Undone

*hums to the music* Right, so i went to my first day of school, in like, forever… okay it’s like my normal break from school, only i go monday through thursday (also known as rsday) and it’s only an hour class. I don’t know anyone, but the teacher is funny, and cusses from time to time– so i’m good.

I have a class later on this evening, Church history… which i’ll be attending with my brother, maybe. *shrugs* He’s the passive king and sure i might be the princess of “Idontwanttostanduptomyparentssoilljustdowhattheysay” but i’m far from passive, I have a bit of a back bone and i attempted to get the point across that i can make good choices all by myself.

The thing is, *coughs, then clears her throat* Why I don’t want to be in College by Derringer Meryl

First, I feel WAY-Y-Y-Y out of place because… well i feel like i’m five years old, despite the fact that i’m not, when i’m around people who attend college. They talk and the lingo makes me feel out of place.

Second, I have the maturity level of an amoeba, or the average College Age boy, which ever you choose to pick. I’d go with the amoeba. At least they asexually reproduce, and, they ask a girl before they begin to grope…. Just kidding. 😀

Third, and last, because you sit in silence before the professor comes in. I mean stone dead silence. Like you’re getting ready to take the SAT and no one can talk because it’s against the rules… cause you might cheat. I hate the silence, and I hate everyone being on different schedules, because… *shudders* i can’t pay attention because i have ADD (if you couldn’t tell by the way i write sometimes…. Ohh. Chicken….) right, and so the other noises, and movement, distracts me.

Back on the meds, you say? Never, i’d rather get my brain pumped full of lead first. Depending on my medication bothers me… but then again, i did pay (err should i say my parents paid) four-hundred dollars for the class, I guess i’m going to have to whore myself back out to the medication. *shakes her fist* stupid medication. Grrr.

Anyway, I’m dead tired. I’m not joking. This class runs into my sleeping time. Good smooth sweet sleeping time. *gurgles* Oh how i miss you sleepy time…. right. So I think i’m going to go do the happy sleep thing, and then I’m going to go… *yawn* to my other class, the one, with the religion… and the learning… and yeah, I’m going to sleep now. Adieu

Derringer Meryl [ZzZZzzZZ] Out

Whoa. I mean WHOA.

Ever feel like you’re the old lady on the road of life? Like everyone else is zooming by while you’re stuck trying to figure out what the hell classes to take for your freshmen year in college even though you have to be registered and going by next week.

i worry. I worry a lot. I’m going in the slow lane and people are zipping past me like crazy and I can’t do anything to control what’s going on in my life. Cause just like high school, i have to go to college no matter if i want to or not. It’s not so much that i don’t want to go and learn, i just don’t know what i want to learn, or when or why, or anything.

and things happen to people. Crazy things, with sharp implements, and … happy things with other people that they care about… and unhappy things, scary and just plain life shattering things.

and I sit here, with my car stalled on the side of the road. Watching all these people I care about, get into accidents, and get married and … move and go to college and … all of this stuff, just great and horrid stuff, that changes them for the btter, and makes them learn and grow, and i’m stuck

I dont’ know why i’m stuck at the side of the road. I do things, I try to go to college, and i try to be social, but even when i’m there, it feels liek i’m watching. I’m waiting for an accident, or a happy thing, so i can help, and be happy with them, or cry with them, it’s like my life, is their life.

I live vicariously through my friends?

*sighs* Damn. I am the old person in the slow lane. I’ve aged like… twenty years, and i’ve missed all the fun stuff in life. Like… getting married and having kids, and …. growing up with someone I love.

Tomorrow my friends and I are having a little Bon Voyage Party, because everyone starts to leave for their own colleges this week, and i’m like the Xander of the group… i just sorta drift now. I’ll always be there, but i’m not doing much, not making much out of my life… But steady.

I dont’ know how to explain it without sounding like an after school special.

Life gets too complicated, too quickly. I thought i had it bad when I didn’t know what to do with Monkey sometimes…. how to act and what not,

i have friends aching for something that small to be their crisis. My Friend checked her Boyfriend into the psych ward, and his mom’s gone berserk.

I’m so amazed. And speechless. And proud. She’s had to grow up really quick recently. I’m so happy to see her… growing in ways i didn’t think she would ever have to.

What a day. and it’s about to start all over again.

Amazing

Derringer Meryl [and he walked away] Out

there is no end. This Blog is like some kind of continuum where the fun and moronic acts never end.

Yeah– Monkey and I spend the weekend together, with my family. Crazy funk my family– with their Dr. Mario obsession. We also watched Charlies Angels: Full Throttle which left everyone quite perplexed by the ending, and me wondering if Dillan was destined to live her life alone….

Poor Creepy thin man. *frowns* That wasn’t a fun way to die. Now was it?

And today– I get to go to the local community college and look into classes, even though i think it’s a waste of time. Because I don’t really find any of the classes– well worth how ever much they’re charging for their educational goodness. I’ve absorbed a lot of education, and I don’t want to pay a ton to learn nothing,

it’s this crazy deal I have. Iknow.

Anyway. The trick though is, I have to take full schedule of classes to keep getting my meds and what not. It’s insane, mostly Because

A) Me with out meds– well it basically equates to me looking very pallid in a corner shaking until I vomit.

B) Me in class looks a lot like me with Meds, but I guess I just have to risk it because, not unlike High school, I have to be there AND pay for it.

Derringer Meryl [educationally frustrated] Out

here must be something wrong, You don’t decide to not go for no reason at all.

And what if I did? What if I decided out of the blue one day to not go to school, just because? Or maybe work? No reason whatsoever, just because. I can do that, despite the ‘rules’ society has set, i can NOT do something if I choose. It’s not a big deal.

Okay, so there’s this barbeque at this one guy’s house this weekend. I was going to go, but then I decided it would probably be more healthy for me if I don’t. I don’t need to be all moony eyed in front of …. *gets angry* someone. Okay, SOMEONE. I’m tired of inflicing pain on myself. I’d much rather have someone else do it to me. That’s what a massochist is, I like the RIGHT kind of pain…

this isn’t it. this is the heart-wrenching-eternal-damnation-type-torment….. yeah, so i’m a little crazy, but that’s why my theme song is unwell by Matchbox20. I’m Unwell. That’s my singles (online) name. uNw3ll. Yeah, I’m sorta out there, but you wanna know what–

I’m out there, because I can’t stand living in here. *shrugs*

so I”m not going. I’m not perky (and I swear to God if you want to know the thing that pisses me off the most is being called perky!!) and I never have been. and despite my massochistic tendencies– I am not allowing cetain people to cause me to inflict more moony-eyed moron pain on myself. *sighs*

I know, I’m a freak. I over think things… Marcus wonders why my head hasn’t exploded yet– I think it would be the fact that I take more anti-depressant medication than any other teenager I know. Maybe that’s what keeps me from randomly killing my co-workers who can’t keep a bathroom clean or throw things away, OR dump their drinks.

That and Red. I’m sad. She’s leavin’ on a jet plane to D.C. tomorrow, and I won’t see her for like…. *thinks* five whole days! Kay, Red and I …. that’s the wrong way to start it. I’m friggin’ attatched to Red like a chicken is attatched to it’s feathers. I’m lonely and grumpy when she isn’t here. *sighs* dont’ tell– she doesn’t know. *laughs* okay, so she does.

She’s my best friend, and then… she’s going away to college.

That’s a scary topic. What am I going to do about college. I want to …. I want to go, part of me wants to learn and grow and be challenged– and another part of me wants to rest, desperately wants to rest. I don’t know why I … I should go. That is a statement. I, Derringer Meryl, should go to college.

but where, and why, and for how long??

Derringer Meryl [Complicated] Out

That’s me.

Annoying, frustrating, and always a problem causer. That’s me. Because everytime I decide it’s time to look up some college stuff, they want to know about the tax information. Which means I have to ask my dad, which means he has to part from his beloved television (If he could, I’m sure he’d marry it.) and look his tax info up on the computer.

Not to mention the government requires you to know everything and more than likely as i get closer to the end– I’ll find i need to give some kind of urine sample. GARG! Yes, dammit, I said Garg, and I meant it. Because– I’m tired of little mr. whiney pitching a damn fit everytime I ask for something. He loves that tv more than me, and i know it.

Why else would he spend every waking moment in front of it?

Oh, this is only the beginning of the mother loving saga we call the weekend. Whoever said it was right, “When It Rains, it pours.”

My friend told me on saturday that she may be sick. I don’t mean *Cough cough* oh I’m sick, kind of sick, I mean hospital pallid face, can’t keep down jello because of the meds they have you on, kind of sick. I’m scared. She’s one of the few things I have left. Sure, sometimes I don’t agree with what she says, but she’s all I have as far as friends go. She’s great, and wonderful– and I couldn’t bear to think of life without her– not only for me, but for the rest of the universe. I’m pretty sure– if she died…

God. Why did I say that?

She’s not going to.I can’t let her. She’s…

something beyond all of the words I have, because everything that springs to mind is too trite for our friendship. She’s — the only reason I’m not insane.

and now– on the opposite endof the scale– my dad, the king of pouters. Who currently can’t find out how much money he’s worth. Damn FAFSA. I hope you die. *Kicks the Government*

Monkey Blarney.

Derringer Meryl [once i saw the glory in your eyes] Out