Undone

Life keeps passing me by

Seriously. I had a good friend, she and I didn’t agree on much, she is a Buddist, I’m a member of the LDS church.

I make a lot of mistakes, and she’s a staunch Perfectionist. That doesn’t mean I don’t like her, in fact, right now, she’s the best friend I have (that isn’t directly blood related.) I’ve come to the conclusion however that I just suck at being a friend. I’m serious. I can’t express a lot of emotion– and well. I’m not really social– Social things usually end up really sucking for me. A lot, So I tend to shy away. Not to mention that friendship is usually based on proximity (that is how close they are physically) so if you have more classes with someone– then you lean towards being their friend.

It’s hard. Being a senior in high school and being a social failure at the same time. I don’t want some pity friends. I don’t want to be someone’s charity case. I don’t want someone to try and befriend me because i sit in the library at lunch.

I want something Genuine. All I know is I feel very very alone.

Like — Like everyone around me has a place in the puzzle, they fit in, in their own unique way…. and I…. I belong somewhere else. Somewhere…. different. Living here, not necessarily in this town, or state, or country, feels wrong.

Like I’m alive– but everything inside of me is rotting, falling to pieces, and no one can see. And beyond that, no one cares.

And while i know that I could never hurt anyone, not even myself…. Things inside of me scream and cry out for something more, for — a little freedom.

All I have is captive