Undone

Scott was pretty tired, and didn’t get to write an entry into his journal. That just means I get to first. 😀 Ha ha ha!

We went to The Pie last night for Artemis’ birthday party. We got there first, because we’re apparently more prompt than the very people who were hosting the party. *shrugs* it’s not uncommon. Anyway. Everyone got there in a lump sum, pretty much. Artemis with Dateless (I really should change his name…) Guts, Monkey, and a few other people from work that don’t have nicknames on here, because they work at other stores. anyway. They stood in line and ordered while all of us sat and chatted. The first eventful thing of the night was Monkey screaming “YOUR FIANCE IS WIRED!” and like five tables turning to look at us. I’m sure they all needed to worry, since half of them looked like frat boys out with the local sorority. *rolls her eyes* After Monkey got done screaming, we both explained (to either end of the table) that Scott has Diabetes, and it was his insulin pump. I’m sure if Monkey had been paying attention, he would have been embarrassed. Monkey and Guts both ate wax on a dare (from me, heh heh) I gave Artemis the gift of Pocky. (happies!) I met a few new people, but I couldn’t tell you their name if you asked. it was around ten when Gert got there, and I introduced Scott. We can both attest to the hilarity of his look when I said “This is my fiance, Scott.” I seriously wish I had taped it, so I could play it back for you. It was great. *nods* He said congratulations to us, which I was really appreciative of. I told him thank you, and that no one else was really very fond of the idea. (Which If you read the previous entry, I don’t really care about. THP)

Guts came and sat by us for a second, and I asked him to punch Monkey in the side, which he did for me because I’m like his little sister, and he just loves me that much, i know. 😀 I’d never abuse my powers. We went back to my house to watch the end of School of Rock, and talk to my sibs. Scott got to meet Wudan and Sukie (as their nicknames online are) for the first time. Basically we hung out. I have to say, it was a VERY fun night, with the smiling and the cuddling and the hand holding. 🙂

I just need to get a few things done, and I can stay at Mandarin’s house tonight… I hope. 😉 BTW, any one can comment, you don’t have to sign up for anything or sell your soul or anything…. I just like to hear your feed back, k? Not a big deal. 🙂

Derringer Meryl [Need to Get Ready] Out

More scandal and drama they chant.

Alright. I went to work last night (gasp horror) I know everyone at work’s POV on marriage, because we talk about everything together. I thought, in my pre-telling rundown, that Artemis would wig uberly, The Mouth would shrug it off, and that would be that. (I knew I was working with these people, so ya know, I only had expectations for them)

It was a complete fiasco. I told the Mouth first. Hoping that it’d go over well. His eyes got all big and round in his head and he got loud. “You’re what?” and what not, and how long have you even known him, blah blah blah. That’s when Artemis wanted to know what was going on. I had planned not to tell her until later in the night…. so much for that. She didn’t care, shockingly, and simply said to me “No one is gonna know if it’s right but you.” Which i figure is as close to a “Congratulations” from her I’m gonna get. At this point the Mouth is text messaging Guts, who doesn’t believe it. Of course he calls later to talk to Artemis and i tell him then… in the funniest way possible.

Me: “Hey Guts, wanna talk to Artemis?”

“No. Did we traumatize your boyfriend last night?”

I hesitate. “Actually he isn’t my boyfriend anymore.”

“What? Do i need to bust some kneecaps?”

Me: “He’s my fiance.”

“OMG! Really? I think i’m gonna cry!”

*nods* He probably would have busted Scott’s kneecaps If I’d just told him to… *blinks* but I certainly don’t want that. That would make me really upset… Now, he could bust The Mouth’s kneecaps… Okay okay, i’m just kidding.

I also told some of them that I wouldn’t be staying around much longer. Now I admit, I love working at the GS. Its’ great. I love it. But it pays for nothing. not even a video game, brand new, with each pay period. That’s how crappy my pay is. So after finals I’m getting a new job (That’s roughly eight weeks from now.) and Hopefully I can save up to buy things. (Ring, Shoes, Cake… etc)

after the fiasco at work (i’m leaving some of the uneventful tellings out. They’re interesting, but not drama) I came home and got into my pj’s at record speed, and ran downstairs to my computer. 🙂 All night I was pretty much staring at the clock, saying “I just want to go home.” It was stuck in a pretty negative environment last night. Made me really wish that Scott was closer, so I could get hugs and glomps from him 😉 (Glomp: To tackle from the back in an embrace. Usually performed by girls. Looks like cross between a hug and a piggy back ride.) I really miss him, and i’m grateful that I get to see him tonight… I’m sorta scared to tell everyone else, so maybe I’ll tell them right before I leave. I guess it’s because i dont’ deal well with confrontation and despite being in debate when very loud voices are involved i usually forget my arguments.

I just don’t want to hear them demean what I know to be right. (Why I don’t talk about the gospel at work) It doesn’t matter if they don’t believe that I can know that I love Scott already. Because I do. More than anything. It doesn’t matter if they disapprove, because they were only invited to the reception anyway. (Nah nah nah nah nah!) I love Scott, and he loves me, and that’s all that really matters. That we know that this is right. That God says it’s right. That’s all that matters to me.

Derringer Meryl [To heck with the disapprovers] Out

Since Scott’s been screaming about it, I should at least blog about it. 🙂 My Claddaugh ring has been flipped (for you Buffy Fans who know what that means) and Scott and I are getting married. 🙂

I was really nervous yesterday (as you can read in my blog about it.) I was also really busy. I wanted to go to the temple and hang out while he was at the other temple thinking and praying about it. I couldn’t because of my classes, and I was stuck on campus while he was in the temple. I went as close as I could to get the spirit though, I went to the institute building. (I had also forgotten to read my scriptures yesterday, so i hit two birds with one stone!) While I was hanging out, I was thinking about things I had learned in my Stress Management class, where we had just so happened to be talking about the power of prayer (I love College, so much better than high School. We can talk about religion!) and how people who were prayed for, and didn’t know it, got healthier faster after surgery.

I’m digressing, yet again.

My teacher said something profound. “Fear is the opposite of faith. If you’re afraid of something you have no faith in it. You can’t live in both places.” So i sat down with my BoM and I was reading and just trying to not plead with God that Scott would get the same answer as me. I finally figured it out though. I had to put my faith in God’s will. Whether it was to be Scott or not, everything would work out okay, just as long as I had faith. it was pretty much all that was in my brain yesterday after I figured that out. 🙂

I also got smacked about the head for continually asking. Apparently God doesn’t like to be asked the same question several times in a row when he’s already given you an answer. *shifty eyes* though I think i already knew that.

Also, in a slightly related topic I just began to cry last night, I was so happy. And I was just… so …excited. I don’t like to cry in front of people, so I basically waited until I was in my room alone and cried. (That has ties back to my childhood. My sibs made fun of me for crying at the drop of a hat. Now I can hold it in until they can’t see me. heh) I just feel so … fortunate. My mom and dad were getting restless with my choice in boys to date. I was getting restless at the flakes I had chosen. No one seemed to understand that I wanted to Marry an LDS boy but I didn’t want that to be the only thing we had in common. (the oh so common pick up line: “I’m LDS, and you’re LDS, and we’re both single…” is the LDS equivalent of “Hey Baby…. How you doin’?”) That drove me crazy. Until now, i could never find anyone who enjoyed the same things I did. I don’t know. Liked video games too much, liked them too little, and so on. I think though, with Scott and I it goes beyond all that. Some of the similar things between us are uncanny. Even between our parents.

My mom keeps reminding me of this, it’s a bit of a quirky story. She always says that I remind her of her mom. So, when her mom met her dad at a dance in Oak something valley (We can’t recall the details exactly of where it was) saw him from across the room. She asked her friends about him, and almost immediately after learning his name said: “I’m gonna marry him.” and so she did. 🙂 The uncanny thing is I was looking at Scott’s profile on LDSsingles (after he had sent me a flirt) and I just read it, and turned to my mom and said: “I’m gonna marry him.” and so i shall. 😉

Derringer Meryl [Uncanny Happy Events] Out

I didn’t have time to blog last night, and this morning I woke up too late, so i’m guessing i can do it now, from school (or Skool) Say hello to beautiful Community College campus. Not huge, but i just walked half of the campus, and it’s a pretty nice day, i thought about walking all of it just for fun, so I could think about things, but I ended up deciding against it. I’m not wearing a watch, and could be seriously late to class.

I woke up this morning and decided to not eat. not necessarily in a manner of fasting, but a “I’m just too dang nervous to eat anything at all” type thing. Besides the fact that i can’t have milk for breakfast (lactose intolerant) and all we have to eat pretty much is breakfast cereal, I decided not to risk it.

Scott is going to meet Guts, Marco and Gert today. I’m sorta excited. Not sorta, I am excited. Scott means SO much to me, and my co-workers (I guess Gert is the only one who falls only into that catagory) are my friends. Scott said not to freak about it. But Guts calls me “Mistress Molesta Dawn” and I’m not even kidding. Scott thought it was funny. I have to agree, it’s my funniest name yet.

I feel like i’m bouncing around the topic i want to talk about– I’m afraid to talk about it. Sorta the “if you talk about your wishes they won’t come true” mentality i think. I don’t want to jinx it. I don’t want to build up all of these good feelings and just loose them because i’m too stupid to realize otherwise.

I forgot to talk to my parents about staying over at Mandarin’s house this weekend (full nickname Mandarin the Corruptor, she picked it, so there ya go) she’s one of Scott’s excellent friends (excellent is my word, all of his friends are his best friends. Which is a lot like me. All of my friends are my best friend) and she’s invited me to stay at her house after D&D this week. It’d be SO nice to do that, I just … hope I remember right that my parents said yes. *sighs* living with your parents who treat you like you’re still sixteen, is a drag. The uber drag. *makes notes to not be a drag when a parent of a teenager later in life*

I parked uber far away, Dax is gonna be so angry. Too bad! so sad! heh. we need the exercise, and plus, i didn’t want to stalk someone for their parking spot. (here I am dancing around the subject again)

I’m just making myself ill with worry. My mom keeps making plans and I say “Scott doesn’t have his answer, and I don’t want to assume yes.” *sighs* this is not the kind of thing you enter into lightly– but it feels so right. I’ve never been happier than when i’m with Scott…. and his friends all say that he’s happiest with me. what can I say besides Hearing that makes me giddy. (giddy is the word of the week i’m thinking) Nothing else has ever felt this right. I’m hoping God agrees. For two main reasons…. 1) I love Scott, and I want to be with him forever. 2) I don’t know the road back from here emotionally. If this weren’t to work out– I’m just not sure what i’d do. I’m not saying this is a “We’re going to do this or else I’ll kill myself” type thing. Heck no. It’s more of a “If this doesn’t work out, i’m not sure where i’d go from here.” type thing. I’d probably still quit Gamestop as I am planning to do. It’s become viciously apparent from going to the mall and my mom saying “Ohh look at these rings” while I shrugged her off…. (she’s been all for this since day one.) that the teeny pay check I pull in from GS won’t support any of my wedding aspirations. So I’m guessing I’m going to have to grow up, and throw Gamestop in the trash, like i’ve been assuming for a long time. :S But I remain there for the social aspect, that’s why i’m still there– why i put up with the stupid demands and the horribly low pay. (i’m the lowest paid worker at my store, I can almost guarantee) I might just go and be a waitress for a while. I’ll be one of the good ones too, the ones that don’t spit in your food. Heh. 😀

Anyway– I had better go. I have classes that I should TRY to focus on, but I’m telling you– my brains won’t be there. I’ll be thinking of Scott… and praying, the entire time.

Dn Angel: A Graceful Evening

even peaceful time and the sorrows of a small heart

appeared to be shining very beautifully

the wind blows against the silent you

that’s just so pleasant I sing a little song

when you stare at me, I can’t really breathe

hey… please don’t laugh

peaceful time passes away silently

I didn’t notice it but spring has come

soon everything will reach the sky

just swaying swaying swaying and floating there

you can stand in the wind, flowing far away in the stream

lets quietly disappear so that no one can interfere

quietly…

peaceful time passes away silently

I didn’t notice it but spring has come

even the tiny world in our tiny hands

are glittering, shining as if we’re inside a dream

as if we’re inside a dream

as if we’re inside a dream

Derringer Meryl [Jpop Queen] Out

Have you ever been unable to focus? Of course, because you, like everyone else, are normal. Heh. I can’t focus on my legal secretary text for the life of me. *sighs* Busy thinking about other things. Thinking about how i’d like to be reading another blue book which is sitting on my couch.

This blue book i’m reading now, not so much interesting. I don’t even want to be a legal secretary anymore. I’ve never read anything so dull and horrid in my entire life. and i don’t think i’ve ever not comprehended something I’ve read as much as I have the books this year at school.

Do you like this new layout? I know the green is a little… hm… gacky? So sorry about that. But I really liked the pictures together, and green brought them together the best. This shade. Unfortunately. 🙂 But I like the saying. i like what it means. I like how happy I am. I like living like Sakura does. She’s a constant blush machine, and I have to admit, i’ve been living there too.

I know my previous post was pretty down on Meryl (can I say I love that name?) I guess i let my depression control me a little too much, and certainly let other people use it to their advantage. I won’t name anyone, but it’s people in my past. I need to understand that what they said doesn’t matter, and now… now i have someone who thinks i’m fantastic the way I am. *smiles* Everyone says they’ve never seen me happier. Guts says if Scott hurts me, that he’ll maim him. Of course, Guts never maimed Monkey for me, so I guess I’ll take that with a grain of salt. 🙂

Care Bear came up from provo to pick her sister up from the Airport, so she stopped in. it was fun. I felt really giddy. We all got into her friend’s car and sang really loud to “Hey Ya” By Outkast. It was fun. it’s like everything in life is better, just … great. Everything is fantastic.

I look at my bedroom (which mind you, I’ve almost got about perfect for my desires) and I think. I don’t want this anymore. I don’t want the “i have a crush on that actor” posters on my wall, and I don’t want the cut outs of pretty girls I wish I was on my walls. I dont’ want to be them anymore either. If I needed to. I could give this all up.

And I could. I just could. Doesn’t really matter.

Derringer Meryl [Must concintrate on Book] Out