Undone

Why don’t I?

(Warning, lite politics)

I work in a HEAVY political office. I don’t know why. I’m just lucky I guess. I’m like the athiest of political views. A well functioning government is like… the easter bunny, or Santa Claus. They don’t exist. (Sorry if that’s an FYI for you, SPOILER ALERT!)

I don’t believe in voting (anymore, I used to be hard core political in HS) because it’s a rigged game. I don’t need to play the rigged game  to know it’s rigged. I  can see it.

Also a word on the phrase Propaganda: Information, esp. of a biased or misleading nature, used to promote or publicize a particular political cause or point of view.

UM HELLO. Don’t tell me the “other side” is pushing propaganda and claim your side is WHOLY truthful. It’s not. Why? Because it’s a rigged game in which the more you lie, the more you win. Honesty, integrity, passion for your job, those are ALL SECONDARY. it’s about M-O-N-E-Y. Who pays the most, gets what they want. Why not? WE’re a consumerist nation, so why not have our government run that way too?

People say “educate yourself, and make good choices based on that education” 1) I’m not in school for a reason. I don’t like “Doing my homework” and trying to glean facts from propaganda smear articles. Everyone has an angle. There are NO facts. There is NO truth in the signal.

Why care? Why try? Do your best not playing the game.

😀 Cause I can be happy sometimes!

I have finished cutting the “LINK” pieces to my quilt. Prob. with enough to do another twin/queen one. Which would be FLIPPIN SWEET!

BUT I need to get this one done first, my poll for if people liked my “background” for the quilt well enough seems to be a yes (all two people, but that’s ok, It’s late at night) So I’m going to get back to it, only 1000+ more to go!

and in my heart.

Mostly I feel like writing this out because saying it aloud to people feels petty and stupid. But it churns through my mind as I complete mindless tasks (like the painting I did today. It looks fab BTW) all i can focus on is the things I dont’ have. This isn’t… healthy to say the least. I try to remind myself (as I learned from Veggie Tales) that a thankful heart is a happy heart and envy just breeds depression. That’s the last thing I need. REALLY.

Still.

I don’t feel UNHAPPY per say with where my life is. I like my job, even though it stresses me out. Frequently. But I enjoy what I do even though there is little return on my investment of time (IMO). It’s fulfilling to know that half of the department I train in was trained by me. I love coming home too, everyone is so excited to see me. I suppose that would go away, should I ever become a stay at home mom like I want.

It’d be something rough to give up– but I would love to … so I think I could give up the mommy excitement for 10 minutes before screaming ensued. I know the grass is always greener crap. But the idea of not having to stay up to all hours of the night to do laundry/talk with my husband because it’s the only time we have together… that sounds nice to me.

Something else that’s difficult for me. This is an issue I’ve been secretly skirting for a while now. It’s really hard for me. REALLY.

I would L-O-V-E to be pregnant right now. There is one thing I learned from having a miscarriage it is you never ask someone when they’re having a kid. You don’t know what personal struggles their going through. Why they aren’t. So if you’re not close, don’t ask. I always act like the idea is… abhorrent to me, because it has to be. I want to stay at home when I’m pregnant next. NOT TO MENTION the fact that 3 kids and one husband staying at home all day when he needs to sleep is … just a REALLY bad idea. So I am working, every day, toward the goal of staying home. I want to stay home. I want to have another baby (my last) while staying home.

Please don’t ask me how long away that is. Please don’t. It hurts to say we won’t be expecting for a year and a half. It hurts to think we’re going to have to wait that long. Audrey will be 4 nearly 5 by then. It’s like starting all over. I don’t know what to do with that. It makes me pretty flipping depressed. So I try not to think about it. But with like 20 people around me pregnant (That’s a small exaggeration.) it’s all I can think about. that I want to be where they are. it’s hard for me to listen to them complain, when I want to join in with them. I want to have a baby.  But what can you do when it’s just not a good idea.

Derringer Meryl [secret secret] Out

I stopped calling.

It hurt to hear your voice, but to not really hear you speak. That you never returned your calls. I keep placing all my money on you to go against the odds, but I guess I should learn, the odds are never in my favor. It’s not a fifty/fifty chance when you’re guaranteed to lose every time.  Things rile and surge inside me. Another crack in a facade. it’s ok.

I finally made a decision.

 
The whole “it’s not you it’s me” bs that people pass around. Some of it must be true. I know it’s me. I suppose it always has been. Now it’s highlighted. Glaring at me. Obvious and exposed. It’s harder to ignore then. The small irritating niggling things about people you don’t see until someone points them out. I see them all in me. Polished and shining. Blinding. Until you can see nothing else, the image burned into your eyes. Like an old broken monitor, an old outdated image burned into it’s screen.

Don’t worry.

I thought things were good. They played at being well. I was just a place holder and you were my chance to pretend things were different. You moved on, happier now, and I remain. How it always seems to be. That I remain. People walk on, move on, excel, fail. I’m still here. Right where I’ll always be. Stagnating. Which sounds filthy, to be frank. Like a dirty word your mother washed your mouth out for. I miss your mother. She was kind, and warm. Feels like a place that is cold and slate grey in my memory now. The place where you were.

I’ll be better.

I stay home now. I play at being normal. Still. Healthy even. Drowning and bobbing in the flood of my days. Too much to do, but no will to do it. In an effort to stop hurting myself. I stopped calling. I don’t think about the fun things we used to do. I just get by. I want to miss you less, so I think of you less. I reach out to you less. stay inside my head more.

It’ll be better this way.