Undone

Don’t ask me about the title.  it popped into my head.  I figured why not.

I am going to be a mom again on July 2. It’s freaky! Only a few more days. I’m scrambling to get some things done. Such as my dishes, get the garbage out, clean house, get some entertaining TV in order (for Katie or me, either one.) I’m kind of worried about Katie’s reaction. She has been increasingly excited about babies. For example we saw a tiny little baby boy at church and she would not be quiet about it. She was standing in the aisle (as she is prone to do) and pointing “BABY BABY BABY!” of course she wasn’t quiet doing that. She loves babies. I hope she’ll love Audrey.  She has been very cuddly since the incident last week, and loving. I have to say that her stage right now of being lovey but sometimes independant is wonderful. I am afraid of the 2 weeks following my c-section when I won’t be able to lift her. I am trying my best to condition her now that Mommy can’t carry her all the time. I am also trying to carry her when I feel like I can (for as long as I can) because I know I won’t be able to soon.

I am excited for a tiny baby again. In some ways it’s going to be fun. In others, not so much. I remember recovering from Katie (when it was just me and Katie) and that was hard, so I imagine with a toddler it’ll be more interesting and more hard.  I am brimming with excitement and glee.

I am also excited to be done with heartburn, UTI’s, L&D trips, maternity clothes, night waking to roll over (i’m ok with general night waking) and the list goes on and on!

I have officially experienced contractions. They weren’t regular, but they are painful. I can’t imagine that regularly constantly… so maybe it’s best I’m having a c-section 🙂 I’m glad I’m taking the day before off. My brain is warring between cleaning house and doing something fun. I’m hoping to do BOTH. 🙂 I’m crazy like that. I’ll probably try and squeeze some shopping in as we won’t have time after I come home. I think about this stuff all day long.

Did I mention I’ve drank 128 oz of water today? yeah I have. that’s a lot. But apparently I was really dehydrated. :S Go me! I also need to charge the camera’s battery, finish packing my hospital bag… I want to do something special for Katie, but I haven’t thought of what… at all LOL. Maybe I should pack her Hello Kitty bag with some hospital treats for her.  I know she won’t remember this very much, but really the memories are for me. I probably (most definately) won’t get to be there when Katie meets Audrey for the first time. Since Katie will probably get to see her through the nursery window and I’ll be groggy confused mommy off in some room somewhere. 🙁 I didn’t think of that before. Oh well.

Heartbuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurn.

I”m ravenous. I swear I’ve never been this hungry before. I want salad, and salad dressing, some of my mom’s potato salad (yum!) more J-Dawgs hot dogs, a shake (YUM YUM!) Mashed potatoes, corn, maybe a shephard’s pie? Oh sheesh.

Alright I’m becoming uncoherent. I am going to see if Scott’s desk has food. Aurevoir. 😉

Derringer Meryl [FOOD!] Out

Usually, I like to keep my mouth shut about Scott’s scary diabetic things. Mostly because i think it’s embarassing for him, and because it’s quite really not anyone elses business.
But being a hormonal pregnant woman, and being (overall) quite proud of myself this time calling to get assistance.

First of all, let me tell you, I am (and still can be) a diabetic moron. Most people are. For example, I, like most people, used to think “OH he has low blood sugar, let me give him insulin” as if Insulin is some sort of diabetic neosporin and it just makes them feel all better. NO. It doesn’t. Low bloodsugar means he needs to eat, high Blood sugar means he needs insulin. Scott feels sick (as do most diabetics) with high blood sugar. Low blood sugar means non responsiveness, and overall turning into a cold sweaty frankenstein’s monster. Scott doesn’t remember what happens often during his Low blood sugar episodes. This time his sugar (when I got home from work) was 30. I recalled what had happened last time and the operator from 911 had encouraged me to get Scott to eat something. He did this time, however it must have been far too late, as the next two blood draws gave me readings of 29 and 28.

So while all of my insides are going “OMG! my husband is dying right here in my bed, WTH am I going to do?” I have a toddler who is telling me about her blankie and mickey and hello kitty etc etc etc. Luckily for me, DQ hadn’t been feeling good that day, and had came home. I felt bad (only a little, as it was an emergency) waking her up from her nap, to watch katie while I tried again to revive Scott. (BTW< she put really cute braids in Katie’s hair while watching the simpsons. Katie probably didn’t even know there were paramedics upstairs.) Finally it got to the point where I knew i couldn’t do it myself (since I didn’t know where the freaking glucogon kit was, and the operator even asked if he had a kit to use in cases like this. As a note, i do know where it is now.) I was lucky that I knew where his blood testing kit was. Without that I would have been stuck pretty much panicking. Every time I stuck him he got pretty much stuck twice since the first stick never seemed to hve enough blood. Poor guy! Anyway. I called 911, the operator helped me through and I remembered the commercials where the mom is just hysterical because her baby is not breathing, and did my best to keep calm and answer her. I admit that my voice broke a couple of times, but I didn’t cry this time. I opened the door for the police and the paramedics, and made sure Scott stayed breathing. I would say in under 5 minutes I had a total of 6 burly men in my bedroom recussitating Scott. They had me make him a PB sandwich (which he didn’t want, but we got some other food in him) I was aware that they’d have me make him this, Midori made it last time as she was in the neighborhood helping me out.

Scott is fine.  He was fine within 10 minutes of them getting there. They’re pros. I’m really greatful to the EMT’s and the police that showed up to help.
I have always had this unfounded (previously) fear that I would come home (even as a kid) and find someone splayed out passed out at my house. I am a pretty anxious person. I usually can dust those fears aside with a “they’re a healthy person, why would mom/dad/brother/husband/daughter etc be passed out?” I had a lot of fears of my parents dying of heart attacks when I was in Jr high and high school, so I stayed home, as if it’d be less traumatic to be at home when it happened. It feels weird to think about it. Scott and I have always been very open about death and about the fact that he will most certainly (according to the odds of him being a man that is older than me with diabetes) die before me, that I”ll have to cope without him. it’s not a comfortable thought. I think though, it would be incredibly ironic if he out lives me. That’d teach him 😉 Seriously though. It’s scary. He’s fine. He was trying to fast to go and do some testing so he can finally replace his pump, and unfortunately his blood sugar just got too low. We won’t be trying the fasting thing again until I’m home to help him go to the hospital for the tests.

in other news. I’m still immensely pregnant. my goodness. I feel less huge than I did with Katie, but that’s really not saying much as I was the size of a house roughly with her. Audrey will be here in 13 days or less.  Scott and I are hoping for less. I oddly have been wishing to go into labor. People say “Oh why?!” but if you have a child without going into labor (a child that you carried yourself, in your womb) you might understand the surreal feeling it is to lay down, and then poof magic there’s a baby. Even my OB asked me if I was really sure i had a c-section (In reference to my scar, he says it’s barely noticable.) I said we were all there (referencing myself Scott and Katie who were all in the room.) Also a lot of moms who do not experience labor and delivery have a hard time Bonding with their child. I’ll admit, I experienced some PPD that I wasn’t expecting from the choice I made.  I would never trade a happy healthy Katie for anything, but I wish I had known better back when I was pregnant with her. This time, I again made the choice for a c-section (it was my choice, 100%) as I liked my doctor and I DO NOT like the feeling of being passed from doctor to doctor at a office. 😛 That kind of stuff is for the birds. I’m not super knowledgable about child birth or anything, but I know that this time, Audrey has her little head down, and hopefully I can dilate a little, and go into labor a little– so that I can at least say “I’ve done that.”
Derringer Meryl [Smattering] Out

I’m missing something. Well I am missing something. My brains. I have 19 days until Audrey is here, and I”m fairly sure she has stolen the largest portion of my working brain. I feel like I’m taking crazy pills here people! I am missing some of my newborn clothes. I know that what I’ve found is NOT all of them. I am missing TOO many. I do want to pick up like a pack or two of onesies (I have an illness, baby clothes are like kryptonite, I’m too weak to resist. What a poorly worded reference…. moving on.) just so that everything that Audrey wears isn’t a hand me down. Though She is getting some new clothes too, thanks to my love of Carters. **LOOOOOOOVE**

My foot is swelling. The feet trade off which one is swelling worse. I bougth Audrey a lovie blanket a lot like Katie’s (so soft) Which I’m trying to keep away from Katie who is a blanket horder. LOL. If Audrey is like Katie, she won’t love blankets until she’s 2 anyway. 🙂

I feel like I”m not doing anything special to celebrate Audrey.I keep thinking that I need to do something. Katie got letters (spelling Kate) for her wall (which aren’t hanging up because there’s no room! Thus why I haven’t done it this time!) I haven’t made her a blanket, I haven’t done a dang thing! (though I technically have sock monkey fabric that If I had my act together would make a great blanket for her. But it’s not going to happen in 19 days. 🙁 So let’s just sigh, roll our eys on move on.) I do want to make some burp cloths because mine have dissappeared in the great baby clothes loss. Seriously, I had some cute things that have gone missing… and some cute things that have been perma stained by baby puke.

I remember after Katie had smeared something all over a super cute outfit and I was crying about it in the bathroom that I needed to A) calm down and B) get a grip. It was clothes. I had always been taught as a kid to respect the stuff I had and make sure I took really good care of it (Not that I always did, but I can’t remember ever breaking a toy. I broke a bed from jumping on it, and I still mourn the loss of my bed, it was so very pretty and princess-y. I also broke a step stool too. 🙁 I loved it too my dad made it for me.) otherwise i’d have to get rid of it. (Oh snap now I remember the 2 million jewelry boxes I broke. Ok, I was a bad kid, but I took care of my clothes, ok? Though some got lost, mysteriously. I had this shirt with bugs on it that I loved, and that dang thing just walked off, I swear to you!)

I digress… I was crying over a surely ruined Katie outfit when i realized it was just clothes. I love my daughter, and I want her to know that things are important, and we should do our best to keep things nice — BUT that things are never MORE important than people. So I don’t think I’ve shed a tear over clothes since then. Also, a few helpings of Kate Gosselin yelling at her kids about not playing with markers because they’d ruin their clothes sobered me up. It’s no fun being a kid when you can’t… be a kid. I understand that she has 8 and can’t spend all day scrubbing marker out of clothes and can’t spend all day buying NEW clothes because … well dang it there’s eight of them and If I was sobbing from the price of my one daughter’s clothes, then she would probably outright scream and pull her hair out if they all got their clothes dirty…. but that’s the thing. What’s more important? Your kids having fun and getting messy and being kids, or a bunch of clothes? I still understand WHY she does what she does, but what is she teaching her kids by doing it? I just think that sometimes there’s a trade off.

Anyway. I feel like Audrey isn’t as celebrated as Katie was, which is interesting because things have been different all the way around this time. Obviously it can’t be completely teh same, I already have one. LOL. I am really excited about having her. I was just telling Scott the other day that this time i feel more excited, wtih Katie I wasn’t sure what Kind of mom I would be. I wasn’t sure that I could do anything. I’m not sure this time, but I feel more prepared.

But I still feel like I’m losing my mind, like I need something to be more prepared!

Derringer Meryl [feet the size of my face] Out

How much my little girl is like I was when I was little. Such a ham.

Adorable No?