Undone

I went to school today, and actually got something worthwhile accomplished too. I have all of the cards that we (Scott and I) got from Bed Bath and Beyond filled out with our names on it. (His first, since that’s how we’re registered) and I only messed up once! I’m really proud to say that’s done and out of the way.

Our invites are mocked up. THey need a few finishing touches to be complete, but we’re getting really close. I got my session for the temple scheduled (wahoo) for the Fourth of June. I’m sorta nervous about this. It feels like …

wham!

and i’m a grown up. I mean, I’m getting all these grown up things to worry and think about. An apartment, a GOOD job (lets face it, you know it, i know it, Gamestop sucks monkey butt) and it’s just something i’ve been thinking a lot about lately. That and school. Scott says it’ll be a while until i get to go back to school. I think it’s fine. I think some time away from school will help me appreciate it. Right now, I dont’ know what i want to do. I think it’s a waste of money that i’m going– because it’s not going towards anything. Not general education or anything. Just random classes that sounded good. :S The thing is (I know Scott’ll try to contest this, and maybe The Specialist) I’m not good at anything. I mean, i can’t remember ONE time in my whole life that The Specialist wasn’t insanely brilliant. I mean, he’s always known stuff, always been a really good speaker, very eloquent, and a good speller (I remember him winning the spelling bee, one of my first memories) He’s just always been smart. Always. Sure, everyone messes up, or is wrong sometimes, but he’s always been brilliant.

The thing behind it, I think, is passion (I happen to be insane about passion at the moment, and the lack there of) The Specialist has this passion for computers. He loves it. He loves knowing things about them. He knows so much about them, that I think my brain might explode just trying to comprehend how much he knows…. Scott has the same thing. He knows stuff about computers. He knows which processors do what. He loves knowing stuff about computers. Loves knowing stuff that other people don’t. I don’t have that. I don’t have the passion to learn. I remember the one thing that I used to be passionate about learning about was Mythology, but It got to the point where I couldn’t focus anymore. It just kinda went away. I know SOME stuff about computers, but just enough to make an old person feel stupid (with the exception of my mom, who I swear has now surpassed me in computer knowledge.) I love to write. I’m passionate about my writing…. but that’s not something you can get a grown up job with. Not really. I mean, I could pull a JK Rowling and write something amazing on coffee napkin, but in the end, I’ll probably end up more like Emily Dickinson, who wrote her whole life, but no one liked it until she was dead… (Makes me kinda wish I was dead sometimes… in a non suicidal way.)

I’m passionate (or maybe anal is a better word) about being neat. Looking at my computer desk and bedroom, you’d think i was a big fat liar. But if you take a look into my filing cabinet you’ll see that all my essays from my AP American History class are in order with a front sheet saying what grade I got on each, what the essay prompt was, and then the average for the scores. (adding all the scores up, dividing them by the number of scores…etc) I did it for my English Class too. I love doing that.

Is there a job like that? Where you take things and organize them? I love putting things in order. THe thing is, with my room, not everything can be alphabetized and put in order, so that’s why it’s running amuck. But my magazines are in groups of fashion and gaming (what an odd combo, right?) and then the magazine title Specifically (and alphabetically) then by date issued. 🙂 I’m a freak. I know. I love it. I love that.

Seriously….. Is there a job where you just clean and organize like that?

Derringer Meryl [Finding her Passion] Out

I love this week. Scott isn’t closing at work (hurrah!) so we get to spend a lot more time together. Tonight we went with Scott’s best friend ever to give his fiancee her ring (it was being sized) and we got to chat for a little while to her roommates. (I’m having a difficult time thinking up names for them. Simply because the name “Red” is forever and always taken, so I have to think of a slightly more brilliant name. (or more original?))

Anyway, we went bowling after that– I lost horribly. I’m bad at it, besides the fact that i’m growing my nails out and the ball broke my thumb nail (grrr!) It was still a fun time to be had. 🙂 I enjoy going out and doing things a lot more than I used to. I’m still not very talky– but I think that is very much my own fault. We cheered each other on, Scott and I sang along to “American Pie” … i think he’s got a pretty good voice. Maybe we could be a husband wife duo like “The White Stripes” (Who I’m fairly sure are a Husband/Wife Duo) While we played, Scott and I cuddled after our frames (which you may find sickening, but if you saw what they were doing– you’d be much more comfortable with the cuddles)

*sighs* Not to say that I don’t like them– but I’m certainly hoping they get over this kissy make out phase soon. I’m sure they’re both wonderful people to converse with when they aren’t attached to one another’s faces. (Is that rude? I guess I’m pretty blunt) Moving on….

So we took her back to her house first, and it took them a while to say good bye, but Scott and I Understood it full well how it felt. Still it seemed like it crunched in on our goodbye time…. *sighs* I do miss Scott a lot of the time. I’m glad he doesn’t see me when he’s not around. I’m a grouchy mean person (quite contrary to what I want to be… considering my catch phrase is “be nice!”) I have a shorter fuse and I get frustrated with noises. It’s like being on concerta again. (Which instead of making me focus on one thing, made me focus on everything!) it’s a little wacky and zany…. I’m okay when he’s away (ie, I’m still breathing and existing and what not) but I really do miss him.

I try not to worry about all the things I have buzzing inside of my brain that i wish I could tell him. About how lucky I am to have found HIM. He’s constantly telling me how lucky he was to have found me– but… I could not be more lucky than I am. I figure that it’s all that pent up Karma finally coming back to me. (thank goodniess) and it’s surely payment for that one time I stood up for a girl in class, and then she picked on me too. 😛 I wish I could tell him all the things I think and how great he really is to me. Even in the written word the vocabulary for the supreme greatness evades me. (Grammar starts to go wonkey too) I love everything about him. *sighs* It’s so perfect.

Derringer Meryl [Falling in Love Again] Out

It’s been a bit, hasn’t it? I’ll cover from saturday forward, because– well, that’s the day I remember Last.

I stayed up really late on friday, so waking up on Saturday was hard, but I did it. I did my best to get my homework done…. but i’m a pretty easily distracted person when it comes to homework stuffages. I got most of one of my assignments done, and touched on my essay (draft one due today, not done) i got called into work, I wasn’t exactly thrilled with that. I got home and Care Bear, Scott, and I went down to D&D.

Now, as a precursor to the following, I realize that this was all me. I’m pretty sensitive to moods and stuff, and I mean ….. well, really really sensitive, that’s what I mean. Anyway, i felt like the mojo was off. I asked Scott about it, and he said everything felt normal to him. I can’t quite place it. It seems like something was missing, or something. I was very distracted all night too. *blush* Scott was playing very well too. I’m just not good at all that tactical stuff yet. It’s the same as my basic attack in video games, i’m a hack and slash. I don’t know all the cool moves, and I might never know them…. I just do what seems effective. Anyway, the big deal to me was that it seemed like the mojo was off.

Then I went with Care Bear to her Dorm, and stayed the night there. It was the shortest goodnight ever for Scott and I’s record book. It felt weird. Accompanied by the thoughts of “I can’t wait until we don’t have to say good bye llke this!” Care Bear and I talked until really late (catching up…)

On Sunday Scott fell asleep after I woke him up to come get me. So, we got to listen to some of Conference in the car… 🙂 It was good. I enjoyed conference. Lots about the family. Lots focusing on the duties of married people. I found it to apply greatly to me. Nothing much of consequence happened. I made Scott take a nap, because he was freaky exhausted from the week of staying up late. I know how that is. I feel like I could sleep through everything. *sighs* But alas, I have homework out the wazoo. I got to hang out a lot with Scott’s sisters, which i thought was neat. I love hanging out with Scott’s friends and family. I find that I’m getting to be less Shy Meryl, and more Normal Meryl… which is nice. I don’t particularly like being shy, i just sorta get… well, would it be silly to say …. stage fright? Cause that’s as close as I can think. Everyone is watching you. Wants to know more about you, and I’m just sitting there thinking “What should I say, should I say anything?” and now, Happily, some of that stuff has gone away. Sitting at dinner with Scott’s family is just like sitting to dinner with mine.

Scott Drove me home, he inquired about my mellow mood, and I brought something up, I dont’ really like to bring up…. my exes. I hate talking about them– but I realize that they are part of who I am now. In a way. Each of them (well, okay, a few of them) have changed my life, and Scott should know that they had a role in that. I don’t particularly like to talk about them simply because if Scott ever feels the way I feel about his exes… well, then it’s not his favorite topic either. But I had a few epiphanies about my dating history, and I thought i should share it with him. Then Scott and I covered some pressing details– and then he left, feeling a whole lot better than when he came. 🙂 I’m glad.

Anyway. I have to head to school. Maybe i can cover emotional aspects of this (like do my normal “I feel this way about that.” stuff) later on. Basically, my hands are tied in homework, so maybe not.

Derringer Meryl [Hecktic Homework Rush] Out

I’ve been collecting lyrics like these for a while. My lyrics stash is getting pretty huge (186 files of lyrics, some of them are just one lyrics orgy type thing. It makes me smile)

I love lyrics. They’re poetry to music. I love that.

I love this:

Your best friend I’ve come to be

Please don’t think of getting up for me

You don’t even need to speak

When I’ve been here for just one day

You’ll already miss me if I go away

So close the blinds and shut the door

You won’t need other friends anymore

Oh don’t leave home, oh don’t leave home

If you’re cold I’ll keep you warm

If you’re low just hold on

Cause I will be your safety

Oh don’t leave home

😉 I love this song. I also fell in love with Maroon5’s sweetest goodbye. It’s a goodie. Look it up. You’d like it too, I’m sure.

You want to know what i find freaky? All of my boyfriends (and now my fiance) that have had cars (mode of transportation), have had red ones, and wicked good stereos. Also a fetish with keeping their car nice. (Scott doesn’t have that issue so much, but he likes to keep it clean, but he’s not a freak about it) I’ve dated mostly people born in J months (January, June, July) Considering full names I have the statistic that they usually have an M or J in them. (Scott Michael) I like middle of the month or end of the month birthdays when it comes to all of my guys.

Am I freak for realizing all of this? I just find it quirky and interesting…. and I’m bored out of my skull waiting for Scott to get home.

Derringer Meryl [Music Freak] Out

I was reading Ryoko’s new blog (I’m calling her that. She’s Antigone’s sister, Youngest sister) and she was commenting on kissing.

I highly recommend waiting. Very much. I learned that it sorta kills you a little inside to break up with someone you’ve kissed. i mean, I never did it, but I emotionally was torn up with not doing it, so i can’t imagine doing it and then breaking up.

It’d be very odd. Heart breaking.

Not that Scott was the first guy i kissed… well. Okay. He was the first guy *I* kissed, but not the first guy to kiss me. *thinks* that makes sense to me. Another guy sorta stole my first kiss from me. … and i’ve commented on that before, so i’ll just go back to the point. I love the fact that I waited. I think of kissing as a very intimate thing. I’m just that way, hand holding too. I’m just– I subscribe deeply to the “my body is a temple” way of thinking.

and the fact that I usually recoil from human touch, sorta goes with that too. *smiles*

I got my ring last night. It about Killed Scott as I was chatting away with the ring in hand, but I didn’t know it. It was on the stem of a rose *sigh* and Carebear and her sister were there for it, I was all gross in my after work clothes, and my hair hadn’t been done in days– but i felt like a princess.

Anyway– I’ll write more on it later. I should really be a better hostess than I am being. Laters

Derringer Meryl [I have a pretty ring] Out