Undone

I say, “why can’t people just want to hang out with me?” Scott says “Do you ask them to?” and I say “yes. Frequently. They have bailed a lot” Scott says “Give em the benefit of the doubt.” Which is usually my line.

I will repeat “I am patient. I am nice. I can wait this out.” Really though– it’s the same tune, different words.

Derringer Meryl [Say whatever] Out

I have been updating my music list, I try and think every day of a favorite song. There hasn’t been much lately on the radio I love…. which makes me feel old. At the same time I know that music seems to go through cycles of me liking it and not liking it.

I love Weezer’s “My Best Friend” but I am finding myself in much more of an Elenor Rigby mood (AKA, all the Lonely people)

One thing that has been hard in all of my pregnancies is my depression. Everyone jokes about how you can be laughing one minute and sobbing the next. It’s quite true… I have pretty volitile emotions in the first place so to add (as one might say) insult to injury, I get to pump up the hormones and just watch as my stability is questionable.

I try to think of myself as an adult person. I try to act as adult as I can, I often find that acting is all that it is. It doesn’t matter what age you’re at, mean and spiteful things still sting as much at 24 as they did at any other age. You’d think at some point you get used to the way life is, that the world is mean and bitter (just as much as it can be kind and beautiful) but the thing is, you don’t. I find myself hoping for the best in people and just holding out until I’m ultimately dissapointed as I try and try to draw people into me, i somehow (and in the most unintentional of manners) turn them away. I feel like a joke. I have such a deep paranoia and anxiety in me that it inhibits social interaction in a healthy manner. I feel trapped in my mind, in a horribly exposed kind of way. I feel cut off, and lonely…

I feel like I should stop… trying so hard. Scott says I hold myself to ridiculous standards that no one can meet.  I just want to be the best me I can be.
Derringer Meryl [down] Out