Undone

I was discussing with Sukie how i have bad memory, which is one of the reasons I write in here, and how I forget when i’m angry at people. To be more specific, I remember i’m angry, I just usually dont’ remember why.

Then she said “Don’t you remember what [My oldest brother] did to you three years ago?”

I responded that he probably pissed me off.

Three years ago was the beginning of who I am now. *gleams* The girl gamer who loves anime, and listens to punk rock music. Oh yeah. *thinks* I wasn’t really big into gaming as a kid. I remember Excitebike (the only game i could win) and Final Fantasy (I never played as a kid, only watched) and vaguely metroid and the like. I never really played much. I watched occasionally. I really liked Legend of Zelda, I just wasn’t any good at most of them. I have (had?) bad hand eye coordination…. I love games though. I guess that’s where my oldest brother comes in. I had received a Xena fighting game and my own paddle for the N64. Now. I have four sibs, and including me that makes five people. We could rotate in and out of playing, or i could be bullied into not playing at all. I’m sure that my oldest brother meant it as some sort of gest, but he said I couldn’t play because I was a girl. Now considering at this point he had two kids and had been married Three or so years. this isn’t some punk kid who’s fourteen telling me that I can’t play, it’s my oldest brother.

*sighs* I suppose i have always been really serious about people saying “You can’t because you’re a girl” I hate that. I heard it all through growing up… “You can’t play with our toys, you’re a girl.” or “You can’t come hang out with us, you’re a girl.” Eventually it turned from just being a girl to being “Little Sister” which got annoying more so. I didn’t want to be thought of that way. I never thought my gender would exclude me from anything. It shouldn’t have. (this is what classifies me to my friends as a femminazi. I don’t think radically, just rationally) Well, I couldn’t play because I was a girl. I pitched a fit, I cried, and then I decided to kill two birds with one stone. My oldest brother always took the opportunity to call me lazy and spoiled too. He always said that i never did any work around the house. I took up mowing the lawn because of that. I got a job at, shock, a video game store. I knew enough. I wasn’t crazy whacko to know everything, in fact I found that no one wanted to listen to me anyway… sadly because I was a girl. But I got more involved. I knew what was coming out, i knew what was good, what sucked, and I knew it well. I listened a lot. I listened to Dax’s opinion, which is (was) right on the dot about games.

So I guess I was a bit of a poser. It’s not that I don’t love video games, I’m just no good at them. (With the exception of Final Fantasy and similar RPGS) I get too excited to play properly and win. But I’ve lost so much, I don’t even care anymore. When I play Halo (dastardly Xbox.) I try to be killed as much as possible. That’s my way of winning. Sure, it wouldn’t be very exciting if everyone played that way, understandably so, but I have so much fun. I cheer on the people who murder me.

No use in getting all upset over losing. Everyone does from time to time. 😉 I just get my fair share.

So maybe I could hate my oldest brother for being a male chauvinist pig, and for treating me like i’m five forever. I could be upset that he doesn’t really see me as a person but as a child (who I suppose is a tiny person, but still) and I dont’ do anything but whine and complain and cry– Next time I see him, I won’t act like that. I don’t really think I did this time.

I just ignored him. Stayed out of his way– and did my own thing.

Derringer Meryl [Who Makes You] Out

Hello faithful readers. Sorry I’ve been so grouchy lately. It’s my forte. I bit my own father’s head off last night at dinner for trying to tickle me. I’m in some sort of auto defense mode. Don’t ask me. I’m tending to freak out at anything that says to me: “This could lead to Scott unhappiness” and attempt to avoid it.

if it helps the reader to know, i’m in a new kind of exquisite pain, that I would not wish on anyone, No not even Hitler. Mostly I consider the pain to be recompense for being so mean. Which Is why I usually try to keep myself in control…..

Anyway.

Yesterday, i woke up pretty early, Like I said i would, and got a shower so i could style my hair. All my make up is sitting un-used in my drawer. I don’t need it to feel pretty or normal anymore. I can look in the mirror now (most times) and think how Scott loves me the way I am. Other times I recoil in horror wondering when I got that zit… anyway. Scott got here at Eight-thirty, and we watched MST3000. I’ve seen the show before, but still, it was funny…. though I admit, I wasn’t paying much attention to the film. Then Scott and I went on a search for the elusive wedding cake topper. (dun dun dun!) We looked at other things I had seen that i thought might be good for the wedding too. I have to have Scott’s input, because If I planned this all, it’d be quite an adventure. I realize just now that I forgot to take him to see the lamps my mom wanted to get. *sighs* Oh well. Maybe tonight? We found a guest book we both liked, fits our style just great, and talked about the cake knife. Scott doesn’t want it to be awfully gaudy, which I can understand, and I agree, but I want it to look pretty too… so it’s gonna be a while I think. I could, for all intents and purposes, just pick it out myself, but honestly… it wouldn’t be much of a wedding if Scott wasn’t there, so — yeah. He gets input too.

We discussed the garter event. He was leery about it… and asked a few questions, to which i scrunched my nose up and rather told him he would not be taking it off with his teeth. There is no way. Also, there will be two garters, One for me to keep (I’m picking out a rather expensive one… especially considering it’s a one time use garter) and a cheaper one to toss.

after looking at three different stores we hadn’t found a Cake Topper we both liked, but Scott suggested we looked online, so we did later on, and found this one.

What especially had frustrated Scott and I when we were out looking was the fact that only blonde grooms could marry blonde brides. It was rather frustrating. :-S This one we found has matching colors to us (Blonde Groom, Brunette Bride) and it’s just plain cute. *smiles*

Between all the cake topper goodness, we watched another movie… I’m not sure i”m allowed to tell you…. Hm… Oh well, Scott did it for me, because I love him, and he loves me. I got Scott to watch Harry Potter. Unfortunately it was in the middle of when I usually take my nap (apparently) and I fell asleep. At the end Scott said it was what he expected, it was okay. *shrugs* Still, He watched it, and it makes me happy to know he’s willing to do new things for me. *thinks of what she needs to do that’s new* Well, I did try D&D for Scott. So– yeah. 🙂 I guess it balances out.

We had our home teacher over and he gave us a message (as per usual) and Scott and Dax made little jokes through out it. I was the only one to hear them, but it was still funny. Then we watched a little of the apprentice (wahoo, it was the only non-gross thing on.) and King of Queens. Had some dinner, where I bit my dad’s head off (as per I formerly mentioned) and then we watched some of Record of Lodoss War: Chronicals of the Heroic Knight. It’s not bad, not like i expected (and was told) it would be. Once again, I wasn’t paying much attention to the film. I was just so happy Scott got to spend the whole day with me. I love that. I wish I had every wednesday free from School. *kicks school* stupid School!

So that was my day, edited for those who begged that I leave all the kissy stuff out. (NAH! :P)

Oh and… Happy 500th entry to me!!! I rock a whole bunch and stuff. 😀

Derringer Meryl [Happy giddy Girl] Out

I’m tired of letting you live it up at my expense, I’m exhausted from wedding planning, and only rejuvenated by seeing Scott.

He appreciates me.

On to my day summary 😀

I went to school. I didn’t really want to, I had even considered skipping, but I went and I got to watch Chocolat (the first half) and found out that we’re watching Dead Poets Society in Psychology on Thursday.

Then I got to go out to Lunch with Scott. I beat him finishing lunch (wahoo) though I felt like a stuffed pig. Then we went to look at furniture together. We like similar things, so it’s really easy picking things out together. We found a couch set that we liked. I need to show him the table my mom is going to let us have (heirloom) and show him what’s underneath the oddly colored tablecloth. After that, we had another tickle fight at home. I don’t think I lost, it was just pay to play. 🙂 Which was alright by me. After that I had class, and he had work, so we both had to skedaddle in opposite directions, it was a short visit, but it tided us both over until tomorrow, when we get to spend all day together (I have no school, and he has no work) so he’s coming up early so we can hang out.

I’m sure I”ll be up at six getting ready. I’m all sweaty from the heat today, so I’m gonna get all pretty for scott tomorrow. He says i”m always pretty, but I feel better when at least my hair is styled.

Cheese I’m so lucky to have Scott. 🙂

Anyway, If i go to sleep, then I get to wake up and Scott’ll be here! Wahoo!

Derringer Meryl [All You need is Love] Out

I should be doing homework, but I want to run over what happened yesterday, and today, and just get it out onto the net and out of my head hopefully.

Yesterday (Sunday) I woke up fairly early, read Scott’s Journal, and waited until about nine-thirty to wake him up. I’m not a morning person. In fact I never woke up in anything that wasn’t double digits (ie after ten) until I met Scott. I guess being awake is so much more thrilling with him around. 🙂 I got to talk to him for a minute or two… and had to go get ready for church and what not. I made some rolls and figured out why last weeks rolls died instead of fluffing. (I didn’t put enough sugar in. Poo.) Scott and I went to my ward together (hurrah!) where nearly no one asked who he was. Not even in Elders Quorum. Sorta makes me angry at the laziness of my ward. Sheesh. Bah. What did I expect from the Elders Quorum anyway? Moving on. We went back to my house, ate and ran since Scott had a meeting with his bishop. We drove down to his Singles Ward meeting house and talked with his Bishop. He’s pretty cool. Very friendly. I can totally understand why he was called as a Singles Ward Bishop. 😉 It’s important to have someone who gets to the roots of things instead of vaguely suggesting it. After that we went to his parents house for a minute and then to his friends house. *tries to think up some cool names, but falls short* Well, they’re awesome people. And I got to talk to possibly the funnest people I know. Scott’s sisters and *thinks again* Sheesh this is hard, I think I’ll call her Giggles. She’s just a fun and energenic person, and she loves to Laugh. I hope she doesn’t mind…. Well, i just had so much fun talking to them. Scott’s sisters had to leave at Six, and Scott was awake-ly napping in the basement… I expressed to Giggles a lot of my fears of getting married. All the fun extra stuff that comes a long with it. *makes a face* It felt nice to have someone besides my mom to talk to about it. Some things I just find really creepy to talk to mom about. I love her, and she’s a wonderful mom– but… No. *shudders*

After a while Scott decided we had better go, and he was getting pretty hungry and what not. I don’t know why but I never seem to hungry when I’m around Scott. I think it’s because i just gorge the rest of the time and when I’m with him i think to myself “You’re getting married. Remember that dress you have to fit into. Yeah. And you dont’ want to look totally heinous for your wedding do you? If you eat like you do normally, you will.” Great internal dialogue, i’m sure. I know Scott won’t care, as long as I’m healthy, but if i eat too much I don’t feel healthy. *shrugs* It’s odd. I had some brownies though (Shouldn’t have. Dang it.) and I got to meet one of Scott’s co-workers… or he was his co-worker… *thinks* I’m not sure. They both go to the Singles ward though. *nods* that i know. We also watched Rat Race, which i had never seen before. I got a few addresses for one of my bridal showers (I don’t know how many I’ll have… *shrugs*) and… *thinks* Then Scott took me home. I’ll cut all the gooshy details, but I didn’t want him to go home. :-S Once again, I can’t wait until our home is together. That’ll be nice.

I woke up this morning, did the blog/Journal rounds… I”m pretty sure I pissed off some of my sibs, but I was kinda cheezed. I understand that they all have … responsibilities and what not– and that they need to take care of that… *sighs* It just seemed really– odd. Scott said to me “I thought this was supposed to be some kind of party or something.” and I sorta felt mad at my sibs. Yeah my nephew was feeling sick, and they needed to stop for food and what not. I can understand that. I’m not really mad at them, I’m mad at the way things turned out. Which is no ones fault. I guess they have too many things tugging at their schedules to set some time apart for just sib time. It was poorly planned on my part. I know how it is. It’s been this way since forever. Everyone has some such thing that’s much too important than family. I don’t want to make anyone mad with this. I don’t. I’m just saying I feel that way. THat’s just the way our family is. Family comes after a few other things. That’s how we were raised. I shouldn’t expect more than that.

I went to school. I was silly and stupid– and very much school like. I stood in the sun for like ten minutes, and got sick. (hurrah.)I came home and slept it off until work. (hurrah again.) where I was rude to my co-workers. Rude and in a bad mood. I finally figured out that when I go there now days I just automatically switch into defense mode. Like i need to protect my soft and squishie innards. I feel that way a lot lately. I feel so good and right, and i’m afraid that someone’s gonna try and take that away from me. So I lash out a lot. I’m trying to be better. I’ve just had a lot of people pulling at me. And I feel like some sort of animal in a cage and everyone is poking at me, and when I lash out, everyone wonders why. Good grief, you’re poking me. Why wouldn’t i?

I’m all sorts of exhausted. being in a sympathetic reaction nearly 24/7 does that to a person. I just want to run away from the planning and the questions for a little while. From all the people. I’m not good with crowds. I’m not good with people. I’ll probably spaz out at my wedding reception and start screaming like a loon and make Scott wonder what he’s gotten himself into.

It seems right now, I dont’ mean most of what I say. I’ve said some mean things in the past… week and a half? and I’m sorry to everyone. I’m sorry if I’ve said something. I’m sorry if I’ve done something. I’m fairly sure I didn’t mean it in the way it was taken (if it was bad.) I’m just so… exhausted. THe only time I’m relaxed, is when I’m with Scott. I get all sorts of tense when he has to go again. I feel safe with him. I”m not sure what i’m so scared of, with him being gone… I just am.

Derringer Meryl [gone nutty] Out

Today, I’m lazy. Sorry ladies and gents. I’ll probably type up my report for yesterday later.

I’ll leave it at it was a good day, I had a good day. I had fun. I had kisses. it was FANTASTIC!

Right. So, I had to write a piece for class today– and so I posted it on my other diary (I have another?? *shifty eyes*) that’s for my poetry and prose. I thought maybe you all would be interested in reading it.

Here ya go ( Note, this link doesn’t work. Sorry!)

Enjoy. I have wedding stuff to go do. Watch as my hair falls out from stress.

Derringer Meryl [Busy Bee] Ou