Undone

Time to lay down the smack down, right?

I’m trying to convince myself so. I can’t bring myself to wreak havoc on another human life, no matter how insolent and insufferable their actions. I’m weak that I way, I guess. I think it’s more of a blessing, partially. *frowns* and in another way it makes me a doormat. I can’t stand others to feel pain, even if it’s because of their own actions. *sighs*

I called Gert about The Mouth today. He didn’t answer his phone, so now he has a message that i’d like to talk to him about the mouth. *mutters* What am I going to do.

And their (his and a part-timer’s) words just keep running through my mind….

Did you ever stop to think that the constant in all of your failed relationships, is you?

yes. I also knew that i was lame. I knew that no one i worked with likes me enough to spend time with me, out side of work. I have a flat personality, an unexciting life, and extremely low self-esteem. Almost every relationship i’ve been in (Romantic or not) has been abusive, in one way or another. I don’t want people to pity me for my past, i don’t need pity friendships… I have those. Those are tiresome, and i hate it. I want someone to see me for what I am, and like me anyway. I’m broken, I’m tired, I’m ragged, and GOOD GRIEF, i’m not the prettiest thing you’ll ever see, but i’m alive… and i have emotions, no matter how well hidden they are– they’re there. Inside, burning and seething and controlling me.

I don’t plan on masking how I feel every day for the next however long. I can’t quit, and I don’t want to be fired– I just want resolution. Quite honestly, I don’t know one woman who enjoys being called a “Bitch” on a frequent basis, if at all. I don’t enjoy having my low points being joked about. If i was comfortable with my low points, i’m fairly sure i still wouldn’t be comfortable about them being joked about. I’m not saying that i’m the only one who feels this way, that has crappy stuff happen to them…. but i’m the only one who can feel what i’m feeling, just like any other person.

No one deserves to be treated the way i’ve been treated, Not even the lowest of people. Not Drug Addicts, Not Whores, Not Crime Lords. Not one of them. Not even the Mouth HImself.

It’s not right. Not now, not ever.

Derringer Meryl [ticked off] Out