Undone

sometimes i over exaggerate. Scott and my mom have conferred and agreed that I over exaggerated my emotions on my previous entry. I have gotten upset, but not over anything that wasn’t worth getting upset over.

I still said somethings that I wish I could take back and stuff some place where I’d never see them again… but what’s done is done. That’s that.

This week has been super busy, I found my boquet (sp?) and flowers for Scott and everyone to wear. (cause in the world, there’s only three people: Me, Scott, and everyone else.) *coughs at the vague reference* I’d like to point out to my siblings who would like to throttle the commentor in the previous post that it’d be friendly not to, and I”m sure he meant NO harm by his comments.

I’ve learned to just roll with the proverbial punches.

I remember watching movies (Like School of Rock) where the girlfriend absolutely hates her boyfriend’s best friend. I’ve always hated those girls, and totally rocked out when they get burnt. I’m sorry. If you really love someone, you love who they love. Their family and their friends. I’m safe in the knowledge that I’m not bridezilla, as I paint myself to be, I just don’t always handle pressure well. And I don’t deal well with the idea of spending time with Scott to pick out what kind of stamps we’re having on our invites. Psh. What a waste of quality Scott time. I could snuggle, or talk. Or simply bask in the knowledge of the fact that i’m his, and he’s mine.

I belong. Wow. that’s new.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my testimony of the Church lately, since I’m taking a big step with going to the temple and all… For some reason being with Scott is like some BIG clarification of any questions I may have once had. I used to wonder why Christ would want to Die for someone like me. I don’t see a lot of worth within myself. (If you hadn’t noticed) I knew I was special, and that I was God’s Spiritual Child. I just … didn’t see why it mattered. well… Why I mattered, more specifically.

Now I get it.

I don’t know why it didn’t fit before. I knew God wanted me to be happy. But nothing felt happy. I wasn’t warm fuzzy at Church like the other girls. They were very happy and content. People were always talking about how they felt sad and lonely until they found the church. I didn’t understand why I didn’t feel like that. Why I didn’t feel all sorts of warm and ooey gooey when I went to church. Sure, I’d had a few moments, but nothing like anyone was describing to me. I understood that Christ Died because he wanted God to be Happy, and for God to be happy, all his children would come back to him.

I saw nothing pure or good about myself that God would want. For the longest time I thought I was dirty and soiled. I didn’t understand why my own family wanted to associate with me, let alone others. Now I can see it. It’s like it took Scott to come along and say “You’re worth something, you’re worth SO much” for me to understand. it’s not like he’s said anything different than anyone else has… it’s simply how he says it. He won’t let me laugh it off or look away, or anything. He earnestly wants me to see the good in me. He’s not my Young Women’s leader who wants me to smile like all the other girls so she can have a full set. He wants me to smile because that’s what he does. Makes me smile. Life was empty before. There was no reason for living. Not really. I stayed alive on the simple premise of “If you kill yourself, that’s a straight shot to hell.”

Once I almost Killed myself on the idea that God wanted me to be happy, and there was no way I could be happy here.

I know why there’s a forever now. I know why Christ Died. I can’t explain it to you. I don’t want to. it’s my tender and sacred experience of the Divine. the blessed and happy number nine.

I don’t know it all. I can’t tell you what i know. Wouldn’t do any good anyway…. because it’s mine. I dare you to explore it. Explore why you’re living and breathing and still existing. for the longest time I was a waste of space. Now I live. With a Reason.

it’s new. it’s fresh. i love it. i love him.

Derringer Meryl [glorious day] Out

I’m getting Jazzed. . .

I’m getting frazzled. . .

Either way, energy around the house is rising (not physical energy, just wow energy) so much to do, and so little time.

I’d like to mention again right now that MY MOM ROCKS and is a great person. She has been driving the neighbors around this week (in addition to wedding and regular mom duties) because their car is in the shop. Mom’s just that nice. Super fantastic and I appreciate her so much. And If I had any monitary way to show it, I would. Oh Yes… i would.

Tomorrow is my first Bridal shower. I’m excited. I’m gonna let them stick ribbons in my hair (the kind that are from presents) so Scott has to take them out…. cause he has to take each one out with a kiss. I’m an awesome sport about silly traditions. I demand kissies!

I got miffed at Scott the other day. I was being stupid, and would love to chalk it up to stress and hormones– but I hate it when people pawn their actions off on something they can control but act like they can’t. I used to be in control of my emotions. *kicks herself* The whole situation made me realize that i’m a dork and really self centered. (Scott may try and say I’m not. I doubt it though, I was on a rampage. It was bad. and I’m really REALLY sorry.)

I just got the news that Giggles has had her Baby. A sweet baby boy, NINE POUNDS! Wow! Congrats to Giggles and her hubby!!!! I’m so excited for her!

Anyway. I have a dress fitting today. I love my dress. It’s so pretty. I love it so much. SO MUCH!

Derringer Meryl [Ups and Downs] Out

I HAVE JOB!!!

Okay, same job, new place. New co-workers. Same Company….

BUT NEAR SCOTT! WAHOO! *runs in circles*

and for those of you who think my job sucks, not having a job, sucks worse. 😛

Derringer Meryl [Happies of Happy] Out

Okay, i’ve been making my list for the Open house. It’s of songs that i’d like to be played. 😀 I’m sorta getting stuck, though I was on a roll last night. If you can think of a wedding song (not traditional romantic sap, we like alternative romantic sap, thank you very much) I’ll leave the the list of the songs I have on a list right now, please leave comments if you can think of more songs. I know The Specialist might have a few in mind… right?

Here without you- 3 doors down

Closer to you – Wallflowers

I love you – Sarah McLaughlin

Angel- Sarha Mclaughlin

Why don’t you and i – Santana and Chad Kroeger

i’ll be – Edwin McCain

Embracable You – Gershwin

So Far Away – Staind

One True Love – Semisonic

Heart and Soul – Misc Artists

Eyes On Me – Faye Wong

Can’t take my eyes off of you – Various Artists

Derringer Meryl [I need a shower] Out

I was just upstairs soaking my foot, and I was thinking about how I would occasionally whine about being alone. Now… I admit, being alone (emotionally in a romantic way) sucks.

But luckily for me, God’s seen fit to provide me with the most perfect man for me. He’s even dealing well with the fact that i get all grouchy and annoyed when i’m stressed out. I expressed to him tonight my genuine fear of him waking up one morning, rolling over, and seeing me, and thinking “What the heck have I gotten myself into?” Scott says he’ll never think that.

I believe him.

I used to have this nagging feeling at my stomach every night as I’d go to sleep. Alone. I hated it. I hate sleeping by myself. Just the act of sleeping alone in my twin size bed– makes me sad. Excuse me, made me sad. Now, Saturday night, I fell asleep watching Van Helsing with Scott. I never slept better. There’s something about sleeping in close confines with someone who cares about you, that makes sleeping easier for me. I don’t know if it’s a science. I don’t really understand it– but I know it’s an absolutely GREAT feeling. Being in love.

I was talking with the Mouth on Saturday. Erm, I was complaining to the mouth on Saturday about how stressed I am. Was/am, whatever. I’ve been a lot more snappy lately. Just, rude. I’ve had a very thin tolerance level too. I don’t mean to be angry and upset… but it feels like a whole lot of nothing is being accomplished sometimes. :S I just sorta freak out. Not a good reason why, i know. It’s not nice to snap and be rude to your loved ones. 🙁 and I do love my family SO much. It’s brain boggling how i can love the people who seem to drive me the most insane so very much. heh.

At this point, i’d like to take a side note, and give a brief shout out to my mom. It’s hard planning a wedding. Especially a wedding like mine. I’m picky, I demand a lot, and it’s tough because we’re trying to cut back on expenses, so we’re doing a lot ourselves. Mom has been so great. Fantastic. She’s SUPER MOM! She’s doing the Bridesmaids (and Maid of Honor) dresses. She’s done/working on two quilts. She’s trying to figure out how we’re doing our flowers (which Scott’s sister is going to help with) She’s driving me to and fro, working on her own life (regular day to day mom stuffage!) and i know she feels like her head is going to explode. There is a lot to do. She’s getting stressed. *points at the computer screen* if you’re one of my siblings, or my fiance, you should express thanks to her. My sibs because I don’t think we will ever fully comprehend how much mom really does for us (I can only hope to be like, 1/4th of the great mom she is) and my Fiancee, simply because my mom has taught me so much, and has made me the fantastic person I am now. Mom holds our family together like glue. She keeps the peace, and smiles through a lot of tough times. My Mom is the best mom ever!!!!

It’s gonna be hard moving out of the house. I’ve never know anything but a life with my parents and sibs. (Sibs have left, but they all seem to eventually return now and then) it’s scary. Becoming part of a new family (which oddly seems like a younger version of my own) and living away from what I know. it’s so …. very odd.

Blah, i’m tired. The nausea has diminished, though a poke in the stomach would be greeted with a slap in the face still.

Derringer Meryl [my tummy!] Out