Undone

In my torrid little world (which I created, and all of you exist in, but I made your characters suit me right) I have torrid little dramas, because I may have created all of the characters… but they act of their own will now. And it’s a little frustrating. Because *sighs* it seems even my own mind is turning against me, and all I want is

to NOT feel like this anymore. I don’t like feeling that all I want from the world is always out of reach from me, because i’m too slow. Because I have it, and I cherish it, and then it gets put away from me, and it’s almost like i never really had it to begin with. And I can’t help but feel it’s because I didn’t say something, or do something. and if i had dome those things, that i’d still have it.

and it’s frustrating. and it’s not so much the emotion behind it all. Not knowing if there’s something wrong about me, or if i could have done something, if i could make myself better…. prettier– to fix it all. And there’s times in life that you just wonder–

why everything you want seems to be just out of your range. *blinks* Sorry, I’m htinking about how even if you aim low, the damn bastard’s standards are set too high for you. Talk about a kick in the stomach. You think you’re slumming it ….. and he rejects you because…. God knows why. I could Guess until my eyes crossed, on why J dumped me out of no where, but my mind knows why, and so does my heart.

because he didn’t love me. Because he didn’t see me as anything more than a whore. Because he … wasnt any good for me…. and because he abused me in ways– that no one should ever be abused… not that anyone should be abused at all. and because no matter what he did to your spirit, soul, self-esteem, and to my body– I never bended my will. I left that relationship as clean as i entered it.

That’s why.

I’d give everything to him, but my will. and he hated me for that. I guess it’s something I have. My will is for God, and God Alone.

…. i wish I could just stop feeling this way …..

Oi, I wrote this poem when I had broken up with J, and i was completely devestated, wondering why, and what i could have done…. It’s called Internal Struggle

Kisses felt-
never happened
Not that I know of,
Yet I remember them
With passionate feeling-
And Yet,
You haven’t even met me
But I’ve known you for a long time

It has a bit of commentary… not entirely true so much anymore. I dont feel like this all the time– but i have to admit it’s sometimes:

I love this one. I feel like this nearly all the time. Sure the guy i feel that way about changes from time to time. But someday– it’ll always stay the same. It’ll be nice. Anyway another moody piece from yours truly.

Derringer Meryl [dwelling on the past ruins the present] Out

After working another LOOOOONG shift today, my feet don’t hurt so bad, but that may just be because i’ve lost all feeling IN them. *shrugs*

So we had a kid, probably ten or so come in and ask every friggin’ question under the sun “Do I have enough money for this? How about this? Or this!” and my boss, well he hadn’t gotten much sleep thanks to the AquaBats Concert he went to last night….so he wasn’t really ready to deal with Scrappy Doo givin’ him crap. Probably a good thing I came in. I’m trained to let things roll off my back. It’s what I do. *shrugs* Anyway, the kid just would NOT leave, and so I was straightening the store (someone had totally HASHED the friggin’ GBA section) and I was reaching above my head (as I often have to, being as short as I am) and I was putting my arms down to the side and whacked the kid a good one. I didn’t mean to. I really didn’t! I didn’t mean to do it! I swear on all that’s good and holy in this world, that I didn’t mean it…

but i won’t deny it was sort of gratifying that the little monkey was in pain… but it wasn’t planned.

Anyway, it was slower than molasses in January, and there was NOTHING to do. Except talk to my Boss, and trust me, that’s something I do well. I mean, My mom doesn’t call me a mouth for no reason… (Points at Red) You no talkie– I mean mouth talkie… not … lip talkie. Err– Right. Anyway, we talked about all sorts of random things

stuff I can’t even remember now that i think of it. . . . Eh, wasn’t that important to the blog anyway. The poor dork got married, and for some insane reason (that is, she’s insane) it didn’t work out. We were casually talking about how we hate kids (in general, not all of them just most of them.) and how I wanted to be a stay at home mom, and the idea of going to college for anything seemed a little silly, because– I just want to be a mom, so I don’t have kids who are screwed up like the ones who come into our store.

BTW Red, I know you’re reading this. Remember how you said you didn’t think a guy and a girl who were both heterosexual and not related couldnt’ live in a house together and not sleep together? Gert Did it– twice. *nods* So ha. i still want to do it to prove to you that I can do it, but for now his proof is good enough for me.

Right, so Me, stay at home mom. So basically for my plan for the rest of my life, I’m missing…

Uhh– Right a husband.

Dang, I always forget that part *chuckles half heartedly*

PS:Gert Read one of my poems that i accidently left at work and he liked it… ^_^;; who knew?

Derringer Meryl [C&L work with B&J] Out

So– I apparently am not suitable to have around your children. Mothers and Fathers, Lock em up! Because i work at the local gaming store.

Ya know, that could carry some weight if i wasn’t the girl who everyone goes “I don’t remember you.” Even though you’ve worked there longer than the manager…. *sighs* I realize these things are piddly to what else i’ve been realizing, but whatever, it’s annoying when how good i am doesn’t shine the way i meant it to.

I was having a personal conversation with my exboyfriend’s best friend. I said to him “Well she [a girl who likes him] doesn’t want to see how stupid he is, because she just wants to get into his pants.” and it was quiet. Very quiet. And a lady who was standing being helped by my co-worker said “Excuse me?” And I stared, blinked twice (the time it took for me to comprehend the ever so stunning reply of: “Sorry”) and apologized, and turned back to my conversation.

Wasn’t really her business, now was it? Besides, you can think the best of a person, you can believe in them till the cows come home–but the rules of psychology and the Id say that you want things. Sex, food, shelter, all of that kind of stuff. The thing is, you can harness your Id, but you’re never rid of it. *giggles* That kinda rhymed.

Anyway–

Marco came in to see us at work. I was happy, because in case no one noticed, this week is a little bit with the suckiness. We talked for a bit, it wasn’t like old times, just because people kept interrupting us. . . . Hmn. I miss the old days of ….. well, talking to him, and closing and joking around. *nods* it was a damn good run while it lasted, and always a good memory.

I’m going to see Tomb Raider: Cradle of Life tonight, I would really like to take Monkey with…. but *sighs* Alas– Half of my brain says to call him, and the other says not to. The not to side says to me:

“You’re being possessive, and you’re always calling him. Leave the poor man alone! if he wanted to, he’d be there.”

and then the other side of my brain says:

“No, you just want to take a friend to the movies. You know he likes Lara Croft, and you are way tired of just spending all your time with your brother. All you’re looking for is a friend to hang out with, who won’t make snarky comments throughout the movie.”

So here i sit, letting the two chickens battle it out in my head as I get ready to go. All I want is the headache to go away– and to spend some quality time with Monkey– who lets me be.

OI. No offense Red. *raises her hands in a surrender position*

Derringer Meryl [the universe likes to] Out

People always say “Admitting you have a problem is the first step.”

I have come to believe that naming the problem is the first step– maybe it’s part of the admittance, but, whatever. I mean all my life i’ve known that i was a little off. Never had many friends, and I knew it was my fault, i was scared and clingy– and yet, I wanted people to be close to me, but I didn’t want to be close to them. It was odd, and i hated the contradictory feeling it left me with.

Because in the end, I didn’t know what I wanted. I was confused, and scared by myself, so honestly I wasn’t surprised when other people were scared of me too. I, like them, wanted to get the hell away. Maybe that’s why Red and I are so compatible. We seem tobe on the same emotional swing, where we embrace each other, and push each other away, and like true codependents, say the other one did it, when it really was ourselves.

Sad– Ne? And like in any abusive relationship, it’s always the little things that drive us apart, and silly little things that bring us together.

Honest, I know people in Red’s life have filled the Codependent Abuser (and abusee) space before, I know i’m not the first…. Because this isn’t a problem that just appears. And I personally think that most Therapists are just guessing as to why we have the problems we do– so I figure I can do the same.

I think Colonel Mustard did it in the Library with the Candle stick… Kinky… err… sorry.

I think it’s because both Red and I had to grow up fast. We both dealt with our own abuse things. I got “Help” from three therapy sessions (Note to self, sue Blue Cross Blue Shield, they suxor) and she had to do it herself. We both had to deal with adult situations at a young age– I was forced to goto my friend’s house, and even at my young age — i had Asian best friends (maybe it was a sign that someday i’d love all things asian…) they were immigrants, and didn’t speak english at home. Do you know how frightening Cambodian sounds to a five year old? Very. Very Very VERY.

I can’t speak for Red, I don’t know much about her childhood, but I know it wasn’t a happy go lucky one, like a childhood should be.

There are some things about my Childhood that even my therapist and Red don’t know about.

Things I tuck away– and try not to let them ruin my life… because i know if i remember them– I’m as good as dead to the world.

Derringer Meryl [Repressing] Out

Okay– This is too important not to post about.

(To Read the whole thing go Here)

They fear intimacy, yet – self-contradicting – have an intense fear of being alone or abandoned.

That’s like uber hello, ME!

I’m frustrated and angry, Why didnt’ my therapist in the first place tell me I was this type? They knew, they had to know. How could they not? I specifically told them “I love people, but i’m scared of them….” And no one cares. None of them

And every time I get a friend… I’m like the little girl in preschool She says “I’m sorry” and holds her friend really tight, and smiles at her, and then PUSHES her away, hard. So that the little friend goes scooting across the floor, the process continues…

Signs that you may be a codependent Abuser

Constantly seek approval and affirmation from your mate, having no sense of self identity outside a relationship

Inability to feel comfortable when alone

Feelings of being different or not like others

Confusion, or a deep sense of inadequacy

Feeling either totally responsible or completely without blame

Extreme dependency on your mate, and an intense fear of abandonment

Unyielding and in need of constant control over all aspects of the relationship

Extremely low self esteem and may be very self-critical

Difficulty in developing or sustaining meaningful relationships. Long line of failed relationships of which the codependent believes the other partner was always to blame

Lies for no reason. Creates a ‘false self’ that the outside world sees

Denies or refuses to recognize that his actions are not ‘normal’ behaviors

Denies feelings of fear, insecurity, inadequacy, guilt, hurt, or shame with self

Gets bored easily, needs to feel excitement