Undone

Isn’t it funny… how everyone feels under valued and under appreciated….

That includes me. I have a major familial inferiority complex. I mean, when you have older brothers like Daxero, Wudan, and the Specialist (in no particular order of greatness) You find yourself wondering what kind of worth you bring into any situation. (forgive me any misspellings, the night time tremors hit me, and they’re getting hard to control) I mean, Dax, he’s a genius at Art. I mean it. He hasn’t been to any professional art schools or anything, but he knows a lot. I mean it too. he’s a freakish genius with both the computer art, and the hand work. It’s amazing…. and I get frustrated because I have all these images that i know could look so beautiful– but don’t ever come out through my retarded hands. They aren’t useful for much. They type, and pick at fat on my body, that’s about it.

Then There’s Wudan. He’s my youngest Older brother (that makes sense right?) and I’ve ALWAYS wanted to be good enough for him. I’ve aspired to traits that he has. I was on Literary Magazine, like him, but I wasn’t an editor, I was on Debate like him, but I wasn’ the captain, I tried collaging like him, and he only says it looks like a frat boy threw up. Like I said, hands are retarded. Very much so…. And I can’t ever be as good as him in anything. God, He was better at a religion he claims not to believe in anymore. I can’t even do that.

The Specialist, I have to admit, is the worst. Not that he’s bad, but i may have aspired to impress Wudan, but I lived to achieve approval from The Specialist. I have to admit, it drove me insane. I couldn’t keep up with his trends, and his music was louder than I was used to…. (I was used to the Little Mermaid, I was like, seven okay?) But I wanted him to say I was okay. That I could hang out with him without my mom having to ask if I could come along. I wanted to be part of the crew. The Specialist, He was an artist to be reckoned with as well. He could argue with the best of them– and I have no clue how he gets all of the facts in his brain to stay there. He knows countless facts and dates and times, and he’s rarely if ever wrong…. Not to mention he puts any of my cooking to shame with his simple chocolate chip cookies….

and I can’t ever be good enough. I can’t ever be part of my own family. I never really have been. I never worked right. Ihad hands that kept me from drawing, or being an artist, my mouth was too slow, and my witty comments misplaced…. All I had were my tears…. and their pity. They took me places– but you knew they didn’t want to. What teenage boy wanted to be saddled with the task of watching his younger sister while at the mall? I don’t blame them…

But the question is, why does it keep going this way, when I’m almost out of my teens, and they’re all well out of theirs? Three of the four of my brothers are married. …. and I have no pleasant memories of my childhood…. except… alone.

Yeah, some things may be hard for The three I named…. I wouldn’t doubt they all have their issues too. I mean, everyone does, right? At least I have the comfort of knowing that most of mine started at home.

Derringer Meryl [I don’t hate you] Out

It’s late, and i have to say, i don’t feel like sleeping. I hate it. I hate going to sleep…. and i’ll tell you why…

i’m sure you don’t care, but PSH, I dont’ care that you dont’ care

There’s no one there with me.

Yeah, iknow i sound like a perv…. but i’m a cuddler. I know i am. I love to cuddle things. and honestly, a stuffed animal doesn’t really cuddle back well…. and i hate it. I hate sleeping, and even though I need to, i wait until the brink of exhaustion and fall asleep then. It’s been that way for months now. I wouldn’t call it …. Um.. Insomnia– it’s just… If you’ve read in here before You know how i am about this. It’s like, just another night, alone. and i hate that feeling. the alone feeling.

The feeling that you’re going to spend every night of your life alone like that… That I’m going to spend every night of my life alone like that.

it’s a depressing thought…. and it makes me stay awake. Makes me say, “You’re going to stay awake until you find someone, dang it!” even though I can’t…. *rubs her head* God I’m getting tired.

*sighs* I’m a sad lonely little perv, aren’t I?

Derringer Meryl [Broke 500] Out

The Specialist was talking about his choice in shoes over on his blog (go and read, it’s quite insightful… if you know him… Heh.) and I told him that he was my guide in my style choices. Heck, i probably would have never went to Hot Topic if it weren’t for him… So, I thought about it… He asked me once if i was wearing Emo Shoes.

I have no clue who or what an Emo is. But everyone calls my shoes Emo shoes (everyone on Ebay does anyway…) So I guess that kinda makes me an emo poser… *shrugs* If I knew i was posing, then I’d pose, but since i have no clue what an emo is, there’s a high chance I am one.

Want to see my Emo Shoes? *laughs* Those are the same color, but I wear a different size. I’ve been wearing sugar shoes since i was a junior in high school. I love the way they fit, they’re always comfortable, and while they wear, They’ve yet to wear OUT. 🙂 I love Hot Topic for selling these shoes, though this particular style they don’t sell anymore. *frowns* so i bought mine online. Hee hee

I’m registered for school (yippie) and i’m taking thirteen credit hours. *frowns* it sucks. A lot.

Derringer Meryl [Martha Stewart’s Creative Genius] Out

I couldn’t resist. I simply Couldn’t when I heard this song!! Falling for the First Time, Barenaked Ladies

I’m so cool, too bad I’m a loser

I’m so smart, too bad I can’t get anything figured out

I’m so brave, too bad I’m a baby

I’m so fly, that’s probably why it

Feels just like I’m falling for the first time

I’m so green, it’s really amazing

I’m so clean, too bad I can’t get all the dirt off of me.

I’m so sane, it’s driving me crazy

It’s so strange, I can’t believe it

Feels just like I’m falling for the first time

Anyone perfect must be lying, anything easy has its cost

Anyone plain can be lovely, anyone loved can be lost

What if I lost my direction? What if I lost sense of time?

What if I nursed this infection? Maybe the worst is behind

It feels just like I’m falling for the first time

It feels just like I’m falling for the first time

I’m so chill, no wonder it’s freezing

I’m so still, I just can’t keep my fingers out of anything

I’m so thrilled to finally be failing

I’m so done, turn me over cause it

Feels just like I’m falling for the first time

Anything plain can be lovely, anything loved can be lost

Maybe I lost my direction, what if our love is the cost?

Anyone perfect must be lying, anything easy has its cost

Anyone plain can be lovely, anyone loved can be lost

What if I lost my direction? What if I lost sense of time?

What if I nursed this infection? Maybe the worst is behind

Yeah. I love this song. I don’t feel it about anyone, not yet anyway! I’m just green, and so cool i’m lame and what not… are you? 😉

Derringer Meryl [Maybe I lost my…] Out

Downer or two– I’m always on one. :S Right. I’m beginning to wonder if anyone from my family that doesn’t live with me even reads this freakish little blog. *shrugs* Or maybe they’re just too polite to say anything about my schizo-psychotic rants.

I’m sure that’s it.

Meh. i’m realizing it’s tuesday, and i’ve done NO new lyric spews for the week. It makes me feel all sorts of bad…. I’ve been busy though. I”m coming up to finals (which sucks majorly. Not passing a class sucks a lot more when you paid for it…. or someone did. Ya know?) and i have a ton of review… and uh… catching up to do. So I really shouldn’t be dawdling by trying to set up Christmas for the house. It’s sad, but if i don’t kick everyone in the pants no Christmas decorations get put up. I feel a little wrong doing it this year. I feel… Like I’ve committed the second worse sin ever known to man. *coughs* So setting up the nativity feels a little odd. I feel like i’m tarnishing everything i touch and then consequently ruining Christmas. …. *sighs* I get melodramatic. Sorry.

Yes, i was discussing the busyness i’m feeling. THen I have to get enrolled in class for next semester. I’m not sure what to do, or anything…. *sighs* I hate it. I hate school… Deeply with the passion of a thousand suns. With the passion of a hundred billion suns.

Okay. I really REALLY hate it, to say the very least.

Right. *sighs*

so i do have a lot to be doing. *sighs* and a lot of stress.

Derringer Meryl [God Grant Me Penance] Out