Undone

is it just my imagination, that if you get away from an addiction, and even flirt with the idea of going back to it, it’s got you in a grip tigher than one of JLo’s dresses?

Yeah. That’s the way it is. It sucks you back in. *sighs*

Poor Mouth. The Mouth. The Mouth I hate and usually despise, or at least loathe. (At the Very Least) He got ditched by his girlfriend after them spending two years of their life together. I guess he really didn’t see it coming. *shakes her head* I wish heartbreak on no one. Being betrayed like that…. can hurt worse than anything. *frowns* I’ve had my own share of “I care, he doesn’t” relationships. It’s really rather annoying. I did one relationship like that for ten months and nearly killed myself (no joke), so the idea of doing it for two whole years, and then having to live– it’s hard. Apparently she just wants to see if what they have is real– like to see if their relationship will last.

I think that’s crap. I think it’s stupid to back away from a perfectly fine relationship and say “Hey, want to screw this up as much as we can by dating other people??” I mean YEAH you’re going to be attracted to other people. Good Grief. I mean, Even during my relationships I find other people attractive, I just don’t chase any tail. IT’s how it goes. So the idea of splitting up a successful relationship because you “aren’t sure if it’s working” is some lame scape goat excuse so you can get out of a relationship you’re obviously afraid of.

Buckle down, Batten the Hatches, and face your FREAKISH fears, okay? I’m afraid of going to college. Like going there. Being there makes me ill. Passing people on the walkways makes me depressed, and going to class takes a will of Iron (I have a will of Aluminum foil, so I dont’ go to class) But in January, I’m going to go full time. I’m buckling down, and i’m doing it. I don’t wanna, but I hafta. So there. Do it. Do what you don’t want to.

I’m not saying stay in an abusive relationship, and I’m not saying stay in a relationship where there’s no chemistry, but don’t bail because you’re bored. Trust me if you’re bored, your significant other, is five times as bored as you. Spice things up, try something new. And if you’re BOTH still bored, seek some help–

Giving up is for Sissies.

Derringer Meryl [stupid vortex of love] Out

Oh. MY HECK!

Okay, it’s not really that. I’m just really really having an excellent day. Uber great. Honest. The Mouth was nice, Gert was charming, and even Monkey got in on the making me happy action….

That could be misconstrued, but i didn’t mean it THAT way. *sighs* Nope. Sure, there was poking fun (where we play a game of poking tag, that’s pretty much it.) and he attempted to do… *coughs oddly* Um– Stuff to my spine… I resisted. *bats away the bad Monkey thoughts* No more! We’re just friends! *Leers at her brain* No more bad thoughts, *mutters something about monkey* Got it brain? Good.

I haven’t been feeling swell. Got Morning sickness (in the strictest sense that i’m sick in the morning, DUH! I’m not some slut girl, okay? Sheesh) I get all on nerves when i’m around Gert, and giggle like a freakish mad-woman. I guess i can’t help how cute he is, and how he acts– 🙂 Right??

*brain does things* Stop IT! I said no more of that, OKAY? Sheesh. Just when you think you have a hold of your brain, you don’t — at all. Meh, Who am I kidding. I have no control over my brain at all. *nods* It’s quite… frustrating.

I got a new addition to my name tag at work (it was feeling lonely at the absence of Monkey’s ring (friendship ring, thanks….)) It’s a little sign that says “Hot” and then beneath that it says “Really Hot Chick, Alright, Giggidy Giggidy!” It’s pretty awesome, and I got it from the Mouth, to add to the shock value, right? I put a similar sticker on Monkey (like actually ON him, his shirt to be exact.)

Ya know, before, like a few months ago, i would have been thinking “Where does this put us? What is going on between us? Does he like me? Does he want to be my boyfriend??” and honestly, that kind of stuff begins to wear and tear at your mind– so now I don’t think about that. Or anything. I go for the funny. it’s funny to poke Monkey and the Mouth. It’s just fun to hear them make noises, or react… 🙂 I like it.

I’m still scared as of yet to poke Gert. I’m a chicken, I’m scared, so there.

Oi– But Gert and Monkey wear the same cologne… and it drives me insane.

Derringer Meryl [Giggidy Giggidy!] Out

Time to lay down the smack down, right?

I’m trying to convince myself so. I can’t bring myself to wreak havoc on another human life, no matter how insolent and insufferable their actions. I’m weak that I way, I guess. I think it’s more of a blessing, partially. *frowns* and in another way it makes me a doormat. I can’t stand others to feel pain, even if it’s because of their own actions. *sighs*

I called Gert about The Mouth today. He didn’t answer his phone, so now he has a message that i’d like to talk to him about the mouth. *mutters* What am I going to do.

And their (his and a part-timer’s) words just keep running through my mind….

Did you ever stop to think that the constant in all of your failed relationships, is you?

yes. I also knew that i was lame. I knew that no one i worked with likes me enough to spend time with me, out side of work. I have a flat personality, an unexciting life, and extremely low self-esteem. Almost every relationship i’ve been in (Romantic or not) has been abusive, in one way or another. I don’t want people to pity me for my past, i don’t need pity friendships… I have those. Those are tiresome, and i hate it. I want someone to see me for what I am, and like me anyway. I’m broken, I’m tired, I’m ragged, and GOOD GRIEF, i’m not the prettiest thing you’ll ever see, but i’m alive… and i have emotions, no matter how well hidden they are– they’re there. Inside, burning and seething and controlling me.

I don’t plan on masking how I feel every day for the next however long. I can’t quit, and I don’t want to be fired– I just want resolution. Quite honestly, I don’t know one woman who enjoys being called a “Bitch” on a frequent basis, if at all. I don’t enjoy having my low points being joked about. If i was comfortable with my low points, i’m fairly sure i still wouldn’t be comfortable about them being joked about. I’m not saying that i’m the only one who feels this way, that has crappy stuff happen to them…. but i’m the only one who can feel what i’m feeling, just like any other person.

No one deserves to be treated the way i’ve been treated, Not even the lowest of people. Not Drug Addicts, Not Whores, Not Crime Lords. Not one of them. Not even the Mouth HImself.

It’s not right. Not now, not ever.

Derringer Meryl [ticked off] Out

Possibly the worst day at work ever.

I’ve been told that i’m whiny (okay so YES, I am, but you got to do what you do best, right?), Lame, *mutters off a few questionable words she’s been called* and i’m not feeling so awesome about it.

Cause everyone loves being called a bitca, and it’s so much fun being told that you’re the wet blanket and annoying….. I know I am. I know i’m the outcast at work. I know that no one there likes me that much, and that they’d really like to vote me off of the little island that is the store. I’m not their favorite person. I’m not anyone’s favorite ANYTHING. Cause i’m me, I keep it real, and i say what needs to be said. And Yeah, I’m a nice girl. I’m trying to stop swearing so much, and i’m trying to be nicer, and i smile my way through being called all these horrible things… and i don’t know how i’m going to do it anymore.

really. I love my job. and I love working there, i really enjoy Artemis and Gert…. They’re funny and they’re great. They tease me, but it’s okay, because i know them more than i know THE MOUTH…. i know it’s insane … i know that i need to give him more of a chance to get to know me… and me to know him….

but from what i’ve seen so far I dont’ care to know him. At all. Ever. No. I hope he gets his tongue cut out by some thief on the street. I wish he would…. I wish he could just learn to control that blasted MOUTH OF HIS! It’s like he has no consideration for another human being ever.

I’d never consider myself ‘straight-laced’ not even. No way. But I figure, first comes the friendship, then the casual joking and the calling of names. When I know he doesn’t really mean it. NOW, I don’t know that. It’s a thing that I don’t know. I don’t have a tough skin. I’m not a brave girl. And yeah, when he calls me a bitch, i want to sit down and cry. But I can’t because there’s work to be done, and things to do.

*mutters* What a jerk.

Oh Yeah. I have a test tomorrow… .how much does that suck?

Derringer Meryl [Exhausted] Out

Still Gimpy… and I now get to experience three hours of standing. just standing, and talking and helping annoying people get their fetching video games.

I no likie this idea. Bad bad idea.

Derringer Meryl [Chronological Order] Out