Undone

Figured I should get around to posting something that isn’t whining.

Yeah, Like I could do anything but whine. Oh well, I guess you wouldnt’ be reading if you didn’t enjoy it in some masochistic way. Right?

Anway, I should be doing some homework for school, but I thought that I’d rather dish about work. I didn’t think this would ever happen again, but you know my luck. Blah.

Anyway, I enjoy my new Boss, he’s so funny, and just incredible. SO very nice, unlike Paul (Yes I said his real name, I don’t care, he’s a jerk, and everyone deserves to know). They both have rather simular lives, but my new boss seems to have taken it and made himself stronger instead of becoming bitter and what not. I think it’s great. I wish I had the strength to do that. To become not bitter, and not hate the people who hurt me. I guess that’s my weakness. Majorly so.

I’ve been reading up on Buffy spoilers. (run Away Run Run run if you don’t want to be spoiled!!!)

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the title of the next new episode which is

Lies My Parents Told Me

I was thinking about that. In the episode the father figure (Giles) is telling Buffy she shouldn’t become involved with Spike (Evil grr Vampire) romantically again. Well screw the romantically, they shoudln’t be involved together at all, especially not physically like they were previously. Buffy says that Spike is there because she can’t handle him not being there right now.

This reminds me of my family right now, not just my parents, but pretty much all of my family. It’s like they know what is best for me, even though they don’t know what is going on in my head, or my heart, or the feelings that pulse through my body. My friend… well he’s leaving on a mission soon. He’s a doll and I think he’s great and all, extremely sweet, but it’s hard enough for me to get out of bed and go to church every week, let alone drive to someone elses church. It all seems like such a burden. I do feel bad for not going, but …. i don’t know, we weren’t really involved, he never asked me back out on a date– which was fine, I understand. I don’t know how to explain it, he’s a total lovable guy, but I just didn’t feel it was right for me to go. SO much for that.

The story of Buffy is how people, especially parents, meddle in other’s lives. Doing what they suppose is best. Mom asks people to go out with you, Dad gives you lectures on the importance of staying morally clean.

I’ve heard it all before, and I’m a good girl. I have my little bubble of safety– and I”m happy with it. I’m not ready for it to be gone yet.

Derringer Meryl [Bubble Named Spike] Out

I recently complained that no one pays attention to me.

That’s a lie.

They pay plenty of attention to me when it’s useful to them. “Oh Meryl, You can help us in the yard!”, “OH Meryl, can you do this for the class? It’d be appreciated!”

BLAH BLAH BLAH. DO your homework, do your chores, do this do that, do your job, keep your head on straight

don’t have a mental break down Meryl!

Lord. *shakes her head* I’m tired. Oh God am I tried. I’m tired of all this work, and the fact that’s all I’m good for. Work. I”m a little work pony or something. Freak. *sighs* I do not mind helping out. I simply cannot do everything.

And whether you know it or not, YOU have asked me to do it all. I can’t solve problems, I can’t figure life out, and I don’t have time to write emails, hell!

I’m writing in here when I just told my mom I needed to do homework…. dammit. I can’t do everything. DOn’t ask me to, dont’ bug me about it…. just DON’T!

Okay? It’s not personal, no, it’s about me. Stop making it about YOU cause it’s ME! I don’t care what you think, I’m having some problems managing here, and I really don’t have TIME to listen to YOUR insecurities right now.

ALRIGHT? and I sure as hell dont’ have time to chop some dumb limbs up in the back yard. Not right now, not in the middle of the day. I’m a little busy.

If you needed me, you should have asked me to do it this morning, when it was slightly cool outside.

Derringer Meryl [Ready to Scream] Out

p.s. Oh yeah, dont’ tell me you feel flustered, and you dont’ think I understand your responsibilities and crap. I feel it, because everytime YOU’RE stressed it gets dumped on ME. Okay? I didn’t ask you to take on five things at once. I didn’t ask to be YOUR punching bag. I dont’ need it, and I surely dont’ want it. If you can’t treat me right, like a normal person treats another, then leave me alone.

Life keeps passing me by

Seriously. I had a good friend, she and I didn’t agree on much, she is a Buddist, I’m a member of the LDS church.

I make a lot of mistakes, and she’s a staunch Perfectionist. That doesn’t mean I don’t like her, in fact, right now, she’s the best friend I have (that isn’t directly blood related.) I’ve come to the conclusion however that I just suck at being a friend. I’m serious. I can’t express a lot of emotion– and well. I’m not really social– Social things usually end up really sucking for me. A lot, So I tend to shy away. Not to mention that friendship is usually based on proximity (that is how close they are physically) so if you have more classes with someone– then you lean towards being their friend.

It’s hard. Being a senior in high school and being a social failure at the same time. I don’t want some pity friends. I don’t want to be someone’s charity case. I don’t want someone to try and befriend me because i sit in the library at lunch.

I want something Genuine. All I know is I feel very very alone.

Like — Like everyone around me has a place in the puzzle, they fit in, in their own unique way…. and I…. I belong somewhere else. Somewhere…. different. Living here, not necessarily in this town, or state, or country, feels wrong.

Like I’m alive– but everything inside of me is rotting, falling to pieces, and no one can see. And beyond that, no one cares.

And while i know that I could never hurt anyone, not even myself…. Things inside of me scream and cry out for something more, for — a little freedom.

All I have is captive

Blah Blah Blah.

Everyone has pain, and I’m sure if we all took the time to STOP looking at our own pain, and emotional wounds– and looked at someone elses– we’d all feel better.

But that’s too easy.

You know what, I was wrong. You *are* an idiot. My life happens to, on occasion, *suck* beyond the telling of it. Sometimes more than I can handle. And it’s not just mine. Every single person down there is ignoring your pain because they’re too busy with their own.

The beautiful ones, the popular ones, the guys that pick on you… Everyone.

If you could hear what they were feeling, the loneliness, the confusion… It looks quiet down there. It’s not. It’s deafening.

Go Buffy. You sing it girl. OW – OW!

June 2001. A month I will never forget.

I was down. Very very very down. That is extremely depressed. Some sisters wont admit it, but they have a favorite brother– and mine got married that month, and yes that’s why I was down.

You see, It has been confirmned to me many times that marriage, while over all a good thing for both people, often takes good people from their families.

Like my brother.

Well, when he decided to get married– I was happy for him. it was a good thing like I said before, but I realized– that —

there was no more time.

The hours and days slipped past after he had come home from his mission, and all of it was devoted to her. Now, I do enjoy his wife, she’s a very nice girl. But I’m selfish, I admit it, I needed more brother sister time– and it was gone. I don’t know when I realized that it was finally over, but I think it was when they began to open their wedding presents. I left the room, to the furthest place away, found a knife and began to slice at my skin.

Now the blade was very dull, lucky for me, and did very little damage. I was found– crying my eyes out, and he told me he’d still visit, that he wasn’t gone forever–

he’d come back.

I’m crying now, what a dork I am.

And the truth of it is, he does– he comes back for a few minutes, from time to time, to shower or get a haircut from mom–

but it’s never me anymore. It’s never about me. I’m not sure if that’s what hurts, or what. But I know it does– really deep down, in the middle of my chest, and behind my eyes–

I can’t be upset, because I love him, he’s my brother, and he’s happy. They make each other happy. I guess I just wasn’t ready, didn’t really understand.

Or maybe it was the fact that he has to be added to the list of people who broke their promises.

Yeah– that’s it, that’s what hurts.

Derringer Meryl [Inside i’m still a little] Out