Undone

When i was little, my mom and I used to sit on the front porch and sing songs in our glider. We would talk, and sometimes cry. I loved sitting outside on the swing. So when Scott and I looked for places to buy, that was my number one desire, a porch swing…

Our place doesn’t have one, But I do love our house… When i saw it, and came into it… I knew I was  home. So here we are.

Scott bought me a patio set. I am in love with it. It is SO romantic, and SO nice to be able to be outside and sit. i would be more verbose on the topic, but kids are screaming and needing changed….

oh being a mom…

I have an odd passion. It really is odd.

Fertility.

I enjoy talking to people about babies, and not even that, ovulating, signs that you’re ovulating,  obsessively testing, etc etc. I love it. I know a lot about the treatments for PCOS (for the uninitiated it’s Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) and about taking your temp every day and charting it to see when you are more than likely ovulating. I am … a fertility geek. LOVE it.

A constant lesson in my life (in relation to my fertility FBH-ness) is that another person’s happiness doesn’t diminish yours, and to be patient. In 2005, I got pregnant, and i was excited, and it was a hard time too. I came home early from work one day, because I was feeling horrible, and wanted to lay down. I will be honest that when I came home Scott and I got in an argument. After we got through that, I went into the bathroom, and (of course) wiped, the  TP came out pink. I hurriedly called the doctor. I got into see a GYN that day (fat lot of good that did me. hah) and she ordered a Beta test. Now, excuse me while I break this down for you. a Beta test not only checks the hCG (human chorionic gonadotropin), but checks to make sure it doubles. This is called a quantitative beta test. The numbers should double every 24-48 hours. Mine did not. I went in for an ultrasound with my (JERK FACE) Obgyn, and I saw my baby. it took my breath away. I think that moment ruined me for all later ultrasounds, a little bit. My eyes welled up as I looked at my little bean. In all rights, to me at that moment. It was perfect. So sweet and tiny. My baby. I didn’t even get a copy of any pictures. the doctor finished everything up, and let me know that “Oh Darn” there was no heart beat. If I had only thought of that when I looked at the monitor, I could have saved myself so much heartbreak. In my innocence, i fell in love all the same. I will never cease to find it amazing that within 10 minutes, all in one room… I went from the happiest woman ever, so the most crushed, or so I thought.

I struggled for a while, I joined a message board with a section for loss ( I am still a member there) I learned that others had it far worse than me. Women who were not able to conceive at all.  Women who could conceive but their pregnancies always ended in loss, some of them with 4-5 losses. My heart broke. I will admit that even after joining there, i struggled a lot. When a friend of mine got pregnant, I sobbed. when the bills for my D&C arrived saying that I had an abortion, I died a little. it made it sound like i chose that. Like I chose to end my pregnancy. That I had chose to have my baby who I loved SO much die. My little one would have been 4 this January.

I learned to look for the blessing in the pain. To find the meaning behind a senseless misfortune. I taught myself so much. Infertility and loss, are painful things. There are many women longing to hold a child in their arms. Grieving over a loss, infuriated at their own body. I know that I felt broken. The one thing I felt I was designed by God to do… and i couldn’t do it. I realize now that my loss was not a no from God, it was a “Not yet.”

Derringer Meryl [hard to remember] Out

IS BUSY!

Seriously. I’m pretty excited about it all though. last week we had Sukie’s babyshower, which went well. Some people thought I was Wudan’s twin, which I am completely used to. We are at the point in our lives that 4 years just really isn’t that big of a difference in age. 😉 Besides my brother is awesome. So I am no longer bothered by this common statement. I was in charge of games, and it went well, I think anyway. Sukie agreed, and was really awesome about everything. 🙂 I went straight from that to doing a talk the next day for Church. That didn’t go as swimmingly… but whatever. I miss having time to speak publicly, and prepare well and everything. Oh well.

I have been going through a lot of emotional stuff lately. I realize that I have been putting people in weird awkward positions trying to take up some slack for emotional needs I have. I’m a pretty needy person. Anyway. I am working on a lot of stuff. I’m like… day… 25 on my hair and make up challenge. I’m on week 6 of my biggest loser challenge, and have only lost 6 lbs that have stayed off. I need to work harder. Things are just chaotic, and I keep saying “tomorrow I will do better” But it’s rough. I was counting on DQ for a lot of help with it, and now she’s off with her boyfriend… and it’s not her fault, I just need to find more self reliance, and become stronger as a person. So i am working on that as well. I am re-starting (jump starting) my biggest loser challenge as of Monday. Which means no more diet coke and more calorie counting and more water.

In exciting news, I will be an aunt three times over this year, I am thrilled! I was telling a friend of mine that I have one more SIL that needs to get knocked up and I will have Ut Preggo SIL Bingo 😉 Plenty of Chances to throw more showers. 🙂 Additionally, Scott got the promotion he was up for, and he got the shift he wanted. Which means no more driving all over creation and eating out like I was before three days a week…. and now we don’t need a babysitter. We are forever grateful for the many people who helped us with our girls while Scott was working his crazy shift. My understanding boss, Carebear (who did the majority of the care), Frik, Squirt, Midori, Scribbles, my mother in law, Scott’s best friend and wife (who we refer to as Nick and Jessica within my family, no offense guys!!). We really appreciate it, especially since the girls were sick, and stuff. I appreciate there are people we can rely on in tight spots, especially since sometimes we called last minute, or IM’d last minute, or emailed really late at night. We really love all of our family and friends, even if you weren’t able to help… I know a lot of people wanted to.

Wudan watched Kate during the baby shower, and I love hearing about people’s interactions with her when I return. Especially people who havent’ gotten to spend a lot of time with her. She really enjoyed spending time with Wudan and The Boy. I handed off Audg to Wudan to show how fussy she gets around others, but hey, turns out she loves Wudan like me. 🙂  HAHA. It’s great.

Things are good. On occasion I have a hard time remembering it. I have a wonderful Husband, two beautiful kids, and a good job.

Derringer Meryl [I love that you love me] Out

DQ is dating someone.

I”m having a hard time dealing with it.  Which sounds stupid. I feel like the universe is throwing everything at me at once this month, and it’s only the 12th. Seriously. It feels like i’m juggling so much and now it feels like an appendage has been cut off. I realize that eventually DQ had to get involved with someone, and I want her to be happy, I am just having a really emotional time right now. She stayed out late friday, for which she has apologized,  but I stayed up late, adding tired to sick to emotionally wrung out. I am pretty strung out and upset lately.  So if I have been snippy with you,  I am sorry.

Exhausted. This week, I would love to take time off. I would love to sit down and eat a load of junk food. Yum.

ETA: I love DQ. She is my bestest Bestie. it’s like a part of me is missing when she’s not around. I think when she does eventually move out/get married, I will be lost and extremely depressed. I don’t think there are adequate words to describe how sad I have been not having her around. I am immensely happy that she’s happy though, and have a hard time showing it because I’m too busy worrying about her. I totally guilted her tonight into Watching glee with me, but she should try to balance her time… right? Ok, Maybe I’m just a jerk, but I want someone to watch it with. My evenings are lonely. Why could I share her with friends but can’t share her with a boyfriend? What Is my major malfunction?

you’re my wingman goose!

Derringer Meryl [Junk] Out