Undone

Double your pleasure, double the fun, double the lyric spew! I know you’re anxious to get to the lyrics, but whoa there little guy, just wait for a minute! I thought I could type a little entry before I got to the lyric spew, so I could double the pleasure and the fun!

So, it’s been interesting around here. A little infiltration and always Drama, Drama, Drama I could expound, but the writings could be discovered, and thus– I would have to take my arsenic pills, and everyone would disavow any knowledge of this undercover mission and– well that would be a rather depressing end to my little mind novellette, wouldn’t it?

I thought so. Anyway, First we’re going to have a lyric Spew from The Cardigans, Love Fool

Dear, I fear we’re facing a problem
you love me no longer, I know
and maybe there is nothing
that I can do to make you do
Mama tells me I shouldn’t bother
that I ought to stick to another man
a man that surely deserves me
but I think you do!

So I cry, I pray and I beg

Love me love me
say that you love me
fool me fool me
go on and fool me
love me love me
pretend that you love me
leave me leave me
just say that you need me
Love me love me
say that you love me
leave me leave me
just say that you need me
I can’t care ’bout anything but you…

Lately I have desperately pondered,
spent my nights awake and I wonder
what I could do have done in another way
to make you stay
Reason will not lead to solution
I will end up lost in confusion
I don’t care if you really care
as long as you don’t go

Now for a lyric spew from Cold, Stupid Girl

Wanna love ya
Wanna bug ya
Wanna squeeze ya
Stupid girl

Wanna touch ya,
Wanna take ya,
Wanna shut ya,
Stupid girl.

I can’t take this,
Born to break this.

She’s going away,
(She’s going away)
What’s wrong with my life today?
She’s going away,
(She’s going away)
What’s wrong with my life today?
Stupid girl, Stupid girl

I’m a loner,
I’m a loser,
I’m a winner,
In my mind.

I’m a bad one,
I’m a good one,
I’m a sick one,
With a smile.

I can’t take this,
Born to break this.

She’s going away,
(She’s going away)
What’s wrong with my life today?
She’s going away,
(She’s going away)
What’s wrong with my life today?
Stupid girl, Stupid girl

Stupid girl, Stupid girl

(whoa)

She’s going away,
(She’s going away)
What’s wrong with my life today?
She’s going away,
(She’s going away)
What’s wrong with my life today?
Stupid girl, Stupid girl

[repeat chorus til end]

OKay So I’ve been a good girl, Posted some lyric-y fun, and now– I’m going to scamper off to my happy little world, where I”m a double agent, and the very foxy Pierce Brosnen is torturing me until– Um… Never mind.

Derringer Meryl [Bad Llama] Out

What can I say

to sooth the mistakes

that i’ve made

no words

come to me

they all seem to

fly away

and everytime

you want to talk

i know it means

another fight

i’ve learned by now

to sit and take it

because…

because…

talking only makes

the knife sink deeper in

causing the pain to grow

deeper in everyway.

and i love you so much

i can’t stand

to do that to you

not after

all you’ve been through

and so i retreat

only understanding now

that i began this all

started the pain…

and i can’t fix it

I can’t make it better

but I want to

want to close

the large cavern

that i made between us

and — each time i hurt you

you hurt me alittle too

i can’t blame you

simple defense

and so, i go away

to gather my thoughts

lick my wounds

and he cares for me

while i heal

and i don’t know how

to explain the friendship

we now have.

This is why

i can’t be happy

it only hurts those

whom i love

hold dear

near to my heart

i would suffer

a thousand deaths

if not to see you smile.

——–

Red and I are semi-ly having another fight. These are all the things I wish I could have said. But I didn’t…. because well… it’s in the poem. You dig?

Derringer Meryl [lost] Out

I have to admit, life gets a lot more hectic as you get older. I mean, I get hassled by everyone about college, and jobs. (no offense to anyone, I just wish there was something else we could talk about sometimes…) Not to mention… well, I know two girls from my senior class that are getting married. I’m not saying i want to right yet, especially since there isnt’ anyone who seems keen on the idea of marriage and me. *shrugs*

And I …. i don’t know what to say. It shocks me to see all of these girls getting married. I mean, we just graduated, there’s so much else we could do. That’s on one side of my brain– and the other, well…. it says:

“Wouldn’t it be so nice? To have someone sweep you off your feet, and kiss you andhold you at night– who loves you and wants to be with you forever? Someone to do things with, and someone to come home to… doesn’t that sound nice?”

and I have to agree with that side of the brain. I have little fantasies going on in my brain nearly twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. Of someone chasing after me like in a bad sappy movie, and i’ve spent so much time trying to figure out why guys don’t chase me down like they do girls in chick flicks. And I finally came up with, i’m not in a movie. Sure, everything looks pretty and shiny in a movie, and we’d all love life to work out that way, even for just a little while. But the thing is, it doesn’t. Ever. No Man will ever throw me up against a wall and kiss me. Because I’m not a star of a film, and i don’t have a script…

i don’t know how it’s going to work out in the end.

But even for just a moment, it would be nice. I mean, sure i get little snippets. Take for example when Monkey would come into work… i could hear the music in my head swell, and what not. Sure, he may not be the hero in my little life novel, but that’s what’s so interesting….. you never know what’s going to happen in life. I guess that’s what makes it worth living in the long run.

I don’t suppose i’m the only girl in the world who wishes she was smacked up against the wall into a good ole fashioned make out session with the guy of their dreams…. now am i? If i was, then those damn movies wouldn’t sell so well.

Fourth Report

I have to say my fourth this year, was much different than last. Last year I was watching three guys play basketball and cuss every three seconds, all while the guy of my dreams (at that time) looked at porn. *shrugs* This year it was like i was staring in my own porn video… but like last year, i’m walking away with a new lesson filed in my head.

God doesn’t want me to do things like that, because if i hadn’t left, i would have done something i would be regretting. Or at least i would have tried. In any case, it would have lead to bad things. *frowns* And I feel like a very bad Meryl…. Friends don’t do the things we did… or at least i didn’t think so.

Red says friends shag sometimes. I have to admit i don’t have any friends like that. I don’t want to have snog buddies. I want it to be something special, not just a romp and wait for a phone call.

Besides…. I value some of my friends more than that. I love all of my friends, but i wouldn’t ….. i couldn’t ever make their friendship into some kind of sex toy thing. *shakes her head* If I gave it out like candy, it’d be devalued, and then where would i be?

State Street. That’s where.

Derringer Meryl [Hey Sailor looking for a] Out

I do bad things. I do them to people, I do them to myself. I just do. I’m not a psychologist, I dabble, but i’m not certified, but i know i’m not always right.

But I know what hurts. Pain registers in my brain, whether i’m dealing or receiving. I know i deal it a lot to red. I know she’s upset because i’m treading down a road she hates to see anyone go down. I know that she loves me, and that she just wants the best for me.

These are things I know.

I know that i say things sometimes that i don’t mean. I often don’t think before i speak, even in writing. I know i’m captain bring down, and with how many people are screaming at me to grow up and not be so self involved… but … i mean do they have classes for that kind of thing? My therapist has been telling me that i need to grow a back bone and stand up for myself… and that i’m a rug.

I really don’t know which is true. They conflict in the upmost ways.

I find myself changing, daily. especially in what i want in life. I’m not sure which road i’m going to go down, or when or why, but i try to keep my options open. I don’t like to burn bridges… I really don’t.

I guess i’m a floater. I’m not defined, and i dont liek to be.

and i don’t like to be controlled. Or told what to feel.

And I screw up, I make mistakes, I make bad choices. I don’t know what else to say but, it’s how it happens. You learn, you live, and you move on. You can’t agonize over the past. Well.. you can, but….i’ve done that, and it’s just no fun.

And why does it matter if i become famous as a writer? I aspire to Emily Dickenson levels. She wasn’t even a socialite when she was alive, she didn’t leave her house after her first year at college.

Derringer Meryl [something ruther] Out

I’m a sucker, with no Self esteem. Also I have acid problems in my stomach, and an abusive relationship I don’t know what to do with.

No. It’s not the monkey. It’s red.

I wrote her off for the tenth time today

And practiced all the things I would say

But she came over

I lost my nerve

I took her back and made her dessert

Now I know I’m being used

That’s okay man cause I like the abuse

I know she’s playing with me

That’s okay cause I’ve got no self esteem

We make plans to go out at night

I wait till 2 then I turn out the light

All this rejection’s got me so low

If she keep it up I just might tell her so

When she’s saying that she wants only me

Then I wonder why she sleeps with my friends

When she’s saying that I’m like a disease

Then I wonder how much more I can spend

Well I guess I should stick up for myself

But I really think it’s better this way

The more you suffer

The more it shows you really care; Right ?

Now I’ll relate this little bit

That happens more than I’d like to admit

Late at night she knocks on my door

Drunk again and looking to score

Now I know I should say no

But that’s kind of hard when she’s ready to go

I may be dumb But I’m not a dweeb

I’m just a sucker with no self esteem

Self Esteem by The Offspring

Derringer Meryl [i have bruises] out