Undone

Despite what I’ve said in the past and how I felt in the past, I’m starting to get really excited to have this baby. I think a lot of the hesitation I felt with Katie (I felt unprepared and unaware… and nervous! I’d never had a baby before!) is pretty much gone. Now I’m just excited to watch another baby grow like I’ve watched Katie. it’s completely bitter sweet.  We’re still thinking on names, not completely set, though we are leaning towards one that the Ballerina suggested, simply because we thought it was cute, and well, we’re cute people. 😉

Still on a desperate hunt for middle names. I’m wanting to keep the Japanese middle name alive, which sounds completely STUPID as Scott and I are white as white can be (both of European decent) but people have thought I was asian before (why? I don’t know.) so I like to pretend in my mind sometimes. LOL.

Life has been busy and hectic. My workload has… quadrupled, unfortunately. So it doesn’t leave alot of time for blogging and chatting and being… sociable. So if I ignore your chat or something it’s because i’M trying desperately to focus on the customer. We’re hoping that things will settle down for us eventually. But if we’re busy it means we aren’t being fired. so that’s a good point. 😉

Scott got a new car, which he loves. He misses his little red sports coup quite a bit, but at the same time it wouldn’t fit two carseats, so upgrade we must!

I better get back to it.
Derringer Meryl [blah blah blah] Out

So I have to say that not a lot gets under my skin. Most of everything that does involves talking. Or I guess to be more broad, the auditory noises that people consider to be speaking in this day and age.  I cannot tell you how many times I remember my Debate teacher talking about how real communication isn’t JUST about being a great speaker, It’s also about being a great listener. I am usually pretty eloquent in my mind, but in reality I’m a much better listener than I am a speaker. I wish people could listen to what people are saying more clearly.

This is the number one pet peeve I have. I have to admit, I’m not always captain attentive. I’m not always 100% on things, but when it’s important, i listen. To me, not listening is a sign of disrespect, and It gets me all bent out of joint. I could scream after repeating myself a few times. I don’t like listening to myself talk. I only on occasionally will ramble on to fill the space of dead air. I’d rather listen to music, but I think, to a point, everyone deserves to be listened to … I feel like sometimes I’m not listened to, and not to strike an too familiar chord, I don’t mean I’m a wounded and hurt that my family isn’t oohing and ahhing over my verbal spewings, because honestly, i don’t want to be patronized. I just want to legitimately be heard when it’s important. Wouldn’t you?

Among all my other auditory annoyances are people who say HUH? like they are about to vomit the word. It’s disgusting. If you’d like an auditory of it, I’ll say it for you in the most obnoxious voice ever. Seriously. You hear the word HUH at least 40 times a day in a way that sounds like dry heaving … you’d want to stab the next person who said it too. I hate when people JUST WONT STOP TALKING. It’s not communication unless both sides are participating. I hate it when people hum while they are waiting for a short period of time (like less than 2 minutes) it’s not like you’ve had time to get SO bored that you need to HUM constantly, especially in my ear. SO STOP. People who talk TOO loud, I suppose with this I should include those who LAUGH too loud. I like things to go where they belong. Work CAN be fun, but not I drank $200 worth of alcohol and now I think everything is SOOO Dang funny… Also I hate people who feel the need to stand behind my cubical and talk.  I don’t have four walls, I have two. and 1/4th. I’m in the hallway.  I wish people would just sit down and shut up!

I think my ADD is particularly auditory. I am not so distracted by light or motion as I am auditory things. I use music to block it out a lot.  I LOVE music. 😀

Derringer Meryl [music gets the best of me] out

Let me start off by saying that this month has been one of the best EVER. which is a stark contrast with some of the past February’s in my life. Valentines day has never been my favorite day ever… and this year Scott worked, but… well let’s do things in order.

First of all I got to attend my brother’s wedding. I have never ever before been able to attend a sibling of  mine’s wedding. (ETA, I’ve realized that this isn’t true, I attended Wudan’s wedding. That’s right. I’m a space cadet. I didn’t mean to be insensitive, I meant it was the first time I’d attended a temple wedding. Also, I was really immature and unmarried when Wudan got married, so I don’t think I appreciated it as much… if that makes sense? A wedding is a wedding is a wedding until you have one and realize how special and important it is being with someone who loves you. I love Sukie and Wudan, they had a beautiful wedding, and they love each other SO much it really does boggle my mind. They may not be smooshy like some couples, but I know they love each other, it is so evident in their manner…. but back to your previously scheduled program) So this was really special for me. It was a beautiful day. I am so happy for both of them. I’m so pleased! I wish I could find all the words and images to explain to everyone how beautiful and memorable the day ways. The Ballerina (as she’s called) was sweet and lovable, I’m so happy that she’s my Sister in law now. She’s very sweet and kind. She makes the Specialist VERY happy.

Then on Valentines day we took Scribbles and Katie to Kangaroo Zoo. Katie bounced and played and went down on the slides, she was having a great time. We went from there to the Ultrasound place in the mall. We had a gender determination Ultrasound, and got some pictures…. I’ll have to get Scott to scan them in. And we know for sure IT’S A GIRL!! I have seen a lot of ultrasounds and a lot of double checking on Katie, so I know what a girl looks like on ultrasound now days. Scott says the baby is HUGE, but we didn’t get any measurements taken since it was JUST gender determination. a lot of people are wary of Mall stores that do ultrasounds, but mine was performed by an OBGYN, he was nice too.  We’ll be going back in on March 3 to my regular OBGYN to get another Ultrasound, in case anyone is skeptical. 😉 Since Katie is going to be a big sister, we got her a big girl bed. She’s been sleeping in it for a few nights, and everything has been going really well. She got Hello Kitty Sheets, and she ‘s in love. Scott tells me though that she wanted to get some “Cars” sheets. She’s in love with that movie. She has seen it at least 4 times today.

Since we weren’t able to do anything too romantic on V-day, Scott has set up for us (at some point, he won’t tell me, because it’s a secret) to go to a B&B for some time away. Scott got a flat screen monitor for his computer (how terribly romantic, right?? I’m like that.) which he’s excited about so he doesn’t have to haul his heavy monitors to LAN parties. Scott finally confessed to me that in addition to the night out at the B&B he has also commissioned a custom necklace to be made for me. It has my birth stone as well as scott’s and Katie’s birth stone in it. I’m excited.

So many exciting things now days.

Derringer Meryl [CRAZY] Out

To VOTE people, VOTE!

We will be finding out (hopefully) On saturday, so please vote on what you think before then, as the votes will be LOCKED IN at that point. 😉 Vote. You know you want to.

Derringer Meryl [adrift] Out

I have been updating my music list, I try and think every day of a favorite song. There hasn’t been much lately on the radio I love…. which makes me feel old. At the same time I know that music seems to go through cycles of me liking it and not liking it.

I love Weezer’s “My Best Friend” but I am finding myself in much more of an Elenor Rigby mood (AKA, all the Lonely people)

One thing that has been hard in all of my pregnancies is my depression. Everyone jokes about how you can be laughing one minute and sobbing the next. It’s quite true… I have pretty volitile emotions in the first place so to add (as one might say) insult to injury, I get to pump up the hormones and just watch as my stability is questionable.

I try to think of myself as an adult person. I try to act as adult as I can, I often find that acting is all that it is. It doesn’t matter what age you’re at, mean and spiteful things still sting as much at 24 as they did at any other age. You’d think at some point you get used to the way life is, that the world is mean and bitter (just as much as it can be kind and beautiful) but the thing is, you don’t. I find myself hoping for the best in people and just holding out until I’m ultimately dissapointed as I try and try to draw people into me, i somehow (and in the most unintentional of manners) turn them away. I feel like a joke. I have such a deep paranoia and anxiety in me that it inhibits social interaction in a healthy manner. I feel trapped in my mind, in a horribly exposed kind of way. I feel cut off, and lonely…

I feel like I should stop… trying so hard. Scott says I hold myself to ridiculous standards that no one can meet.  I just want to be the best me I can be.
Derringer Meryl [down] Out