Undone

*imagines herself at a pulpit with all of the men in her life, who ever did her wrong. You might recognize some of the usual suspects*

I’m better now. Better than i ever was before i ran into you. I’m stronger, I’m happier, and i couldn’t imagine my life any other way.

*turns to all of her former romantic interests* and you. I don’t need any of you. I’m perfectly happy without your love, or desire, or even lust. I’m great. In fact, i’m better than great. I’m fan-friggin’-tastic. I’ve found someone new, someone who loves me the way I am, who sees the person i am, sees that i’m broken, and loves me anyway. He doesn’t care about any of this shit you broke up with me for, hell, not even broke up with, rejected me for. And I see now with a clarity that is granted from God that every time any of you pushed me away, or turned away, or even laughed in my face, that it was your own freaking insecurities that you were projecting onto me. I hope you live a sad and lonely life–

you deserve it.

*turns to her most recent fling* and you. I can’t believe i spent so much time, poured so much emotion into a bottomless pit like you. I admit, you are everything that i wanted, but i somehow, in all my wet dreams, in all my endless wishing for something better, forgot to mention that i wanted to be equally desired back. I don’t know how i could forget that. I gave you my heart, and you gave me your hand. No… I guess you didn’t even give me that, you offered it and took it away, like i was some kind of five year old who would be amused by this trick. Like I’d wonder– what happened? Where did it go? and then when you extended it again, be simply happy with the fact you put it out for me to have again.

*returns to addressing the whole crowd* I realize that everything that happened between us, wasn’t completely your fault. I fantasized, and put you in that fantasy, and it wasn’t fair to you. That doesn’t excuse your reaction– no, your rejection. *whispers mainly for herself* I can’t count the times i wished someone would be waiting at my house for me with flowers. waiting. just waiting for me. but i guess i’m never good enough to wait for. *looks to her fling, still whispering* the times i replayed that night in my head, wishing i’d kissed you before you’d rejected me. and how now i wish you’d be waiting at my house, not even with flowers, i just want what little we had back. i just want the companionship.

*crumbles to the floor in tears* I want to take back all of the times i teased you, all of the bad things you didn’t like, i’d do it all over again, if i could just keep you this time.

Derringer Meryl [healing process] Out