Undone

I got to see Akira finally. I watched it, and I don’t see what the great big fuss is about. I got a lot of people who said “I Love that Anime, it’s so great.” and a whole lot of people who said “It’s okay, It’s just … wierd.” Whatever. Either way, i could take it or leave it. Berserk blows it out of the water in gore though. The story was kinda hard to follow. I saw all the toys I owned, though one of them didn’t show up until the end. *shrugs*

I got to see Scott tonight, for like three minutes (if that) I went to stalk him at work. (hee hee) He said I should have told him so he could have taken his break at that time. I wanted to surprise him though, and that I did. Plus I wanted to show him that I wasn’t dead. Which brings up the fact that I was pretty sick all day today… or yesterday, depending on how you look at it. Anyway. I had vertigo pretty bad, i had problems walking from my bedroom to the front room. It wasn’t that my legs were weak I just ran into like fourty things from point a to point b. Sometimes it was just one thing several times…. like the wall. And I couldn’t speak. I woke up and had a little bit of a voice, but later I couldn’t speak at all (that was around lunch time) We weren’t sure if it was lack of sleep, or allergies, but I slept from two in the morning to five in the evening in pretty much one solid swoop.

I got to see Care Bear tonight too. She’s gonna be going back to Colorado soon. 🙁 I should make her come up a day early. I want to go Roller Skating with her. I want to go do something fun. Stupid School just seems to get in the way of us doing something fun together. 🙁 I can’t believe that next Wednesday she’ll be gone…. and won’t be back until the week before my wedding! How odd! She’ll be back in the fall (for another year of school) and what not, but i miss her. I want to go do something just us before I get married. Not a wedding shower, which I’m glad she’llbe coming to, but something fun that just we do. I’ve been a jerk lately (since last year?) and dragged someone else along on our fun days. :S Blah. I’m all the sudden disappointing in myself.

I’m a horrid friend sometimes. I’d drag boys along, or other friends, when it should have been just me and Care Bear having a good time. I miss when it was us as kids, and me and her sisters would play dolls or something. I remember we walked to the rec center one day, and it was SO hot. And once we were playing at my house and ordering pretend pizza and her sister wanted stuff crust pizza with marshmellows. And she loves to chase me up and down the aisles of Blockbuster (or Media Play) with Pr0n because she thinks it’s funny that i think it’s dirty. I love her. She’s great. She puts up with my stupid little things. She has stood with me through so much. Like once we liked the same guy, and he actually liked her back (and he didn’t like me) and there could have been a huge fight, and a whole lot of hate…. but There wasn’t. Because we were really open about it, and we’d known each other eight years at that point. I used to practically live at her house. She’s seen me throw up before. I’ve seen her cry. We only went to the same school for one year. We met in the first grade. We’ve flung underwear at each other in GAP body. She’s one of the funniest people I know.

And I sorta feel like a scuz bucket for not being better to her. Of course, i generally feel like a scuz bucket right now because I’m ignoring most of my friends. Like Red, who I emailed the other day, and I haven’t seen anyone from work in ages (missing out on work because of schedule follies…) I miss Guts and The Mouth. In a way i sorta miss Artemis. I miss Gert and Monkey. (Though I saw Monkey at school briefly the other day)

and Oh my Heck, it’s been forever since I talked to Marco!

Derringer Meryl [Feeling a little badly] Out

Still at school. Wondering what to do. I have nothing to do because Dax is in class, I’m thinking about going and buying a notebook (i have to buy something… cause i said so. Heh) to start my “planning a wedding” journal. Which my mom suggested and Scott agreed that it would be a good idea.

Like I said, I was reading that blasted magazine and it says to me “You are supposed to buy a present for the groom…” and I’m all, “WHAT? Cheeze and rice, I don’t know anything” (Which isn’t an unusual thought, especially with being in school and all.) I just sorta think about it alot.

i was in class today and I talked to my stress management teacher, who i say has to be one of the nicest people in the world. she can turn anything from a negative into a positive. Which I happen to find one of the most useful talents ever. 🙂 I’m trying to implement it into my life, which she said is totally possible (see the positive ness?) I told her that I don’t feel like eating anymore (I just don’t. I feel like i’ve eaten a 24 course meal all the time) and she says “Are you in love?” and I blush, with a tiny Sakura face, and say “Yes, i am.” She grins and tells me that when you fall in love that you tend to lose weight because you stop eating. Also there’s a hormone emitted in your body that makes you feel full all the time. I told her that I had still felt full when I started to shake and my hands were unsteady. She said that i should eat sometimes even when i don’t feel like eating.

Now this may sound like common sense to everyone else, but I’m a firm believer in “If I’m not hungry, why should I eat?” so this thought sorta hit me, and I know that I should eat more than I do now. Heh.

I was in the car with Scott the other day, and we were listening to one of my CD’s (he was shocked (?right word?) that i liked eighties music too) and I put on this song. It was “Fly Me to the Moon – Asuka Bossa Techno” version of the ending to Evangelion. I love Evangelion. What can I say? Asuka’s version is SOOO fitting for us anyway. *looks around* I started humming it the other day while I was thinking of Scott, just randomly, thus I brought out the only CD I have it on. I think I lost the MP3 of it, so i’ve been scouring the net for it, but have yet to have found the exact same version. (I”m sure you’re thinking “Just rip it from your CD, duh!” and if i knew how, I would.) Anyway, it’s a great song. I’m gonna lyric spew it, and then scamper off to find me a new notebook. Just the right size. 😉

Fly me to the Moon, Various Artists

Fly me to the moon,

And let me play among the stars.

Let me see what spring is like on Jupiter and Mars.

In other words, hold my hand!

In other words, darling, kiss me.

Fill my heart with song,

and let me sing forever more.

You are all I long for, all I worship and adore.

In other words, please be true!

In other words, I love you!

Derringer Meryl [Off I go] Out

I didn’t have time to blog last night, and this morning I woke up too late, so i’m guessing i can do it now, from school (or Skool) Say hello to beautiful Community College campus. Not huge, but i just walked half of the campus, and it’s a pretty nice day, i thought about walking all of it just for fun, so I could think about things, but I ended up deciding against it. I’m not wearing a watch, and could be seriously late to class.

I woke up this morning and decided to not eat. not necessarily in a manner of fasting, but a “I’m just too dang nervous to eat anything at all” type thing. Besides the fact that i can’t have milk for breakfast (lactose intolerant) and all we have to eat pretty much is breakfast cereal, I decided not to risk it.

Scott is going to meet Guts, Marco and Gert today. I’m sorta excited. Not sorta, I am excited. Scott means SO much to me, and my co-workers (I guess Gert is the only one who falls only into that catagory) are my friends. Scott said not to freak about it. But Guts calls me “Mistress Molesta Dawn” and I’m not even kidding. Scott thought it was funny. I have to agree, it’s my funniest name yet.

I feel like i’m bouncing around the topic i want to talk about– I’m afraid to talk about it. Sorta the “if you talk about your wishes they won’t come true” mentality i think. I don’t want to jinx it. I don’t want to build up all of these good feelings and just loose them because i’m too stupid to realize otherwise.

I forgot to talk to my parents about staying over at Mandarin’s house this weekend (full nickname Mandarin the Corruptor, she picked it, so there ya go) she’s one of Scott’s excellent friends (excellent is my word, all of his friends are his best friends. Which is a lot like me. All of my friends are my best friend) and she’s invited me to stay at her house after D&D this week. It’d be SO nice to do that, I just … hope I remember right that my parents said yes. *sighs* living with your parents who treat you like you’re still sixteen, is a drag. The uber drag. *makes notes to not be a drag when a parent of a teenager later in life*

I parked uber far away, Dax is gonna be so angry. Too bad! so sad! heh. we need the exercise, and plus, i didn’t want to stalk someone for their parking spot. (here I am dancing around the subject again)

I’m just making myself ill with worry. My mom keeps making plans and I say “Scott doesn’t have his answer, and I don’t want to assume yes.” *sighs* this is not the kind of thing you enter into lightly– but it feels so right. I’ve never been happier than when i’m with Scott…. and his friends all say that he’s happiest with me. what can I say besides Hearing that makes me giddy. (giddy is the word of the week i’m thinking) Nothing else has ever felt this right. I’m hoping God agrees. For two main reasons…. 1) I love Scott, and I want to be with him forever. 2) I don’t know the road back from here emotionally. If this weren’t to work out– I’m just not sure what i’d do. I’m not saying this is a “We’re going to do this or else I’ll kill myself” type thing. Heck no. It’s more of a “If this doesn’t work out, i’m not sure where i’d go from here.” type thing. I’d probably still quit Gamestop as I am planning to do. It’s become viciously apparent from going to the mall and my mom saying “Ohh look at these rings” while I shrugged her off…. (she’s been all for this since day one.) that the teeny pay check I pull in from GS won’t support any of my wedding aspirations. So I’m guessing I’m going to have to grow up, and throw Gamestop in the trash, like i’ve been assuming for a long time. :S But I remain there for the social aspect, that’s why i’m still there– why i put up with the stupid demands and the horribly low pay. (i’m the lowest paid worker at my store, I can almost guarantee) I might just go and be a waitress for a while. I’ll be one of the good ones too, the ones that don’t spit in your food. Heh. 😀

Anyway– I had better go. I have classes that I should TRY to focus on, but I’m telling you– my brains won’t be there. I’ll be thinking of Scott… and praying, the entire time.

Dn Angel: A Graceful Evening

even peaceful time and the sorrows of a small heart

appeared to be shining very beautifully

the wind blows against the silent you

that’s just so pleasant I sing a little song

when you stare at me, I can’t really breathe

hey… please don’t laugh

peaceful time passes away silently

I didn’t notice it but spring has come

soon everything will reach the sky

just swaying swaying swaying and floating there

you can stand in the wind, flowing far away in the stream

lets quietly disappear so that no one can interfere

quietly…

peaceful time passes away silently

I didn’t notice it but spring has come

even the tiny world in our tiny hands

are glittering, shining as if we’re inside a dream

as if we’re inside a dream

as if we’re inside a dream

Derringer Meryl [Jpop Queen] Out

Things i’ve learned lately:

1. No matter what, it’s really not a good idea to try to do the Night at the Roxbury thing while skating. Really. Don’t try it, unless you like falling down. (See: What Is Love? [7″ Mix] – Haddaway)

2. Sometimes the best laid plans give way to the most memorable moments.

3. As said by someone very wise: “Why is it when your life is in danger you can only yell one or two words?” (See: IRON GATE! or possibly BIG STICK!)

4. What could be more fun than having your own inside joke? (See: Mango the Zombie and Necro-Nancy)

5. Sometimes the simplest things are the sweetest. These simple things can also cause certain people to giggle insanely for long amounts of time, and possibly grin at unexpected moments.

6. Having Tenth Kingdom Marathons are also known to make certain people grin as well.

7. I am the entertainment of my family. I am the newest soap opera– I suppose — and I love it.

8. Songs on Repeat while writing can make you smile as you remember people…. and moments.

9. Every near death experience remembered makes me appreciate everyone I know who is alive.

10. Every scary experience, say falling in love, is worth it.

I got a check in the mail today, and I’m so excited. I’m going to FINALLY get my Inuyasha with it, unless I can think of something else to do with it. I really should save it– but I want to have something to do while i’m unable to move during Spring Break (I’m getting the little lovelies removed off of my foot again. Hopefully they’ll stay away this time.) I really hope I don’t get scheduled next wednesday, but I know Guts or maybe Monkey would be willing to switch with me. 😉 I’m getting to the point where I don’t even want to go to work, cause i’d rather hang out with Scott and his friends.

(looks at her TV) huh, my DVD has a scratch or a defect. Hm.

*coughs and goes back to her previous statement* I know that might make no sense to anyone here, but i love work. I spend a lot of my time there. They are my only social outlet.

Looks like my counter broke 1700, thanks guys and gals!

Bah, I must go and cook and see when I work.

Derringer Meryl [Angel from my Nightmare] out

I don’t care if you like Fanfiction or not. I don’t care if you watch anime, or if you’re an avid fan. I don’t care if you think i’m the biggest shmuck in the entire world. If you’ve ever been in love, If you ever want to be IN love, and if you marvel at the way it changes things, then you must read this fic

a small excerpt that i find reflects me, and how i feel for my friends, and how i would describe the depth of my love for someone:

“And more than anything, at that moment, I wanted him to love me back.

And because I loved him, I could then find it in myself to go back to the Sengoku Jidai and see him. I could face my feelings, once I knew I loved him, because then I could identify with part of Kikyou’s feelings. I could face myself, because I could never hate a woman who loves the same boy I do, no matter what she may want from him.

And so I went back, and I faced Inuyasha, as he had faced me the night before. I saw him, and it hurt, because I had never loved someone whom I thought might not love me in return. But it didn’t matter then. And even if I’m still in second place now, after so much has happened, it doesn’t matter.

I want to stay with him.

I want him to live.

And even if he leaves me in the end, I want him to smile as much as possible until then.

Because I love him.

And it’s not just that I’m in love with him, though I am. The love I feel for Inuyasha cannot be expressed in terms of a relationship. The love I hold for him transcends something as simple as the concept of being acquaintances, friends, or lovers. I could be all with him, though a romantic relationship would probably be the closest manifestation of my feelings for him. What I feel for him is deeper than all of that. My love for Inuyasha is ineffable. I just need to be with him. And if I can’t have that, then I just need to know that he’s happy.”

Isn’t that some AMAZING writing? I’d love to claim it as my own, but no– alas i’ve kept some such insight to myself, as Kagome (if she was real) might have done herself. Bravo writer, Bravo.

Derringer Meryl [Trancending Lables] Out