Undone

Learning more and more about myself each day. The Mouth helped out today. He made me feel better about myself. He can do that, he just usually chooses not to.

You’re an INFJ

INFJ

You’re future-oriented, and direct your insight and inspiration towards understanding yourself and thereby, human nature…your work mirrors your integrity….reflects your inner ideals…solitude and a chance to concentrate thoroughly on what counts most is important to you…you like to quietly exert your influence…you have deeply felt compassion and desire harmony with others…you’ll go to great lengths to avoid conflict…

You understand the complexities existing within people…you don’t call a lot of attention to yourself…you like to let your accomplishments do your talking….you look for a small group of people who understand and appreciate you and hang with them….you’re gentle and don’t like violence…

You’d rather have a few close friends instead of be at a big party …you’ll do well in college as your “day in the sun” where your brains count more than they did in that ol’ shallow high school…you want your work to contribute to the general good…

You have a strong love of learning…you get along well with teachers and older people…you write well ’cause you can formulate your ideas clearly… you have integrity and consistency….you don’t like the “politics” at work.. you’d rather be able to talk honestly with people than “play games.” (you still play games on the Storm Palace, but would rather post! 🙂 )…intuitive insights into situations…

You’re quiet yet persistent and determined in your efforts toward long-term goals….when you work toward your vision, you win cooperation rather than demand it…even if you don’t lead others, you still facilitate things… leisure time usually is solitary or involves the company of others particularly important to you…you’re perfectly happy just sitting around with close buds discussing feelings…you’d rather have longstanding friends than make many new acquaintences…these deep friendships are important to you, even though you may not share much about yourself…

You become attracted to someone special and prefer this one deep one over many superficial ones…this depth, though, is only partially communicated outwards…you like a regular “date”, revisiting the place where you first met your mates, or doing other symbolic things that help to continue or confirm the existence of the bond.

You may have an ideal standard of the way love is…you’re often disappointed when reality doesn’t quite match up….you want to give love and be loved… you enter into relationships just to be cared for…even when the other person isn’t right for you and you know it….when you meet the right person, though, you are quick to get involved with them and make it a serious one… you’ll end other relationships to be with this “right” one….

When you’re scorned, you take it personally and retreat inward…you may obsess about the relationship and your role in the failure…you blame yourself for a failed relationship and might even need a period of mourning.

You should watch out for becoming blinded by the idealism of your visions or if you focus only on your ideas…this could make you ignore reality when it contradicts those lofty ideals…you could stay with a belief or commitment beyond what the facts would support (stubborn?)…you’re loyal…

Also, you could lose out if you don’t act assertively and are reluctant to intrude on others with your ideas…as a result, you could keep many important things to yourself…you’ll then feel that your ideas are underestimated or unappreciated…maybe you should develop political saavy or assertiveness to sell your ideals…finally, you should be forthright with criticism of others…you’re always doing the “If you can’t say some- thing nice….” stuff. After you hold it inside, you’ll blow up eventually.

INFJ: “Inner Nuances Fosters Journeys”

Derringer Meryl [Looking for Someone More] Out

How to get to know yourself, 101.

Um. If i knew how to get to know myself, i’d know myself, and then I wouldn’t spend time thinking about it all the time. It seems like every part of my personality screams “You’re just like….[insert sibling’s name here]” and it just makes me tired. I’m tired of people saying “I wish you were more like The Specialist” or “You write just like Wudan” I’m sick of it. I guess most of it is internal stuff. I’m comparing myself to them. I’m not as good at computers. I don’t’ have the kind of memory for that kind of thing (no pun intended) I don’t have much of a memory at all. I can recall billions of useless things though.

I’m not a good artist Like (realises that her oldest brother doesn’t have a nickname, shrugs it off, and continues) The Specialist, or Dax. I dont’ have an affinity for programming like Wudan. I don’t have a sharp tongue Like The Specialist or Wudan. (Though my oldest brother does have quite the knack for deflating ones self esteem.) I’m not witty, or clever. I dance like a spaz, though i suppose everyone in my family does. I’m not good at Math, Spelling or any of the sciences like Wudan or The Specialist (respectively). My collages look like a frat boy threw up on some porn magazines.

I dont know what makes me special I don’t know what makes me lovable, I don’t know what makes me worth saving…. Thus I don’t fully have an appreciation for what Christ did. Mostly I’m grateful that He died for my friends. I think they’re pretty damn great people, and i’m happy that they’ve been saved. I don’t understand what… makes me so special. What makes me worth the time, the blood and the pain. (as well as a million other things i don’t care to list at the moment)

I’m naive. I’m deathly clean in the dirtiest kind of way. I’m lost, and I’m not sure what makes me so …. worth the time.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not all about to get my switch blade and my razor blades out and begin hacking at myself (it’s not the funnest way to go at it anyway.) I’m not suicidal. I’m obviously alive for a reason, and God knows it. I just wish I knew it too. knew what made me so worth while. I’m all work and no play…. but that seems to be what life has been telling me to be. Work to be better than your brothers. Never make their mistakes. Stay true to the gospel. Feel bad when you do this. (which i never understood why certain siblings were allowed to do things, that i have been forbidden to do BY them. Because falling in love for a Catholic is so deathly wrong. Good grief.) Do good in school. Get a Job when you’re sixteen. Get great grades. Make people laugh. Smile. Put on makeup. Look good, you never know who is watching.

I just… feel like not doing those things. I guess that’s why i’ve been going to school in my pajamas the past few days. Because i’m literally three steps away from having some kind of break down. and I want to tell someone. Someone who can make it stop… Someone who can pull me back. But everyone looks at me and diagnoses me normal. You’re normal. You look normal. You’re fine. You don’t need help.

and i just want to scream at them. I want to say how much I hate them. How much I hate them for saying I’m fine… when I’m not. How much i just want to break down and cry until my perfect mascara ruins my perfect mask.

God — How did I get back here? I was here three years ago. I thought i was keeping it real. But the urge to satisfy others outweighs all. To make Mom happy, dad, Friends, Family, Church goers, Insurance Company.

When was the last time I did something that made me happy?

About seven months.

Derringer Meryl [The Reason] Out

I don’t care if you like Fanfiction or not. I don’t care if you watch anime, or if you’re an avid fan. I don’t care if you think i’m the biggest shmuck in the entire world. If you’ve ever been in love, If you ever want to be IN love, and if you marvel at the way it changes things, then you must read this fic

a small excerpt that i find reflects me, and how i feel for my friends, and how i would describe the depth of my love for someone:

“And more than anything, at that moment, I wanted him to love me back.

And because I loved him, I could then find it in myself to go back to the Sengoku Jidai and see him. I could face my feelings, once I knew I loved him, because then I could identify with part of Kikyou’s feelings. I could face myself, because I could never hate a woman who loves the same boy I do, no matter what she may want from him.

And so I went back, and I faced Inuyasha, as he had faced me the night before. I saw him, and it hurt, because I had never loved someone whom I thought might not love me in return. But it didn’t matter then. And even if I’m still in second place now, after so much has happened, it doesn’t matter.

I want to stay with him.

I want him to live.

And even if he leaves me in the end, I want him to smile as much as possible until then.

Because I love him.

And it’s not just that I’m in love with him, though I am. The love I feel for Inuyasha cannot be expressed in terms of a relationship. The love I hold for him transcends something as simple as the concept of being acquaintances, friends, or lovers. I could be all with him, though a romantic relationship would probably be the closest manifestation of my feelings for him. What I feel for him is deeper than all of that. My love for Inuyasha is ineffable. I just need to be with him. And if I can’t have that, then I just need to know that he’s happy.”

Isn’t that some AMAZING writing? I’d love to claim it as my own, but no– alas i’ve kept some such insight to myself, as Kagome (if she was real) might have done herself. Bravo writer, Bravo.

Derringer Meryl [Trancending Lables] Out

Have you ever hurt someone unintentionally? I’m just curious as to if any of my readers are as stupid as me. I remember talking to the Specialist regarding breaking up with someone. He mentioned that he’s never had to do it. I count him a lucky one. I’m tired of doing it. And for some reason, it’s not like a bone. It’s never a clean break. People fool themselves with the “we can just be friends” sh…. stuff. It’s crap. This guy pointed out to me “It would be awkward and uneasy. I don’t want that with you.” and I guess he’s right. So I told him he didn’t have to talk to me anymore if he didn’t want to. So he stopped. And I guess i got what i asked for…. in a way.

But he still seems like he’s trying. Trying to win me over. I don’t know how to tell him that i’m not okay with being loved right now. Or liked, or being affectionate. I don’t know how to say it. I don’t know how to express the fact that i’m not okay with myself yet. Blah, it’s hard to explain.

and i’m tired. and sick, and stressed so much my brains have leaked out my ears…. and i get bloody noses when i sneeze. I don’t get that

Derringer Meryl [Bloody Meryl] Out

I’m tired. I’m arguing with The Specialist, and I have to say that I provoked it. I”m in a magical kind of odd mood. Where I swing understandably from one happy mood to an angry one without warning. I’m slightly Gert-ish. Anyway. Time for a Lyric Spew. Extraordinary, Liz Phair

You think that I go home at night

Take off my clothes, turn out the lights

But I burn letters that I write

To you, to make you love me

Yeah, I drive naked through the park

And run the stop sign in the dark

Stand in the street, yell out my heart

To make, to make you love me

I am extraordinary, if you’d ever get to know me

I am extraordinary, I am just your ordinary

Average every day sane psycho

Supergoddess

Average every day sane psycho

You may not believe in me

But I believe in you

So I still take the trash out

Does that make me too normal for you?

So dig a little deeper, cause

You still don’t get it yet

See me lickin’ my lips, need a primitive fix

And I’ll make, I’ll make you love me

I am extraordinary, if you’d ever get to know me

I am extraordinary, I am just your ordinary

Average every day sane psycho

Supergoddess

Average every day sane psycho

Supergoddess

See me jump through hoops for you

You stand there watching me performing

What exactly do you do?

Have you ever thought it’s you that’s boring?

Who the hell are you?

I am extraordinary, if you’d ever get to know me

I am extraordinary, I am just your ordinary

Average every day sane psycho

Supergoddess

Average every day sane psycho

Average every day sane psycho

Supergoddess

Average every day sane psycho

Average every day sane psycho

Supergoddess

Average every day sane psycho

Average every day sane psycho

Yeah, that’s me. I’m insane. I’m extraordinary, but no one takes the time to know me. And with the exception of Dax and My mom, my family doesn’t know me. It’s like them and us. I’m affection starved. Especially for as large of a family that i have. That doesn’t mean I don’t get it, but you want it from certain people, and they go along assuming that you’ll always dote on them the way you did when you were eight. I’m tired — and I’m upset that even within my own family, even with my own siblings, never an ounce of affection was ever directed back at me. There was a time I would have never imagined arguing with the Specialist, all I wanted was to be good enough for him. And it seems through impeccably high standards, i’ve given up. Maybe it’s all intrinsic. Maybe I’m still doing this all inside of my head. Maybe I was just a supremely annoying child, (I have no doubt) but that doesn’t mean that he didn’t mean the world to me at one point. Which he did. Every part of it.

Derringer Meryl [Reminice] Out