Undone

People always say “Admitting you have a problem is the first step.”

I have come to believe that naming the problem is the first step– maybe it’s part of the admittance, but, whatever. I mean all my life i’ve known that i was a little off. Never had many friends, and I knew it was my fault, i was scared and clingy– and yet, I wanted people to be close to me, but I didn’t want to be close to them. It was odd, and i hated the contradictory feeling it left me with.

Because in the end, I didn’t know what I wanted. I was confused, and scared by myself, so honestly I wasn’t surprised when other people were scared of me too. I, like them, wanted to get the hell away. Maybe that’s why Red and I are so compatible. We seem tobe on the same emotional swing, where we embrace each other, and push each other away, and like true codependents, say the other one did it, when it really was ourselves.

Sad– Ne? And like in any abusive relationship, it’s always the little things that drive us apart, and silly little things that bring us together.

Honest, I know people in Red’s life have filled the Codependent Abuser (and abusee) space before, I know i’m not the first…. Because this isn’t a problem that just appears. And I personally think that most Therapists are just guessing as to why we have the problems we do– so I figure I can do the same.

I think Colonel Mustard did it in the Library with the Candle stick… Kinky… err… sorry.

I think it’s because both Red and I had to grow up fast. We both dealt with our own abuse things. I got “Help” from three therapy sessions (Note to self, sue Blue Cross Blue Shield, they suxor) and she had to do it herself. We both had to deal with adult situations at a young age– I was forced to goto my friend’s house, and even at my young age — i had Asian best friends (maybe it was a sign that someday i’d love all things asian…) they were immigrants, and didn’t speak english at home. Do you know how frightening Cambodian sounds to a five year old? Very. Very Very VERY.

I can’t speak for Red, I don’t know much about her childhood, but I know it wasn’t a happy go lucky one, like a childhood should be.

There are some things about my Childhood that even my therapist and Red don’t know about.

Things I tuck away– and try not to let them ruin my life… because i know if i remember them– I’m as good as dead to the world.

Derringer Meryl [Repressing] Out