* >_< Alright I better go to sleep before my eyes fall out of my head. Goodnight all you beautiful peoples you 😉

Derringer Meryl [When you smile I melt inside] Out

I didn’t like my last Lyric Spew. Psh. It was stupid. *tosses it out the window* I like this one better. I’m going to do something different this time. The Stuff in italics is my response, as if someone had just said that line to me… *smiles* I won’t do it on all the lines. heh. I was reading through Scott’s Journal and he mentioned this song, so i thought i’d spew it. Just for fun.

First Date, Blink182

In the car I just can’t wait,

to pick you up on our very first date

Is it cool if I hold your hand? Yeah, it is. Go For it. 🙂

Is it wrong if I think it’s lame to dance? No, not really, do you think it’s lame TO dance?

Do you like my stupid hair? I love your stupid hair

Would you guess that I didn’t know what to wear? Never. You look really well put together

I’m too scared of what you think Me too!

You make me nervous so I really can’t eat That’s Scary

Let’s go, don’t wait, this night’s almost over

Honest, let’s make this night last forever

Forever and ever, let’s make this last forever

Forever and ever, let’s make this last forever

When you smile, I melt inside I’m a puddle at your feet

I’m not worthy for a minute of your time I’m thinking the same about you, trust me

I really wish it was only me and you Lets ditch em! Just kidding!

I’m jealous of everybody in the room They know you so well!

Please don’t look at me with those eyes What? These?

Please don’t hint that you’re capable of lies I’m not to you.

I dread the thought of our very first kiss A sort of anxious anticipation. I’ve been worrying too

A target that I’m probably gonna miss Don’t worry, things’ll work out. 🙂

Let’s go, don’t wait, this night’s almost over

Honest, let’s make this night last forever

Forever and ever, let’s make this last forever

Forever and ever, let’s make this last forever

Let’s go, don’t wait, this night’s almost over

Honest, let’s make, this night last forever

Forever and ever, let’s make this last forever

Forever and ever, let’s make this last forever

Forever and ever, let’s make this last forever

Forever and ever, let’s make this last forever

Derringer Meryl [Gank!] Out