Undone

So I mowed the lawn in preperation of the Fourth of july extravaganza we’re doing this weekend.  Now my back is In TERRIBLE PAIN. It hurts to sit upright, unless my chair is OVERLY CUSHIONED, so basically I’m in hell at work. SERIOUSLY. I had to take 4 ibuprofins today. It didn’t even dent it. Off to do my physical therapy exercises. I hope it helps.

PAIN, I WILL MAKE YOU FEEL PAIN!

Derringer Meryl [Dyin’ Slowly] Out

So apparently lots of people have the same issue I do, which is namely that when you imagine something you have a hard time… fleshing it out. Making it real. OR if you do make it real that you have a hard time being satisfied with the end product (it doesn’t meet up with what you imagined.

Take for example, my Aperture Science Skirt. VERY retro. I would love to do a full skirt (not pleated, more gored, but not exactly…  like a fitted drop waist top, with piping and inset pleats…) Similar to below, but only a skirt. And the pattern? 1950’s Aperture Science Logo with Lemon-ades on them. (Lemonades= Lemons + Grenades) I don’t think I could sell the skirts (well maybe the pattern I had in my head, but not with that fabric) But a very full skirt, a very DIFFERENT patterned fabric.

I have tried designing the art for the fabric, and I am at a loss. I want it to work. I see it very vibrantly, but I have (as I have mentioned before) stupid hands.

Man. Not unlike the movie Limitless, what I wouldn’t do to have clarity! Ok, well I’d probably not lick blood off of the floor of a kitchen because it contained drugs, but you get the idea. I’d do a lot. Work? Nah, no way. Oy. I do keep trying, I just don’t have (is this irony) a lot of time for patience. Which sounds dumb. I will keep slaving away, trying to tweak things just right the way I want them. Maybe download some fonts so as to not infringe on Valve Copyrights. Eep. That’s the last thing I need! Sued for making a Lemonade skirt, ahah.

I would like to look at something, just once, and say “you turned out just right” Maybe it’s just me, maybe I’m just never satisfied with how things are. I need something just more. Maybe I should work for looking at the good in things instead of being unsatisfied.

I have had it up to here (hand waaaaaaaaaaaaay over head) with my teeth and dental work. I’m about to say “screw it, rip em out” I mean… I hate getting my teeth drilled. OH and I have 4 more fillings and a crown to do! HUZZAH. Oh and we’ve ran out of dental insurance. So we pay for everything else now. Boo. Thanks a lot dental insurance!

I have came up with another book idea. I have been jotting at it for a while. (thanks To DQ for my journals that I jot in) I feel like I keep my best stories to myself, for fear that someone will steal them. I am working on it. It’s about a woman who goes insane and eventually is killed by a Psychopath couple. Yep. I’m TWISTED. Needless to say I’ll be doing a lot of research. I need to get a bit more specific than Psychopath I think. I think that’s too broad, too Dexter. 😛 Which is not what i”m going for. It’s going to be a first person book, and I’m trying to decide on if you know the character is always dead (like the annoying narrator on Desperate Housewives) or if you run into it. I think it’s better to know. It makes the story more compelling. I want to know why a dead character is telling me a story. But at the same time, it’s more twisted. You get attached to someone you know is dead.

Anyway. I only work on it really late at night, and my really late at nights are few and far between. I spend too much of my time doing otherwise… like sleeping. Psh.

I have been wanting to go on a Radio show they do here in town (WHAT UP RFH!) for their Ask a Feature. It kind of bummed me out when I realize that I don’t have anything to “ask a” about that I’d really want to discuss with anyone. I did offer one thing (Embarrassing, no i won’t tell you) and Richie Turned me down. he said “Bless your heart” Which might have meant “You’re a brain damaged crazy for wanting to come on our show” Overall, I’m pretty vanilla. Pretty plain, pretty ordinary. I’m not really upset about that, but it’d be nice to be able to say “Hey I did something special! Let me tell you about it!” But really– There’s nothing there. I’m pretty intense about my knowledge on geeky things. but nothing that Cary couldn’t talk about. I don’t really have an opinion. I think Anything I would have to talk about would be controversial, and I am NOT a confrontational person. The last thing I need is to put myself out there and say “This happened to me, I’ve experienced that” and have people give me shit about it (SORRY!)  I guess I could do a “ask a working mom” but honestly — not interesting. Plus DOI, Gina is a working mom, what would they need me for? I’ll keep thinking about it. Maybe you all have an Idea for me?

Anyway. Things to do, people to punch.

Derringer Meryl [happy days] Out

Seriously might be buying my own copy of “go the F*** to sleep”  Cause that is all I feel like saying tonight. It is an hour after I put the girls to bed, and they are BOTH still awake. RIDICULOUS. “Oh mom, it’s the only night you get to spend with Dad? LET ME STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!” Good grief.

I didn’t get Sundays off at work. NO ONE got a shift change really. Which is annoying. I have to wait until August, which frankly, is just too long. TOO LONG I SAY.

I was formulating some awesome blog post earlier, but didn’t get it out of my brain in time. Oh well. I have been looking/drooling over other quilts to make. I think Sukie is making me quilt hungry. Which is sad. I envy people and their hobbies. I am also (admittedly) baby hungry, but that is a whole other kettle of fish that I am squashing as I’d like to lose weight and I’d like to not be working. Both things are not happening any time soon.

We are hoping for a boy next time. I would NOT know what to do with a boy. SERIOUSLY. I was lost with the girls, but I kind of just went with the “do as I’m doing” thing, I’m a girl, I vaguely recall things my mother did for me… So… that works out. I however was not privy to any boy raisings (except of older boys, and it seemed to involve a lot of breaking of things, roughhousing, “not in my house”-ing, and various other parental stereotypes. Also boys seem to have a lot of poor judgement. No offense! I wasn’t the queen of good judgement either. Geezy)  But I am quashing this feeling as much as possible. Please don’t ask me about babies. If I don’t want to hold your baby, it’s because I want to keep it. Kind of. So I’m just trying to ignore that pregnant women exist and babies. I’m taking the “lalalala you don’t exist” method of making it through the next year and a half.

We were talking about gym’s the other day at work. Everyone agrees, hands down that GOLDS GYM IS A SCAM, but that you can occasionally bully them into a good deal. I am not a bully type person. I am pretty much OK with the fact that I am not a person who bullies. I don’t stand up for myself, mostly as I don’t consider myself a person. This may seem odd to admit, I am some sort of thing… that has some personal rights (ie, I have a right to say no when I am violently opposed to something… like rape, or abuse, or some sort of overall damaging event like that) but that I don’t have other basic rights, like time to myself (encompassing, time to get ready, time to take a shower, time to relax, etc) or to have an opinion about things. I should just sit down, shut up, and go with the majority. I do. A LOT OF THE TIME. I don’t haggle prices. I don’t say things to people like “this food was gross, i demand a refund!” I privately tell whomever I’m with that what I’m eating is disgusting — and just don’t finish it ….unless I’m famished. Then maybe. EXAMPLE: Before a book release DQ and I were eating dinner (brinner) at a Village Inn, I noticed my bread was moldy (I was having french toast) and just didn’t eat it. which sucked. I was TOO chicken to tell anyone. (which is dumb, why wouldn’t I say something, why pay for something that came to me gross!?!)  But all the same, I didn’t say anything DQ did. Cause I’m just not like that. I take life as it comes. I don’t say “HEY, this isn’t right!!” Or, in the words of Cave Johnson …

When life gives you lemons, don’t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back. GET MAD! I DON’T WANT YOUR DAMN LEMONS! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THESE?! DEMAND TO SEE LIFE’S MANAGER! Make life RUE the day it thought it could give CAVE JOHNSON LEMONS! DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?! I’M THE MAN WHO’S GONNA BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN! WITH THE LEMONS! I’m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that’s gonna BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN!

I don’t ask to see life’s manager. Life is probably hating it’s job just as much as I dislike having to work as well (I like my job, I hate working) why should I get in someone’s face about an issue when it’s not their fault either? Stuff happens. Why throw a fit? It’s just going to raise my blood pressure and make me more likely to have a heart attack.

Now you might be saying “But instead you just sit there and fume and worry about things. Don’t you think it’d be more healthy to get it out there? Maybe not angrily, but out is better than in right?”

Probably. But I think people who go around spewing their problems and dropping it in someone else’s lap are irresponsible. Maybe my thought doesn’t carry. Let’s see. Let’s go off of the Moldy french toast thing. So If I had manned up myself and said “this isn’t good. I’m not paying for it.” myself instead of DQ doing it,  then what happens? I imagine it doesn’t come out of the waitresses pay, it’s not her responsibility to make sure stuff is fresh, but it does come out of the corporate restaurant’s budget. they just lost that $9 or whatever because they paid someone to cook it and serve it, but didn’t get comped for it. So that’s gotta suck there, I guess, instead of me taking responsibility for it, I’m putting it back where it goes. How was I in control of that situation? How would I (or could I) know that their bread was going bad? Inspected the Kitchen? WHO THE HECK DO YOU THINK I AM? Gordon Ramsey? HECK NO! They’d turn me out and ask me never to come back. Bleh.

Anyway. Maybe I should stand up for myself. I’ll play the game of “Who should be responsible here?” and if there isn’t anyone to put the blame back to reasonably, I’ll keep my mouth shut 😉

Derringer Meryl [good luck and good night] Out

So last week we got some funding that came through to fix up a few things on the house. Namely: The roof, the furnace and the A/C. We are ripping off our cooler (haha stupid cooler) replacing the roof, installing central air and fixing a problem with our furnace (namely the blower) In order to do that, we’ve been taking bids from everyone on the face of the planet. Oddly, I’ve only had one company not reply, I am sure it’s due to not servicing our area, but it’d be nice if they had A) listed that on their website, or B) replied saying “sorry we don’t service your area.” Now they just look like douchebags. Geezy.

In any case, in addition the above house fixin’s we have had to fix our cars. My car is broken… (WAS broken) and leaking coolant. Scott and I learned this the hard way with my Civic, that leaking coolant is BAD. Really in that case it was more of a coolant explosion, but WHATEVER. We are very sensitive to these matters. We repaired a couple of hoses on it and it seems to be a happier camper. I hope it stays that way. Scott’s car is leaking oil like a siv and they weren’t’ sure where from. that’s Saturday’s adventure. we also are planning to shuck the roof free of shingles. Not sure when. But we need to wait until after it rains, get a good time period of sun, schedule the roofers to come in after we’re done, and find people with pick up trucks. We aim to save a butt load of cash feeding some of our friends/family to do this work instead of paying some very nice gentlemen to do it for us.  BTW, if you’re reading this, and are a dear sweet person who wants to help, let us know. You may freely cuss and swear at our roof, also food and drinks and Nice cooshy couches are available. As well as two emergency rooms within 10 minutes of our house incase you harm yourself. I recommend wearing good shoes (boots!) and long pants.

Please please please come help us. Did I mention please? I’m not sure when we’re doing it. Need to talk to the roofers and coordinate there.

Anyway. I am exhausted. I hurt for whatever reason. So I am going to DOSE UP some Ibuprofen and lay down for a while. *sigh*

Derringer Meryl [Roof. you shall be the death of me] Out

I say, “why can’t people just want to hang out with me?” Scott says “Do you ask them to?” and I say “yes. Frequently. They have bailed a lot” Scott says “Give em the benefit of the doubt.” Which is usually my line.

I will repeat “I am patient. I am nice. I can wait this out.” Really though– it’s the same tune, different words.

Derringer Meryl [Say whatever] Out