Undone

June 2001. A month I will never forget.

I was down. Very very very down. That is extremely depressed. Some sisters wont admit it, but they have a favorite brother– and mine got married that month, and yes that’s why I was down.

You see, It has been confirmned to me many times that marriage, while over all a good thing for both people, often takes good people from their families.

Like my brother.

Well, when he decided to get married– I was happy for him. it was a good thing like I said before, but I realized– that —

there was no more time.

The hours and days slipped past after he had come home from his mission, and all of it was devoted to her. Now, I do enjoy his wife, she’s a very nice girl. But I’m selfish, I admit it, I needed more brother sister time– and it was gone. I don’t know when I realized that it was finally over, but I think it was when they began to open their wedding presents. I left the room, to the furthest place away, found a knife and began to slice at my skin.

Now the blade was very dull, lucky for me, and did very little damage. I was found– crying my eyes out, and he told me he’d still visit, that he wasn’t gone forever–

he’d come back.

I’m crying now, what a dork I am.

And the truth of it is, he does– he comes back for a few minutes, from time to time, to shower or get a haircut from mom–

but it’s never me anymore. It’s never about me. I’m not sure if that’s what hurts, or what. But I know it does– really deep down, in the middle of my chest, and behind my eyes–

I can’t be upset, because I love him, he’s my brother, and he’s happy. They make each other happy. I guess I just wasn’t ready, didn’t really understand.

Or maybe it was the fact that he has to be added to the list of people who broke their promises.

Yeah– that’s it, that’s what hurts.

Derringer Meryl [Inside i’m still a little] Out