Undone

I should be doing homework, but I want to run over what happened yesterday, and today, and just get it out onto the net and out of my head hopefully.

Yesterday (Sunday) I woke up fairly early, read Scott’s Journal, and waited until about nine-thirty to wake him up. I’m not a morning person. In fact I never woke up in anything that wasn’t double digits (ie after ten) until I met Scott. I guess being awake is so much more thrilling with him around. 🙂 I got to talk to him for a minute or two… and had to go get ready for church and what not. I made some rolls and figured out why last weeks rolls died instead of fluffing. (I didn’t put enough sugar in. Poo.) Scott and I went to my ward together (hurrah!) where nearly no one asked who he was. Not even in Elders Quorum. Sorta makes me angry at the laziness of my ward. Sheesh. Bah. What did I expect from the Elders Quorum anyway? Moving on. We went back to my house, ate and ran since Scott had a meeting with his bishop. We drove down to his Singles Ward meeting house and talked with his Bishop. He’s pretty cool. Very friendly. I can totally understand why he was called as a Singles Ward Bishop. 😉 It’s important to have someone who gets to the roots of things instead of vaguely suggesting it. After that we went to his parents house for a minute and then to his friends house. *tries to think up some cool names, but falls short* Well, they’re awesome people. And I got to talk to possibly the funnest people I know. Scott’s sisters and *thinks again* Sheesh this is hard, I think I’ll call her Giggles. She’s just a fun and energenic person, and she loves to Laugh. I hope she doesn’t mind…. Well, i just had so much fun talking to them. Scott’s sisters had to leave at Six, and Scott was awake-ly napping in the basement… I expressed to Giggles a lot of my fears of getting married. All the fun extra stuff that comes a long with it. *makes a face* It felt nice to have someone besides my mom to talk to about it. Some things I just find really creepy to talk to mom about. I love her, and she’s a wonderful mom– but… No. *shudders*

After a while Scott decided we had better go, and he was getting pretty hungry and what not. I don’t know why but I never seem to hungry when I’m around Scott. I think it’s because i just gorge the rest of the time and when I’m with him i think to myself “You’re getting married. Remember that dress you have to fit into. Yeah. And you dont’ want to look totally heinous for your wedding do you? If you eat like you do normally, you will.” Great internal dialogue, i’m sure. I know Scott won’t care, as long as I’m healthy, but if i eat too much I don’t feel healthy. *shrugs* It’s odd. I had some brownies though (Shouldn’t have. Dang it.) and I got to meet one of Scott’s co-workers… or he was his co-worker… *thinks* I’m not sure. They both go to the Singles ward though. *nods* that i know. We also watched Rat Race, which i had never seen before. I got a few addresses for one of my bridal showers (I don’t know how many I’ll have… *shrugs*) and… *thinks* Then Scott took me home. I’ll cut all the gooshy details, but I didn’t want him to go home. :-S Once again, I can’t wait until our home is together. That’ll be nice.

I woke up this morning, did the blog/Journal rounds… I”m pretty sure I pissed off some of my sibs, but I was kinda cheezed. I understand that they all have … responsibilities and what not– and that they need to take care of that… *sighs* It just seemed really– odd. Scott said to me “I thought this was supposed to be some kind of party or something.” and I sorta felt mad at my sibs. Yeah my nephew was feeling sick, and they needed to stop for food and what not. I can understand that. I’m not really mad at them, I’m mad at the way things turned out. Which is no ones fault. I guess they have too many things tugging at their schedules to set some time apart for just sib time. It was poorly planned on my part. I know how it is. It’s been this way since forever. Everyone has some such thing that’s much too important than family. I don’t want to make anyone mad with this. I don’t. I’m just saying I feel that way. THat’s just the way our family is. Family comes after a few other things. That’s how we were raised. I shouldn’t expect more than that.

I went to school. I was silly and stupid– and very much school like. I stood in the sun for like ten minutes, and got sick. (hurrah.)I came home and slept it off until work. (hurrah again.) where I was rude to my co-workers. Rude and in a bad mood. I finally figured out that when I go there now days I just automatically switch into defense mode. Like i need to protect my soft and squishie innards. I feel that way a lot lately. I feel so good and right, and i’m afraid that someone’s gonna try and take that away from me. So I lash out a lot. I’m trying to be better. I’ve just had a lot of people pulling at me. And I feel like some sort of animal in a cage and everyone is poking at me, and when I lash out, everyone wonders why. Good grief, you’re poking me. Why wouldn’t i?

I’m all sorts of exhausted. being in a sympathetic reaction nearly 24/7 does that to a person. I just want to run away from the planning and the questions for a little while. From all the people. I’m not good with crowds. I’m not good with people. I’ll probably spaz out at my wedding reception and start screaming like a loon and make Scott wonder what he’s gotten himself into.

It seems right now, I dont’ mean most of what I say. I’ve said some mean things in the past… week and a half? and I’m sorry to everyone. I’m sorry if I’ve said something. I’m sorry if I’ve done something. I’m fairly sure I didn’t mean it in the way it was taken (if it was bad.) I’m just so… exhausted. THe only time I’m relaxed, is when I’m with Scott. I get all sorts of tense when he has to go again. I feel safe with him. I”m not sure what i’m so scared of, with him being gone… I just am.

Derringer Meryl [gone nutty] Out