Undone

2003-10-08 – 12:52 a.m.

Okay, i’ve tried to hide it, amid my other shames, but i cannot hide it anymore.

I love sappy romance Novels. I hate it, it’s embarrassing, i know it. Obviously i wouldn’t have hidden it if it wasnt’ so embarrassing to me. My favorite series of all time is the Sea Series, Written By Jean Ferris. She’s [?] an amazing author. (If it’s a guy, thne it’s more amazing, and then one has to wonder, with how well he writes, he must be gayer than all hell.) There are three books in the series, and in the end, the last has to be my favorite (think about it, it’s really the climax of any trilogy) But just so you know the first one is called Into the Wind, Song of the Sea, and Weather the Storm I’m sure that on the outside they look like any other lonely girl special, that is rippling biceps and supple breasts… yada yada yada. Not really. Very action Packed…. with some of that yummy guy imagery (since it is written from the girl’s POV, she very rarely, if ever, refers to her breasts or anything like that….) so yeah.

Here’s the basic layout. The guy who rescues her is a complete JERK (I wanted to put another word there, but prudence tells me not to…) he sets her workplace on fire, kills her dad, and *cough* rescues her from her dull life. Sure she’s gotten into something more exciting, but sheesh. … To complicate things, she, like most girls, falls in love with the freakish jerk. (Don’t get me wrong, he’s one foxy good kissin’ freakish jerk, but jerk all the same. we can’t ignore that fact.) I mostly get to read the second book (it’s fairly awesome) but while it has more action than the last, it’s certainly not as happy.

*shifty eyes* This is where it gets sad, i have to admit that I, the high and mighty AP English student, has been reading these for quite a while. *coughs* it gets worse, these books are intended for ninth graders, and considering i’m a freshman in college, it makes me sound– really really uber pathetic. *frowns* but it’s like a tradition. I read these books through my first messy break up (and yeah, it was messy because i cling. I admit that.) and so i just want to get my own copies so i can read them through all my future break ups, and then someday give them to my daughter so she can read them through her break ups.

I was watching Inu Yasha again. I know, again with the crazy, but it’s like a romance movie in action. Girl loves Dog Boy, Dog boy loves girl, Dog Boy and Girl believe they are betrayed by one another, Girl dies, girl gets re-incarnated into very pretty girl, Pretty girl enters Dog Boy’s Life, Dog Boy is confused but slightly turned on. *shrugs* See, Drama. I enjoy it. ANyway, they were talking about how it was shameful how Inu Yasha (Dog Boy) and Kikyo (girl) had fallen in love, which reminded me of the saying…

You don’t choose who you fall in love with — you just fall.

which for those of you who are keeping score is from my *coughs* Mexico story I was reading at school that one time. *winks* Love is Love, no matter how you look at it. It isn’t always healthy. It isn’t always right, but it’s always love. (Becareful, Lust looks a lot like it, just — hussied up a little, ya know?)

*sweatdrop* Have you ever tried to get something out of your mind, some… *shakes her head* and it just won’t get out? Like take a song for instance, you just think of another song, right? But what if you don’t want to. You love that song being stuck in your head…. Like on Friday I had only one portion of The Postal Service’s, Nothing Better, stuck in my head, all day. I’m not even joking. I had my CD player, and I considered turning it on, listening to some tunes, and getting it out, by any means possible, but it just occurred to me, that i like it there.

and i guess if i like something being stuck in my head, i should probably shut the hell up about it, ne? *smirks* I’ll just have to remember that. won’t i?

I trust everyone. It’s the devil inside the person I don’t trust

Derringer Meryl [ignoring the devil] Out

your heart won’t heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures

How true. I hate how i keep doing that. How it goes over and over again in my mind– how i messed it all up– God, i suppose the worst thing is not knowing, if i could have fixed this at all. If I could have had a happier experience, if i had just done one thing, instead of the other. If I hadn’t been so polite to let someone go first and demanded that i went first. What if…. what if…. what if. I’m the what if queen. I guess I spend too much of my time living in unresolved pasts, that don’t, and never will, exist. How sad. To waste your life away wondering what could have been, I hate myself for it. But i suppose that’s nothing new. I only love myself when someone tells me to…

And all this time i’ve been a liar, I always told myself I wasn’t J’s dolly, for him to fling around. For him to make a fool of, to laugh at, to hug then hurt, I told him that. That I wasn’t for him to hurt. I was lying then. I am a dolly. I’m someone you’re supposed to play with, toy with my little heart to see the reactions, then when you’re bored, throw me away for a new one… That’s the way it goes. And I try so hard to say “I am woman, hear me roar! I have power! I am a Person! You must listen to me!” What lies. I say them to myself, and no one else….

I stopped taking my medication after Graduation– probably because i was on such a natural high. I was involved, I was free of what was dragging me down, and i was free to do what I want. Free…. *laughs* Yeah. I guess i didn’t need pills. I was so happy. I had what I wanted, what i needed. I was so careless to let it slip through my fingers. What a Prat I am. *sighs*

Right, enough of that. I’m sure you’re very tired of hearing me whine, i’m fairly sure everyone is. That’s all i do anymore anyway. See?? There I go again.

I don’t fit in with my family, i don’t fit in with my co-workers, i don’t fit in anywhere. Blah. The world seems bleak. I need something that is bright and shiny to look at, so i can smile again.

I need to get out of this damned town, and away from all of the memories it holds.

Derringer Meryl [Trapped with no light] Out

Blah. I know the true form of the devil– it’s ice cream. I’m sure you’re laughing, I mean what kind of person finds Ice Cream Evil, and wants to condemn it to the depths of hell where it will eternally melt ….

Me. Little miss Lactose intolerant. That’s who. See, i love the way it tastes, and the way it so very nicely fills your mouth, with this sweetness, which is only rivaled by dark chocolate… Oh, yes, that’s the part that entices me, very much so…. what I don’t relish is the three or so hours later when it wreaks havoc on my stomach. Trust me, it’s no fun, and if you never have to feel it… lucky you.

I am a stupid, stupid girl…

Urk– I have to go.

Derringer Meryl [Massochistic tendencies] Out

I’m feelin’ a little down. I had a friend of mine over yesterday, and we hung out, and stuff, it was fun–

one of the things we did was reminisce– about Graduation Night. She was one of my special presents– she came over for My Graduation, special. She watched me graduate from way high up some place– and then we went out to rent a movie… with monkey.

I guess that’s where the pangs begin. That’s where the “I should have” feeling starts, and it just keeps going. I shouldn’t have been such a dumbass….. i should have been nicer, i should have let go faster, i should have …. been better, done better, smiled more, kept my insides to myself….

*whispers* i should have been better about Red liking him.

I still have issues about that. But I really need to let go. Monkey wasn’t mine, isn’t mine, won’t ever be mine. I should just push him out of my mind– but still I cling to the memories i have– maybe it’s because he’s the first guy to actually treat me decent. to be kind to me, and do things for me, without expecting some kind of action out of me later on that night. And maybe i screwed up so much because– because his honest kindness towards me confused me. Boys aren’t supposed to be nice — they’re supposed to be jackasses, so i can move on faster, so i can stop loving them, and feel okay. And maybe i could let go of him– if i was able to hate him for something. But i’m not. Sure, things that have happened hurt, but — i don’t blame him. I blame myself. I’m not what he wants, that’s not his deal, it’s not even a deal, it’s just a fact. So I can’t hate him for it… can’t hate him for not being attracted to me that way. It’s just a thing. A fact.

I let go of J-Bob so much faster, maybe it’s because i knew i never had a chance with J-Bob. I knew it wouldn’t work out. We were so different…. are so different– but i feel light headed still when i talk to him. *shakes her head*

I’m still in the high school frame of mind. Thinking that ‘liking’ a guy is enough to make a lasting relationship on. Not common interests, or anything like that.

Which reminds me, my friend Lynn (who was the friend i was reminiscing with) has common interests with Gert. Maybe I’ll see what i can do with that….

And I bet you’re wonderign why i’m setting up my friends with guys I like. Well. I’ve come to the decision, no one would be happy with me anyway, so i’ll pair friends with friends, and see what happens…. I”m no Miss Match, but whatever. 🙂

Derringer Meryl [Got Gadittude?] Out

*imagines herself at a pulpit with all of the men in her life, who ever did her wrong. You might recognize some of the usual suspects*

I’m better now. Better than i ever was before i ran into you. I’m stronger, I’m happier, and i couldn’t imagine my life any other way.

*turns to all of her former romantic interests* and you. I don’t need any of you. I’m perfectly happy without your love, or desire, or even lust. I’m great. In fact, i’m better than great. I’m fan-friggin’-tastic. I’ve found someone new, someone who loves me the way I am, who sees the person i am, sees that i’m broken, and loves me anyway. He doesn’t care about any of this shit you broke up with me for, hell, not even broke up with, rejected me for. And I see now with a clarity that is granted from God that every time any of you pushed me away, or turned away, or even laughed in my face, that it was your own freaking insecurities that you were projecting onto me. I hope you live a sad and lonely life–

you deserve it.

*turns to her most recent fling* and you. I can’t believe i spent so much time, poured so much emotion into a bottomless pit like you. I admit, you are everything that i wanted, but i somehow, in all my wet dreams, in all my endless wishing for something better, forgot to mention that i wanted to be equally desired back. I don’t know how i could forget that. I gave you my heart, and you gave me your hand. No… I guess you didn’t even give me that, you offered it and took it away, like i was some kind of five year old who would be amused by this trick. Like I’d wonder– what happened? Where did it go? and then when you extended it again, be simply happy with the fact you put it out for me to have again.

*returns to addressing the whole crowd* I realize that everything that happened between us, wasn’t completely your fault. I fantasized, and put you in that fantasy, and it wasn’t fair to you. That doesn’t excuse your reaction– no, your rejection. *whispers mainly for herself* I can’t count the times i wished someone would be waiting at my house for me with flowers. waiting. just waiting for me. but i guess i’m never good enough to wait for. *looks to her fling, still whispering* the times i replayed that night in my head, wishing i’d kissed you before you’d rejected me. and how now i wish you’d be waiting at my house, not even with flowers, i just want what little we had back. i just want the companionship.

*crumbles to the floor in tears* I want to take back all of the times i teased you, all of the bad things you didn’t like, i’d do it all over again, if i could just keep you this time.

Derringer Meryl [healing process] Out