Undone

You are… YOU WERE MEANT FOR ME. Time heals all wounds… but you know better.

What Jewel song are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

I love Quizzes. I got this one off of HPgirl’s Live Journal *smiles* I’m no good with quick names. She mentions everyone’s real names in her Journal, but I sincerely don’t think she’s ever mentioned me. That’s okay. You wouldnt’ know anyway, right?

I need to add a little banner for her on my little side bar there. *smirks*

I’m still here, all hurt and what not. I really hope my foot feels better by tomorrow. I have a stint at work, and while I’d enjoy feeding off their sympathy for me (honest, I’m an emotional vampire, and it feels nice.) i’d rather not. I prefer concern, as other things seem to not satisfy the craving as much. *smiles* I’m a bad girl for manipulating people so…. but how can you replace genuine concern for someone, it’s a rush, I tell you, A RUSH! *blinks* And I couldn’t sound more like a psycho, could i?

Maybe, but it’s not something i’m trying for, at least right now. Wudan didn’t come to get his son today, his wife did, so it was a little weird. I thought i was still asleep… (as I have been for most of today) Blah. I needed some information from him on a job for Marco. *Frowns* Poor Marco. *smiles Nicely* One of my bestest friends ever.

Oi, Now I remember what I was going to write about! FFX-2 the first Final Fantasy Sequel ever! oKay, I must tone down the exclamation points, but i’ve been playing the demo today, and the fact that you can make the characters dress up like Pop-Idols and sing to kill the monsters (well sorta, sing to cast spells, they can’t actually kill the monster… which is quite annoying…) is very very entertaining to me. I have to get used to the Active time Battle again (oi, it’s a bit of a pain, especially with gun slingers…) And I’m glad it’s got strong female characters as role models for little girls…. (and as Eye candy for grown up boys. I know how it is, I work in a fetching game store…. I am eye candy.) I just wish more people would realize that even Rayne (from Blood Rayne) could be a good role model for children. She doesn’t take none of that NAZI crap! She’ll suck your blood and use you as a shield, yo! *smirks* Okay, maybe not for really young girls, but for girls who are in their teens and are having problems with the Male Pigs out there in the world. (as I did) You’re not ANYONE’S stepping stone, baby-maker, or dinner cooker. You do what you want… if he wants food… he can get off his lazy butt and do it himself. Let him miss five minutes of his precious hockey game, or quality television like “Debbie Does Dallas”

Honestly. I’ve run into guys like this. I worked with guys like this, I serve guys at my store like this. It sickens me. I’d rather vomit on their shoes than sell them a game i know is serving as some sort of sick subsitute for a girlfriend. (And i mean the sickest kind of substitute…. some of those games do NOT come back looking pretty….) *shudders* I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again. The programmers in Japan, are very lonely lonely men. LONELY

Derringer Meryl [Enemy Inside of Me!] Out

I’m all laid up right here… that is to say, I can move about the house as easily… at all. I got some warts frozen off of my foot…. and it sorta sucks… I got new slippers and a new pair of Nightmare before Christmas Socks though… so that’s a happy. 🙂

I’ve jsut been spending today thinking, and wondering, and moving my little brain forward, instead of back… because back is counter productive, right?

something that i’ve noticed is that all good writers are liars. Exaggerators, whatever. I mean, you take the truth, and then you make it a drama. A really big horrible, earth shattering drama. Maybe that’s why I used to have a therapist, because i can’t seem to control the need to lie and it gets me into trouble. I don’t lie about stuff that matters… like stealing (never done it, won’t ever do it.) or emotions. I don’t exaggerate on any emotion except pain. (Not like ow… my foot, but like, you rat monger, you broke my heart! type pain) I tend to go for the guilt. I’m a bad girl. But ya know, i’m always willing to guilt myself into feeling bad… .so i’m an equal opportunity guilt person…. okay?

*sighs* Right. But I do, exaggerate a lot. Never about love, or those type feelings. But about situations. I never quite get the words right, and i tend to make people sound cooler than they are. Insert a few words into their mouth. I listen to what people say, and think of fifty other ways to say it, that could sound better, dirtier, or more sympathetic. I love the English Language.

And If you dont’ mind, i have to go crawl back up the stairs, so I can sleep…. and hopefully remember my dreams– because i’d like to know who i dream about. … maybe.

Derringer Meryl [Dreaming of ….?] Out

I’m a conflicted little girl. (I was going to say git, but whatever.) I’m just all, here, and then i’m all, there, and it’s getting really annoying.

I gave monkey the ring he made me back last night. *shrugs* I don’t know if he even noticed, but i felt much lighter. I’ve decided to just give in to what he wanted, which was a professional working relationship. I don’t have that kind of relationship with the rest of the guys at work, but he wants it…. so he’s getting it. Oh, and is he going to get it. *eyes begin to well, lip trembles* i felt better though. I honestly did. I was icy, I was platonic, and there was no emotion behind my actions…. unless you count hurt, and pain. *bites her lip* but it’s my own fault. and that’s that.

I did this.

And I”m a permanent life time member of LDSmingles.com now. It’s really fun, and exciting… but every time I meet someone, i’m constantly going “Oh, Gert does that!” or “Gert would find that pretty funny.” and it’s basically what my mind focus’ on now days. *looks down* I tried to get transferred to Dateless’ store (Who in relation, is apparently not so dateless…) but he said Gert would have to approve it– and so I’m back at square one. I mean what am I supposed to do? “Can I switch stores? Because Of Monkey, and mostly because I like you, and i want to see if it’s just a proximity crush, and if it would really last, and if you’re even interested at all… That’s why i’d like to switch Gert”

How about, NO!

There is no way that I, completely sober and ready for work, would say that to Gert’s face, or even over the phone…. or even like to a facsimile of him. I dont’ think so. Not now, not ever. I’m too…. what’s the word… stupid.

*sighs deeply* and I really could use some useful advice. And basically all i’m getting is a whole bunch of “I don’t know what you should do” or grunts while someone is playing some video game….

but there is no way whatsoever I’ll go back to my therapist. I can do this on my own….. With God. I can do this with God, and I won’t need anyone else. I’m positive.

Derringer Meryl [Think, Think, Think] Out

One Last Spew, for you! I love it, It’s Special to me, And I’m getting SOOO Much better, you wouldn’t believe. This song isn’t for the person the last song was for, completely different (see, I’m moody, aren’t i?)

Wallflowers,Closer to you

How soft a whisper can get

When you’re walking through a crowded space

I hear every word being said

And I remember that everyday

I get a little bit closer to you

How long an hour can take

When you’re starting into open space

When I feel I’m slipping further away

I remember that everyday

I get a little bit closer to you

These are the days

That I won’t get back

I won’t hear you cry

Or hear you laugh

And when it’s quite

And I don’t hear a thing

I can always hear you breathe

You know there’s nowhere else

I’ve wanted to be

Than be there when you need me

I’m sorry too

But don’t give up on me

And just remember that when you get asleep

I got a little bit closer to you

Derringer Meryl [Stand a Little Closer] Out

I’m a bit of a sinner, never a good enough saint, so here it is, the lyric spew of Halloween. Crush, Mandy Moore

You know everything that I’m afraid of

You do everything I wish I did

Everybody wants you everybody loves you

I know I should tell you how I feel

I wish everyone would disappear

Every time time you call me I’m too scared to be me

And I’m too shy to say

Ooh I got a crush on you

I hope you feel the way that I do

I get a rush

When I’m with you

Ooh I’ve got a crush on you

A crush on you

You know I’m the one that you can talk to

And sometimes you tell me things that I don’t want to know

I just want to hold you

And you say exactly how you feel about her

And I wonder could you ever think of me that way

Ooh I got a crush on you

I hope you feel the way that I do

I get a rush

When I’m with you

Ooh I’ve got a crush on you

A crush on you

Ooh I wish I could tell somebody

But there’s no one to talk to nobody knows

I’ve got a crush on you

A crush on you I got a crush

You say everything that no one says

But I feel everything that you’re afraid to feel

I will always want you I will always love you

I’ve got a crush

Okay, so i’m sad. I’m pathetic. I’m drowning. this song isn’t totally accurate for the situation, I’m going to break it down, verse by verse, okay?

You know everything that I’m afraid of / You do everything I wish I did / Everybody wants you everybody loves you

Basically, this says, you’re everything i wish i could be. You’re everything that i admire. it really is an amazing line. (forgive my typing, i have fake finger nails on for the holiday. 🙂 this person (she’s singing about) knows her so well, that it’s impossible to understand.

I know I should tell you how I feel / I wish everyone would disappear / Every time time you call me I’m too scared to be me / And I’m too shy to say….

The person really matters to her, and makes her feel nervous, so she can’t admit…. her feelings (pretty self explanatory.)

Ooh I got a crush on you / I hope you feel the way that I do / I get a rush / When I’m with you / Ooh I’ve got a crush on you / A crush on you

This is where it sorta splits. I don’t really have ROMANTIC feelings for this person. I do care. I do care a TON. I wish i could take back all of the horrid things i’ve done to put us in the situation we’re in now. I really blame myself for the lack of contact we have. I do get a rush when i’m with him. Not a sexual thing, i’ve discovered that now…. that there wasn’t much chemistry there that way…. but i miss the way i felt when i was with him. I could be natural, and he was always…. he was good about it. and i messed it up, nicely.

You know I’m the one that you can talk to / And sometimes you tell me things that I don’t want to know / I just want to hold you / And you say exactly how you feel about her / And I wonder could you ever think of me that way

He doesn’t talk to me …. about him. Just light chit chat. Work stuffs… and he doesn’t know it, but i can read him. i can see what he doesn’t say. i can see his feelings for other people. People i know i can never, ever, measure up to. I’m not smart enough, pretty enough, or witty enough. All i want is to be good enough….. good enough to be a friend again…. so we can spend time together. And it kills me every time i see him, because he has every right to act the way he does, to not want to come over and spend time with me…. to hate me. In fact, i wish he did hate me, so i at least could understand where i was with all of this.

Ooh I wish I could tell somebody / But there’s no one to talk to nobody knows / I’ve got a crush on you / A crush on you I got a crush

that’s crap, throw that line out, pretty much every one knows how i feel…. except the fact that i feel like a buge idiot for how i acted. How i act. I don’t hate him. I don’t love him (in a romantic sense) but i care. I care so much, and his lack of caring for me back, burns so deeply.

You say everything that no one says / But I feel everything that you’re afraid to feel / I will always want you I will always love you / I’ve got a crush

He says that things are okay, when i know the rest of the world would say they aren’t. I know they aren’t… but he always says it’s okay. And i do feel everything he’s afraid to feel, he’s afraid to care, i’m not sure why– but i care so much, and i guess it’s my burden… for the horrible stuff i did, to feel this way. This caring, and to be scorned. It’s my reward. Yeah, i’ll always want him, want to be near him, want to have his company… and i’ll always care…. and i have to learn to be okay with the lack of emotion from his side…. I have to be better than I am.

Derringer Meryl [So weak] Out